Do you know anyone that is gay but has just never said?

[Bingoooboo]

I work in healthcare and I’ve had a few cases where I’m sure they are partners but they’ve introduced as ‘friends’. Mostly older people. As a gay woman that makes me so sad. I sometimes wonder if there has been anyone else in my family whose gay but has never came out

So you never talk about your boyfriend or husband? Never say you fancy a male actor or singer? Never talk about past boyfriends or partners?

@JoyousGreyOrca it has never occurred to me to do that, especially with people I barely know

You do not talk about husbands or boyfriends with work colleagues? Or friends? Or neighbours? Or school mums and teachers?

No one is talking about people you barely know like shop assistants or the school mum you are just on nodding terms with.

But it is perfectly normal if someone says what did you do at the weekend, to say oh my husband, the kids and I....
This is just normal conversation. So you do in fact come out as heterosexual all the time.

It's important for many gay people to be acknowledged, respected, and fully accepted as such, and not assumed to be straight, which tends to be the default.

Essentially, being fully known and accepted is important.

Everyone who is in an opposite sex relationship who I have worked with, has told me. Not one of them has pretended the man they have lived with for 20 years is just a close friend or flatmate.

I absolutely hate that kind of gossip. If people want you to know about their love life, they'll tell you. Otherwise, MYOB and stop making assumptions.

On several occasions I've had people insist I was a lesbian based on the fact that I went to a party or restaurant with a (platonic heterosexual) female friend or, weirdly, because I like comfortable shoes. Apparently my choice of shoes trumps the marriages, children and numerous male relationships. I can only imagine the gossip if I had a boarder or roommate. 🙄

my mate constantly has to "in" himself because of this kind of thinking!
He messes with people's gaydar, he's straight and married but everyone who meets him for the first time assumes he's gay. I can only assume because he's a drama teacher, dresses well, is interested in skincare and is completely comfortable in himself lol

everyone here saying that straight people "out" themselves all the time have it absolutely right, and anyone saying they don't do this is either genuinely blind to social norms or being wilfully obtuse. Most people talk about their husbands/wives/partners all the time without withholding pronouns, its a luxury and a privilege to be unaware of this

Because you are not fully known if you go along with people assuming you're straight. You're denying a major part of yourself, something innate, the basis of your happy and fulfilling relationship with your partner, just by keeping your mouth shut

You're living your life with people who might only be friends with you or invite you to Christmas dinner as long as they didn't know you fully.

That kind of life can lead to depression and feelings of worthlessness. Imagine a world where people might judge you or shun you for being left-handed, so you have to use your right hand at all times when youre with others. You are an artist whose work is stunning, but you can never share the fact that you create it with your left hand.

I had a great uncle who was gay, He lived as a couple with another man. No one in my family made anything of it, they attended family things as a couple and we called them both uncle. Eg Uncle Bert was my actual great uncle and he lived with (no relation) Uncle Ernie. They were talked about in the same way Aunt Piggy and Uncle Kermit might be. They have both died now but I am proud looking back that they were some welcome and included at a time when things were not like that at all. They enriched our lives massively as they were brilliant entertainers. They’d play the spoons (not a euphemism) and the piano, sing songs, take us kids out for the day, taught us how to play conkers and as they lived by the sea, they would have us stay over in the school holidays.

None of my gay friends announce that they're gay.
They have many more interesting things to talk about other than who they are attracted to.

No but I see it all the time on A Place In The Sun. Lots of gay couples who are "friends" and also widows/divorcees who have found a new partner and clearly haven't told their family yet.

So they never talk about short or long term partners to you or who they are dating? Seems a pretty superficial friendship then.

How do you know they are gay?

you are not fully known if you go along with people assuming you're straight. You're denying a major part of yourself, something innate

Well put, @mathanxiety.

A friend of mine is heavily closeted and I don't know why. I only know she's gay because she hit on me once. She tolerates people trying to fix her up with a nice man; this has been going on so long that it'd probably be awkward for her to come out now! She's a really interesting, likeable person and I feel it's a pity she has closed off a significant part of herself.

Maybe she has quiet little relationships here and there, but I'd imagine the opportunities are limited out here in the sticks.

My uncle ( we all knew though ).

Generally people will through conversation. Teens telling their parents they have a crush on someone of the opposite sex, or a celebrity, or have a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's not hidden in the way that having a same sex crush or partner sometimes is.

I have a relative that was obviously gay from a young age. So we all knew and just assumed it was ‘open’, but of course never had any specific reason to reference it with him, just like you have no reason to discuss being straight with a straight relative if that makes sense.

Anyway, at one point they asked all family to meet as they had a big announcement. They were known for being quite ‘dramatic’. We all assumed he had aggressive cancer and was palliative or something drastic. He announced he was gay. We all sat there confused looking at each other because we had all known that for over 20 years. He then got pissed off as we all sat there going ‘yep, and’.

When he returned from flouncing off, we all tried to play along. His mum [again, who knew he was gay, and if someone ever asked if her son was married, as was pre-gay marriage days, would say ‘no, x is gay’] said ‘how long have you known you were gay?’. He said since childhood. And we all sat there and thought, right so we all knew at the same time then. Was so so weird. We’d even met what we assumed to be boyfriends in the past, but just like if you are straight you don’t go ‘this is my platonic friend/co worker/boyfriend/partner, Rob’, you say ‘hi everyone, this is Rob’.

That’s grim. Poor woman

I've worked as a community nurse for many years and have met a few obvious couples who stare that they are relatives. One couple were "brother in laws" despite their being only one bed they both clearly slept in. The other pair of "sisters" in their 80s both unmarried who again slept in the same bed. Shame people feel the need to hide it and feel ashamed - nobody these days cares but I guess when they were young it would have been a huge scandal.

Try not assuming.

I've had to "come out" more than I wanted to over the years. People assume I have a husband, or ask my wife and I if we are sisters. It's always assumed I'm straight because I don't fit their picture of what gay looks like.
I have friends though, who are a couple but their families pretend not to know.
Anyone saying "nobody cares these days ", actually loads of people aren't there yet.

I worked with a man that was hiding it for years, he then told us and we told him, we had always known but it made no difference. He was shocked we knew.

Made life easier, we weren't tiptoeing around conversation with him.

His parents were Jehovah Witnesses and that was the reason for the secret.

No, but you probably wouldn't keep a male partner a secret, would you?

So none of your gay friends ever mention their partners? That seems strange.

This is an excellent point!