Do you know anyone that is gay but has just never said?

[Bingoooboo]

I work in healthcare and I’ve had a few cases where I’m sure they are partners but they’ve introduced as ‘friends’. Mostly older people. As a gay woman that makes me so sad. I sometimes wonder if there has been anyone else in my family whose gay but has never came out

Snap. Straight people NEVER realise I'm gay until I mention my wife. We've also been mistaken for sisters, including on our honeymoon!

Anyone saying "nobody cares these days ", actually loads of people aren't there yet.
100% this. I love how straight people think they are showing themselves to be oh so accepting and liberal when they say things like this, whereas actually, they are no different to the white people who insist racism no longer exists, or the men who insist misogyny no longer exists.

Social Worker here for over 15 year's working with 'older adults'. I've been reflecting on this recently as I have met many same sex 'cousin's/flatmate's' etc who are probably gay. In my career I've met 2 same sex couples that have been open about their situation (statistically this cannot be right) but interestingly one of the most recent male couple told me that when they met many year's ago their relationship was illegal so their partner always wanted to hide it & was ashamed (he now has dementia & lives in a care home), this is so sad to me as they have had a very long & beautiful relationship & this should be celebrated. The shame runs deep & it's something I know I need to try & understand as a human being & Social worker.

This applies to me too.

I genuinely loathe the LGBTQI ‘community’ in its current form - it’s not a ‘community’, it’s become a rancid political baton to beat people over the head with. I don’t want to be associated with it, I just want to live my life; being gay is only one part of who I am.

Me and my cousin, at the time 27 and 22 years old, are bi, and came out at the same family reunion
This I don't understand, why the need for an announcement of your sexual preferences at all places; a reunion?
My DD is gay, her partner is wonderful, part of our family.
There was never an announcement, she just started dating women from about 16.
We've had the 'she doesn't look hay' comments as she's very glam/girly, there are still a lot of preconceived ideas about gay women.
She herself never announces she's gay, she said would you introduce my sisters as my straight daughters?

Well, I was born in the 70's and I had an Uncle S and Uncle T who lived together and ran a chip shop.
It wasnt until I was a teenager that I realised that Uncle S was mum's brother and Uncle T wasnt. The word gay was never used until after Gran died.

My brother in law. Dh knows he has had partners in the past but not in the 15 years I’ve known him (or at least it’s never been mentioned). His parents are very old fashioned, religious and homophobic so it’s not a surprise. Makes me feel sad for him.

I don't think OP is suggesting anyone makes a big announcement- she's referring to people who deliberately hide it.

I do agree people shouldn’t have to announce it but I’d hope they feel comfortable enough to say this is my partner when they have one. I’ve known a few situations where people have hidden it more like 10-15 years ago. The strain it puts on people: It is awful that opinions are still so behind in terms of this!!

I think one of my siblings is. They live as housemates but do everything together, go on holidays, live like a family.

We would be thrilled for them if they were a couple. Just want them to be happy.

Yes, my dad’s sister, she’s in her 60s, has always ‘shared’ houses with female ‘friends’ no one would care, my granny once asked my dad if he thought she was a lesbian and they both agreed they thought she probably was, but it’s no big deal so if she doesn’t want to say it, she’s a very private person.

@SueGraysShorts @Orland0- I'm also a lesbian who feels no affinity with the so-called LGBTQ community and don't feel being gay is the most significant part of my personality.

HOWEVER, it seems like you both see "coming out" as making a big song and dance about it to anyone in the vicinity. In reality, I "come out" every time I mention my wife to a new person, because the odds are that that person had assumed I'm straight.

I think it's incredibly sad when people feel they have avoid mentioning their same-sex partner in a situation where a straight person wouldn't think twice about mentioning their opposite-sex partner.

Louder for the people at the back.
I notice on these threads people often bring up stories of teenagers coming out and being disappointed they don't get more of a reaction - there are attention gays as well as attention seeking straights, but for the most part, it's incredibly fucking normal for someone to have spent some time worrying about how to let their loved ones know they are gay, and it's just fucking rude to diminish something that you know full well there's a whole load of historical context about doing by giving someone a reaction that's basically 'we know, you don't need to make a big deal about it' - if nothing else, if a loved one shared something personal with you that they've clearly thought a lot about, that's a fucking weird and not very loving reaction, no matter what they are telling you? Just be nice! 'Thank you for telling us, we love you, are you seeing anyone nice, do you want a cup of tea?'

Also the only person I know whose child came out to them who has said similar to posters on this thread 'why do they need to announce themselves, it's not a big deal, stop making it a big deal it's normal now, I don't know why they are making a fuss' had a husband who had made little homophobic 'jokes' in front of me (someone who he wouldn't have known was part of the alphabet mafia) and I'd only met the man once! And he managed to make multiple jokes! But his wife would have completely dismissed you if you had said anything 'oh he's only joking, he's fine with gay people' So when people go 'I don't know why they made a fuss' I do wonder what the whole story is...

Yes, worked with a really lovely colleague who had a friend that he'd introduce as family, but was almost certainly his partner. He passed away about 20 years ago, his friend passed away recent. In the intervening years the friend regularly met up with other colleague to go to musicals. The strong possibility they were gay was rarely discussed. People respected their privacy.

Why on earth have you not told her? Even anonymously if needs be.
Completely unfair to let someone's chance at a happy life be wasted by being deceived like that.

Because her husband is my boss. A former colleague of mine tried to suggest to the wife that her husband wasn't being faithful. She wouldn't believe her and told the husband. He made my ex colleague's life hell so she ended up having to find another job.

But presumably they correct people if they’re assumed to be straight?

That’s the fucking point 🙄 People DO assume - and to suggest that coming out is some sort of “unnecessary announcement” is offensive in this light.

It’s several years back now, but I always remember this quite young, very obvious gay couple on Location Location Location - except the commentary was that Steve was buying the flat but needed a second bedroom for “friend and lodger Barry”. The second bedroom was referred to several times. It was clear at least one set of parents didn’t know.

Anyway, years later they did a revisit episode, and Barry had long since moved out and Steve - who had reinvented himself from a very nondescript M&S man into a gym-honed, tight T-shirt type - was “living with partner Ian”. So I guess he got bored with Barry refusing to bite the bullet and tell Mum and Dad.

So the bulk of your ‘evidence’ is a liking for musicals? I’d better tell my Sondheim-loving DH. 🙄

Yes. My friend who is from a very strictly Irish catholic family is clearly gay. She has never admitted that the woman she lives with is her partner. She moved to the other side of the world.

My great aunt is thought now, looking back with modern hindsight, to have been in a long term lesbian relationship.
She died about 20 years ago, and my grandmother said afterwards that it was a logical conclusion... she lived from the age of about 25 to their deaths with her "friend". But as my grandmother said... they couldn't declare that in the 1950s. And admitted she probably would not have been understanding then.

Why the insistence that it’s an “announcement”? You’re very obviously trying to suggest that it’s some kind of attention seeking thing, rather than just being honest about who you are. Trotting out the “Well, I’ve never announced to anyone that I’m straight” is completely disingenuous. You never needed to do so.

@IButtleSir and @MsMonique have put it much better than I can, but coming out isn’t one big announcement - it’s a process, and one that lasts a lifetime for gay people.

I know of two men (separately) who identify as straight but who privately have sex with men. Both are homophobic, sexist, very mixed up working class men. At least one of them grew up in an extremely violent home where I've no doubt he got some highly toxic messaging about masculinity, sex and relationships.

My best friend from school. It was obvious he was gay. No one cared and we had a mixed group who were bi, straight and gay. He always had a girlfriend. Until late teens. He met a guy and they had an intense friendship and more we think. My friend seemed happy. But his parents were conservative. He ended up married and had kids to a female as his family expected. His male friend was still about but not as close.

he was caught by me and a few friends kissing his male friend at a party. Suddenly he moved away, stopped taking to us all and his male friend. His male friend confessed were in love and had a relationship for years. He was so upset.

it’s sad as my friends friendship group were so open minded and only wanted people to be happy. It was his family pressures that he couldn’t be him.