Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Do you know anyone that is gay but has just never said?

183 replies

Bingoooboo · 07/02/2025 22:48

I work in healthcare and I’ve had a few cases where I’m sure they are partners but they’ve introduced as ‘friends’. Mostly older people. As a gay woman that makes me so sad. I sometimes wonder if there has been anyone else in my family whose gay but has never came out

OP posts:
Battisborough · 07/02/2025 22:51

Yes lots of my older colleagues born in the 50s and 60s. I have a friend who has had secret relationships with women but is unable to tell her family and keeps trying to make a go of it with men but she’s clearly less happy with male partners. She’s born in the 80s but her dad is strict Muslim.

Zone2NorthLondon · 07/02/2025 22:51

Yes and it’s their individual chose to disclose or not.

Crispynoodle · 07/02/2025 22:53

I believe it's very common here in NI and the NHS lots of women who are gay but won't say and a few men too

WildUnknown · 07/02/2025 22:54

I know someone who came out in uni and later went back in in terms of just not telling anyone who didn't know him when...and allowing people to think him straight, a young man as well. I found his choice strange and sad, but it was his choice.

SwanRivers · 07/02/2025 22:55

Yes, two men (not together) and one woman.

Two are Sikh and married to the opposite sex, and one is Catholic and unmarried but intends to 'come out' once they've managed to move out of their parent's house.

Zone2NorthLondon · 07/02/2025 22:58

It’s a measure of the intolerance and/or disapproval that still persists
The same sex couple I know live together,have great chemistry obvs a couple but aren’t out. One of them has a RC family and unfortunately it’s likely the family would disapprove

EmeraldDreams73 · 07/02/2025 23:00

Yep. My cousin. It's blindingly obvious. Nobody would bat an eyelid in the wider family, but it's never been spoken about. None of us know why, but we just go along with the charade as her reasons aren't our business and we don't want to make her uncomfortable. I am certain that all the family members I know would be nothing but accepting and welcoming, and there are no cultural or religious hurdles that I'm aware of.

Cousin is in her 60s, her DF died about 10 years ago (wondered if that might change the narrative, but no). Her DM (who is an absolute sweetheart and v close to her DC) is well in her 90s in a nursing home. I can't imagine her being anything but entirely supportive, but perhaps I'm wrong.

Her presumably long term partner has always been referred to as either her friend or flatmate by my cousin and her DM, or just not mentioned at all, and it makes me sad. I don't know if anything will change when her DM passes away but I hope so. We would like to be able to welcome her partner into the family but she's never been mentioned on Christmas cards or in conversation. From memory I think I've met her once at a family gathering 30 odd years ago. She was introduced as a flatmate who "just happened" to be around that day.

SereneCapybara · 07/02/2025 23:02

There's a lesbian couple in our village who are in their sixties. They live near me and I often bump into them to say hello. I got chatting to one of them at the station once when the train was delayed and she mentioned her 'husband.' They have been together for more than the twenty years I have lived here and everyone knows and accepts they are a couple but they seem to think people would disapprove. I think that is sad.

SereneCapybara · 07/02/2025 23:05

Actually - duh! – my son's boyfriend. He is out, but not to his mother. She is old school Roman Catholic and is always talking about him meeting the right woman. His father has realised but has said she would not 'cope' with it. So he is welcomed into our family and has been for years but my son hasn't even met his parents. It's weird.

WallaceinAnderland · 07/02/2025 23:05

Most people who 'come out' as gay are not a surprise to the people that know them. I know it's a big deal for them but often it's really not such a big deal to others. We are just basically waiting for them to tell us if they want to.

WildUnknown · 07/02/2025 23:07

I also worked with someone once who was definitely a lesbian and scared to act on it. She was also autistic and I think that factored in because of her struggles to be socially appropriate in certain situations

Stealer · 07/02/2025 23:09

I don't think anyone has to announce that they they gay. Do you all announce you are straight?

WaitingForMojo · 07/02/2025 23:10

Stealer · 07/02/2025 23:09

I don't think anyone has to announce that they they gay. Do you all announce you are straight?

I guess straight people don’t really hide it, or refer to their long term partner as their friend / housemate though!

UnisexChipshop · 07/02/2025 23:12

Yes, an older female relative of my H. She has been divorced for 30 years, and for 20 of those has had a close female friend from work live with her. On one level I think it's very much none of my business, but then I think about the partner not being on the top when the son got married and I feel a bit sad that they don't feel comfortable to introduce one another as partners. Obviously there is of course the miniscule chance that they are just very, very close friends I suppose...

NigelHarmansNewWife · 07/02/2025 23:14

Yes, a colleague, but it's not relevant to our work and if they want to keep the information private then that's their choice.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 07/02/2025 23:16

What gets to me is someone who knows they aren't into the opposite sex deciding to use someone as a beard. And that person has no idea.
And then I should feel bad for the gay person doing the using? Nope.

Otherwise, I think its sad having to deny yourself your truth x

Edit - typos

Stealer · 07/02/2025 23:21

Why do you need to know? It's none of your business.

EggshellAttic · 07/02/2025 23:21

WaitingForMojo · 07/02/2025 23:10

I guess straight people don’t really hide it, or refer to their long term partner as their friend / housemate though!

Show quote history

Actually someone posted the other day that they’d had neighbours, a couple who lived together in a jointly-owned house, but when one set of parents came to visit (I think from abroad), the woman would move out, taking all her belongings with her, for the duration.

Wibblywobblybobbly · 07/02/2025 23:21

Yes. A colleague of mine's husband. She's clueless and confided in me that he has erectile dysfunction. It's too awkward for me to tell her that he definitely doesn't according to several men I know with, erm, first hand experience of the matter.

SwanRivers · 07/02/2025 23:24

Stealer · 07/02/2025 23:09

I don't think anyone has to announce that they they gay. Do you all announce you are straight?

I know you think you're being clever with this.

But minimising the hatred and prejudice that so many people still face in 2025 (not to mention persecution in some cultures), isn't clever at all.

You know there is no comparison whatsoever for those people with regards to 'announcing you're straight'.

sunhigh · 07/02/2025 23:25

I know a man who we (his friendship circle) are convinced is gay (50's) but has never come out. I do find it sad that he feels he can't be out and have a relationship.

isthatmyage · 07/02/2025 23:27

Stealer · 07/02/2025 23:09

I don't think anyone has to announce that they they gay. Do you all announce you are straight?

👏nailed it xx

Saturdaynightlive · 07/02/2025 23:28

How very dare you!

Stealer · 07/02/2025 23:31

SwanRivers · 07/02/2025 23:24

I know you think you're being clever with this.

But minimising the hatred and prejudice that so many people still face in 2025 (not to mention persecution in some cultures), isn't clever at all.

You know there is no comparison whatsoever for those people with regards to 'announcing you're straight'.

Show quote history

I'm not being clever. I'm saying there will never be acceptance of gay relationships if people think that being gay has to be announced and accepted.

SwanRivers · 07/02/2025 23:35

Stealer · 07/02/2025 23:31

I'm not being clever. I'm saying there will never be acceptance of gay relationships if people think that being gay has to be announced and accepted.

Show quote history

I get that and I 100% agree.

Sorry, I just saw the last bit as minimising or being disingenuous.

But I accept that's not how you meant it to come across so I'm sorry. It's a bit of a sore subject for me Flowers