Do you know anyone that is gay but has just never said?

[Bingoooboo]

I work in healthcare and I’ve had a few cases where I’m sure they are partners but they’ve introduced as ‘friends’. Mostly older people. As a gay woman that makes me so sad. I sometimes wonder if there has been anyone else in my family whose gay but has never came out

Wasn't what the point?

@JoyousGreyOrca In a perfect world maybe, but, as others have said on here, it's not always so easy, especially for older people who haven't grown up during such "open minded" times to go around proclaiming their homosexuality. I agree it should be the norm and I do believe it's easier for younger people today, but my friend and his partner obviously find it more comfortable to keep the true nature of their relationship private.

@Kay67 I am one of those older people. I do find it sad that anyone LGB do not feel they can be open.

@JoyousGreyOrca I also class myself and my friend as "older people" being late 60s and I understand that, him having grown up in a time when homosexuality wasn't always as accepted as it, thankfully, is today, he might feel reticent about declaring his homosexuality, especially to his very elderly parents. As I said previously, I believe things are somewhat easier for young people today.

I have no words, but I’d like to send you a heart!

❤️

Some interesting and also heartbreaking stories on this thread.

My impression is that in general, a 25-year-old today will find it far easier to be open about their relationships than their 60-year-old relative did at a similar age, which is great. Progress has definitely been made.

It’s still inconsistent, however. My DD (19) has a friend who’s openly gay at university, but hides her sexuality when she goes home, because she believes that people there will treat her differently-not necessarily with hostility, but she’s uncomfortable telling them. I don’t know details but perhaps it’s religion? It’s sad to think that some people still hide who they are from family and friends. 🙁

My great aunt lived with a female 'friend' for 40-odd years. They went on holiday and to family events together, and birthday and Christmas cards were signed from both of them (sometimes with the friend as 'name', sometimes 'auntie name').

The friend died about 10 years ago and I asked my dad (her nephew) recently if E and P were a couple and he seemed completely surprised by the suggestion and was adamant that they weren't, but I'm not convinced.

So sad reading all the stories of people who were or are still unable to live openly.

Another point i wanted to make: i have found out recently (and this genuinely never occurred to me and I'm not straight) that a lot of people don't realise that when people talk about 'coming out' they aren't always saying 'I sat my parents down and said - I'm gay' they are also talking about being at (for example) a family event, getting asked if they are seeing someone and saying 'yes actually, her name is Susan and she's a doctor'. I think 'coming out' is often assumed to be a 'big announcement' (because thats frequently how the media portrays it, because thats often how it still is for a lot of people) when sometimes people are just referring to the moment they indicated they weren't straight in open conversation. Worth pointing out to balance out the 'why did they need to come out, it's fine now' talk.

An older female member of my family (in her 80s now). Her life partner has lived with her for probably over 40 years but they are officially just friends who co- habit. I'd love for them to have a big wedding and the legal protections that go with that but can't really bring it up.l as they have chosen not to

Thinking about how people talk about LGB that makes it feel tricky to come out - my own family are very accepting, but in a way that they are talking about others, not their own family.

I have a few adult nieces and nephews, I don’t think any are gay or lesbian, but their parents, my siblings, have said in the past that they’d be disappointed or shocked, and that it’s not what they’d wish for their dc because it can make for a tricky life. This seems to be quite typical with people I know and work with.

Part of me wants to come out just to see their reactions, but I know I’d lose respect for them if they were upset. I’m not ready to do that!

One niece started uni 3 years ago and said that in the first few weeks everyone was bi or pansexual and vegan, but within a month most were straight meat eaters. The “LGBTQ + brigade” tended to stick to their own communities after that point, according to her.

It’s still very othered whether we like it or not, and in the last few years plenty of people are less accepting because of the pervasive spread of gender ideology.

I agree. Which is why people ignorantly say straight people never come out. When they do all the time.

@Lesbereal What your nieces and nephews have said is sad to hear. I don’t think people separate in the same way at my DD’s uni. Her friend shares a flat with straight roommates, including my DD, they know her girlfriend and all socialize together.

But then she can’t come out at home, which shows that society still has a long way to go.

"please ask yourself then why there aren’t many straight couples claiming to be ‘friends’ out of privacy. It is not a thing. "

Well, it is. Just think of how people wink with the expression 'just good friends' or ask 'is it a special friend'?

I have never known someone who lives with an opposite sex partner say this.
Normally just good friends means exactly that.

Okay I am starting a thread asking straight couples if they have ever pretended to be friends for privacy reasons.

Go on then, nothing stopping you

Cliff Richard.

Unless it is maybe at the start of a new relationship when things aren’t officially labelled yet, then yes maybe someone might say it’s a special friend or however you put it. But no straight person would ever call a long term partner a friend for fear of others reaction and that’s entirely why gay people do it.
even myself, I have been ‘out’ for years in the grand sense of the word and the everyday ways too but sometimes I don’t correct people if they assume my partner is a man or I typically use partner in a gender neutral sense because firstly I don’t know their views (and I’ve been met with homophobia many times) and secondly because it can be tiring to always navigate those conversations afterwards (surprise, shock, questions, altar allyship) etc etc when all I’m saying in passing is my wife is picking up our child this evening or whatever it might be.

@BruFord
I think it's less likely religion than they've heard homophobic remarks/jokes from family and know how they'll be treated.

@SnoopysHoose I don’t know, I think her family are quite religious and as others have mentioned on this thread, religious hardliners can be intolerable.

I havw an elderly aunt, now in her 80s, who I suspect took holy orders rather than live in society as a lesbian.

I came out to family and friends in the late 1990s. It was a horrible time in my life, partly because not everyone was accepting, but also for non-related quite traumatic reasons. I was ‘out’ in the workplace for a long time after that too, especially when I was in relationships, and like others have said, you might mention your partner in passing. I have a couple of long-term colleagues who know I’m not straight, and one of my managers is gay, and we’ve discussed homophobia before. Most of my newer colleagues don’t know now, or at least if they do, it’s not because I’ve told them. I’m single now, my sexuality’s not relevant to my job, and I’ve got to a point where I can’t be bothered correcting anyone’s assumptions. I might if I didn’t feel so strongly that I don’t want to be associated with the current ‘activists’.

That is why no one should ever ask if someone is gay, because it can cause them to come out before they are ready.

Its something which should always be treated with sensitivity.

Living with wasn't specified to begin with.
And often 'just good friends' doesn't mean just that. It's one of the reason why platonic friends of the opposite sex often get stick, 'oh you're "friends"'.

@Gwenhwyfar The just good friends is used by opposite sex couples in the very early days. It is not used in long standing relationships.