Page 6 | Do you know anyone that is gay but has just never said?

Bingoooboo · 2025-02-07T22:48:20+00:00

I work in healthcare and I’ve had a few cases where I’m sure they are partners but they’ve introduced as ‘friends’. Mostly older people. As a gay woman that makes me so sad. I sometimes wonder if there has been anyone else in my family whose gay but has never came out

SunnieShine · 08/02/2025 14:55

MiamiWindMachine · 08/02/2025 14:51

Oh, you’re from the “But why do they neeeeeeed to know?” crowd. Tells me all I need to know.

It’s interesting to see that there’s bigotry and judgement within the gay community as well as towards it. At least based on your daughter’s reaction.

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Her daughter is entitled to her opinion.

SusanSHelit · 08/02/2025 15:39

It wasn't exactly a huge announcement. Our uncle came out to our elderly grandfather (our nana had been dead 10 years), and also came out to us. We basically said it's OK, we know, we are not straight either (you would not be able to tell just by looking at us). It then just sort of filtered through to the rest of the family as we were all staying in the same house.

I say family reunion, we are Irish Catholics and are spread across four continents. We don't get to speak to each other in the same time zone all that often.

It wasn't a big song and dance. It was him finally being able to come out after years of oppression and us going, yeah us too, it's OK, we love you

JoyousGreyOrca · 08/02/2025 15:44

RejoiceandSing · 08/02/2025 11:47

has it occurred to you that people being out and loud about it, ie protesting, is why it's legal for you to have sex (if you're a man, I think lesbian sex was unregulated), a partner, and get married?
Edit: doesn't mean you have to be out at work, that's your choice, but maybe think twice before disparaging those that are

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Totally agree. And it was not until 2003 that it became illegal to discriminate against LGB people at work. I know people who were sacked for being lesbian, there was nothing they could do about it.

MiamiWindMachine · 08/02/2025 15:46

SunnieShine · 08/02/2025 14:55

Her daughter is entitled to her opinion.

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As I am to mine.

JoyousGreyOrca · 08/02/2025 15:47

Kay67 · 08/02/2025 13:37

My best male friend. He had many casual girlfriends years ago, but never seemed totally happy with them, told me he'd never had sex with any of them, just enjoyed going on dates, someone to go out to dinner with etc. Then he made a new male "friend" at the health club he goes to. He couldn't stop talking about him, he was obviously besotted but always spoke about him as just a friend. He's lived with him now for over 20 years, it's obvious to everyone they are a couple but they never actually say it, always refer to each other as friends but it's obvious they are a couple (I've stayed over and they share a room). His parents and family/friends have guessed and no one has a problem with it, it's just never mentioned. We talk about them as a couple e.g. Are Peter and Adrian coming? I don't think he'll ever make an "announcement" and I don't really see why he should, it's not necessary.

Its sad he can not say this man is his partner. That is a totally normal thing for someone to do.

HRTQueen · 08/02/2025 15:58

I’ve known a few older men who have a wife and a family and loved family life also openly went to soho to see friends or it was known they also had relationships with men. It wasn’t hidden if I hadn’t have known they were married I would have assumed they were gay

I also don’t know if they realised later on in life, if everyone was happy with this or if they would have lived a different life if they have been born a generation later (I suspect they would have)

I know two lesbians who keep it quiet I don’t blame them many people seem overly interested in the sex lives of lesbian woman and gay men

Printedword · 08/02/2025 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You are being very rude to me for no reason

Lesbereal · 08/02/2025 16:50

MsMonique · 08/02/2025 07:27

I've had to "come out" more than I wanted to over the years. People assume I have a husband, or ask my wife and I if we are sisters. It's always assumed I'm straight because I don't fit their picture of what gay looks like.
I have friends though, who are a couple but their families pretend not to know.
Anyone saying "nobody cares these days ", actually loads of people aren't there yet.

I’m in my 50s, was married for over 20 years, have children. I’ve decided not to come out and just stay single because despite being told that it’s fine to be a lesbian in reality people are weird about it, specially if you’ve been married to a man and have children - you’re immediately tarred as the bad one who lied to your husband and children about your sexuality.

I lied to no one, apart from maybe myself. I genuinely didn’t know until mid 40s. Any sign of it as a teen/young adult was dismissed as schoolgirl crush. I assumed I had a low sex drive, married my husband and had a relatively happy life, until I had a breakdown, my marriage broke down and I had to build myself up with this can of worms that opened up somewhere in the process.

I’m constantly told that it’s no big deal, whilst people’s comments and conversations tell me otherwise. It feels worse for women than men. People seem to accept gay men more readily than they do lesbians.

If I came out it would rock all the relationships I have in my life, and I’m not sure I could cope with that.

Kay67 · 08/02/2025 17:48

@JoyousGreyOrca I don't think it's sad, it's what he feels comfortable with and as time has gone on he probably doesn't feel the need to make some big announcement. We've all guessed they are partners. We were brought up by parents who were born pre war and views were different in those times, he probably didn't know how his parents would take it. Also, we lived through all the HIV/AIDS times, where people were more prejudiced towards homosexual men. For whatever reason he's never felt the need to "come out" to family/friends and if he did, then life would just carry on as normal, he knows us well enough to know that none of us are homophobic.

Original poster

Bingoooboo · 08/02/2025 18:52

Lesbereal · 08/02/2025 16:50

I’m in my 50s, was married for over 20 years, have children. I’ve decided not to come out and just stay single because despite being told that it’s fine to be a lesbian in reality people are weird about it, specially if you’ve been married to a man and have children - you’re immediately tarred as the bad one who lied to your husband and children about your sexuality.

I lied to no one, apart from maybe myself. I genuinely didn’t know until mid 40s. Any sign of it as a teen/young adult was dismissed as schoolgirl crush. I assumed I had a low sex drive, married my husband and had a relatively happy life, until I had a breakdown, my marriage broke down and I had to build myself up with this can of worms that opened up somewhere in the process.

I’m constantly told that it’s no big deal, whilst people’s comments and conversations tell me otherwise. It feels worse for women than men. People seem to accept gay men more readily than they do lesbians.

If I came out it would rock all the relationships I have in my life, and I’m not sure I could cope with that.

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I’m sorry you feel like that but I totally understand all your feelings. Do you date now secretly?

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henlake7 · 08/02/2025 20:03

I don't know if anybody is hiding it but I've found out later that a couple of people were gay. Usually from people who were shocked I hadn't realised that soandso was gay.
TBH I have zero sense about these things. I'm ace and it doesn't even occur to me to wonder!

Orland0 · 08/02/2025 20:09

RejoiceandSing · 08/02/2025 11:47

has it occurred to you that people being out and loud about it, ie protesting, is why it's legal for you to have sex (if you're a man, I think lesbian sex was unregulated), a partner, and get married?
Edit: doesn't mean you have to be out at work, that's your choice, but maybe think twice before disparaging those that are

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Gay marriage wasn’t lobbied hard for, because a significant proportion of gay people didn’t particularly want to be able to get married: they were content with civil partnerships.

Besides that, the current activists - I’m perfectly happy to be disparaging of them. The activists that will protest noisily and aggressively outside an LGB conference, infiltrate it and let loose a whole load of insects to disrupt it? Those activists? The activists who’ll protest noisily and aggressively if a group of lesbians want to organise a female only event? The activists who’ve made it impossible to have female only dating apps? The activists whose aggressive flag-waving and lewd public sex acts at Pride festivals mean that for the first time in a long time, general acceptance of homosexuality is declining rather than increasing? I’m happy to keep disparaging that group of clueless fuckwits tbh, because they don’t know it yet but they’ve set LGB rights back about 30 years.

Doloresparton · 08/02/2025 20:10

I had a work colleague who would mention her house mate.
They are definitely a couple.
Not my business.

DutchCowgirl · 08/02/2025 20:39

One of the teachers at school.. she mentioned to me something about her husband. And later i found out she actually lived together with an old (female) acquaintance of me. So sad she felt she had to hide this .

And my niece who is now in her 50’s. My very religious aunt would always tell everybody she lived with a “flatmate” .. that also happened to be on all holidaypictures. And even on my aunts funeral the “flatmate” for over 30 years sat alone on the back row. So sad that this still happens.

PassingStranger · 08/02/2025 20:49

CarolinaWren · 08/02/2025 01:48

I absolutely hate that kind of gossip. If people want you to know about their love life, they'll tell you. Otherwise, MYOB and stop making assumptions.

On several occasions I've had people insist I was a lesbian based on the fact that I went to a party or restaurant with a (platonic heterosexual) female friend or, weirdly, because I like comfortable shoes. Apparently my choice of shoes trumps the marriages, children and numerous male relationships. I can only imagine the gossip if I had a boarder or roommate. 🙄

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Agree assumptions are awful.

I knew someone who had a male longer and someone assumed they were gay they weren't.
He was just a longer and helping the homeowner out with his mortgage and he needed a room.

Gossip is cruel and dangerous.

Lesbereal · 08/02/2025 21:07

Bingoooboo · 08/02/2025 18:52

I’m sorry you feel like that but I totally understand all your feelings. Do you date now secretly?

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No, I currently have a hectic life and don’t have time!
I would though if the opportunity presented itself.

Orland0 · 08/02/2025 21:36

Lesbereal · 08/02/2025 21:07

No, I currently have a hectic life and don’t have time!
I would though if the opportunity presented itself.

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I’m single 😘

GelatinousDynamo · 08/02/2025 21:39

Do you mean "said" as an announcement, a "coming out of the closet" type of situation? Because I would have thought that it's just not really necessary in this day and age (but I might be wrong?). I have two employees in my team, a girl who's always talking about her "friend", but it's really obvious to everyone that they're a couple, and there's really no need for her to clarify that. It's just the way she speaks of her, and whenever we do a team event where partners are invited, she's always on the list. A manager on my team is married to a man, and it's never raised any eyebrows when he speaks about his husband.
It might be because I don't live and work in the UK, so may be a different culture, but those "grand announcements" are really not done anymore. It's all fine, no one really cares if their coworkers are gay.

Edited to add that they are both in their early 30s, so I suppose it might be different for those who had to face prejudice when they were their age. And I've made it very clear in the past that any prejudice will not be tolerated, so anyone who's got a problem with it should not be working for me.

Original poster

Bingoooboo · 08/02/2025 21:48

GelatinousDynamo · 08/02/2025 21:39

Do you mean "said" as an announcement, a "coming out of the closet" type of situation? Because I would have thought that it's just not really necessary in this day and age (but I might be wrong?). I have two employees in my team, a girl who's always talking about her "friend", but it's really obvious to everyone that they're a couple, and there's really no need for her to clarify that. It's just the way she speaks of her, and whenever we do a team event where partners are invited, she's always on the list. A manager on my team is married to a man, and it's never raised any eyebrows when he speaks about his husband.
It might be because I don't live and work in the UK, so may be a different culture, but those "grand announcements" are really not done anymore. It's all fine, no one really cares if their coworkers are gay.

Edited to add that they are both in their early 30s, so I suppose it might be different for those who had to face prejudice when they were their age. And I've made it very clear in the past that any prejudice will not be tolerated, so anyone who's got a problem with it should not be working for me.

Edited

a lot of people do care though, that’s the thing and even if they don’t, as a gay person we still worry they will hence your colleague using the word “friend” to describe her partner, that’s not “just how” people speak about their partners and no straight person would say friend instead of partner.
there’s still a massive fear, discomfort and anxiety around coming out and the statement (by mostly straight people) that no one should have to announce their sexuality or come out these days is so short sighted and ignorant. Of course we shouldn’t ‘have to’ come out as anything but for many people (look how many examples in this one post) they chose to live as ‘friends’ due to the worry of coming out. Homophobia really is alive and well and as straight person of course you don’t experience it but as a gay person I do.

in relation to my original post, I don’t expect anyone to tell me anything they aren’t comfortable to but it makes me feel very sad that many people have to live their life like that.

and all these comments what some people are just private and don’t want to share their relationship status/sexuality…please ask yourself then why there aren’t many straight couples claiming to be ‘friends’ out of privacy. It is not a thing. It is directly related to being gay and their feelings around that

OP posts:

Original poster

Bingoooboo · 08/02/2025 21:51

GelatinousDynamo · 08/02/2025 21:39

Do you mean "said" as an announcement, a "coming out of the closet" type of situation? Because I would have thought that it's just not really necessary in this day and age (but I might be wrong?). I have two employees in my team, a girl who's always talking about her "friend", but it's really obvious to everyone that they're a couple, and there's really no need for her to clarify that. It's just the way she speaks of her, and whenever we do a team event where partners are invited, she's always on the list. A manager on my team is married to a man, and it's never raised any eyebrows when he speaks about his husband.
It might be because I don't live and work in the UK, so may be a different culture, but those "grand announcements" are really not done anymore. It's all fine, no one really cares if their coworkers are gay.

Edited to add that they are both in their early 30s, so I suppose it might be different for those who had to face prejudice when they were their age. And I've made it very clear in the past that any prejudice will not be tolerated, so anyone who's got a problem with it should not be working for me.

Edited

Genuinely curious your opinion on why you think the woman in work chooses to say friend rather than girlfriend? I’m assuming your straight because I’m genuinely curious as to your thoughts on that

as a lesbian I know right away why

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GelatinousDynamo · 08/02/2025 22:02

Bingoooboo · 08/02/2025 21:48

a lot of people do care though, that’s the thing and even if they don’t, as a gay person we still worry they will hence your colleague using the word “friend” to describe her partner, that’s not “just how” people speak about their partners and no straight person would say friend instead of partner.
there’s still a massive fear, discomfort and anxiety around coming out and the statement (by mostly straight people) that no one should have to announce their sexuality or come out these days is so short sighted and ignorant. Of course we shouldn’t ‘have to’ come out as anything but for many people (look how many examples in this one post) they chose to live as ‘friends’ due to the worry of coming out. Homophobia really is alive and well and as straight person of course you don’t experience it but as a gay person I do.

in relation to my original post, I don’t expect anyone to tell me anything they aren’t comfortable to but it makes me feel very sad that many people have to live their life like that.

and all these comments what some people are just private and don’t want to share their relationship status/sexuality…please ask yourself then why there aren’t many straight couples claiming to be ‘friends’ out of privacy. It is not a thing. It is directly related to being gay and their feelings around that

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I will have to disagree with you about my colleague, because she's never worried about being openly gay whenever her "friend" was around, they are openly behaving like a couple. It's just what she calls her. But I do agree that this is incidental, and that I do not know how it is like to live in fear of facing homophobia.

I'm sorry if I came across as ignorant and insensitive, that was definitely not my intention, I was just trying to share what I've observed in my personal circle. I do not deny that gay people still face hardships and discrimination - I just think that other European countries are more tolerant than how I've experienced the UK, and it's worth pointing it out. Where I live at the moment, people genuinely do not care.

GelatinousDynamo · 08/02/2025 22:06

Bingoooboo · 08/02/2025 21:51

Genuinely curious your opinion on why you think the woman in work chooses to say friend rather than girlfriend? I’m assuming your straight because I’m genuinely curious as to your thoughts on that

as a lesbian I know right away why

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Well, the word "friend" in the local language here can mean both a casual friend and a girlfriend. But there is another word for girlfriend, which is very clear in it's meaning, which she never uses. I don't know why, she's never hidden the fact that they share a romantic relationship. I can ask her on Monday if you'd like?

Hoppinggreen · 08/02/2025 22:15

MIL has a friend who is a man around 15/20 years younger (not romantic she has a Boyfriend). He has never married and lived with his mother until she died, he is also rather camp.
DH asked MIL if she thought he might be gay once and she got quite cross with him as if it was an insult (she is of the gerneration where wondering about someones sexuality would be more of an accusation than idle curiosity). SIL also thinks he is gay
I think he is probably so far in the closet he doesn't even really know himself

ThatMerryReader · 08/02/2025 22:28

And how on earth are you going to know they are gay if they have not said?

JoyousGreyOrca · 08/02/2025 23:36

Kay67 · 08/02/2025 17:48

@JoyousGreyOrca I don't think it's sad, it's what he feels comfortable with and as time has gone on he probably doesn't feel the need to make some big announcement. We've all guessed they are partners. We were brought up by parents who were born pre war and views were different in those times, he probably didn't know how his parents would take it. Also, we lived through all the HIV/AIDS times, where people were more prejudiced towards homosexual men. For whatever reason he's never felt the need to "come out" to family/friends and if he did, then life would just carry on as normal, he knows us well enough to know that none of us are homophobic.

I am older, I lived through HIV/AIDS time and discrimination. Being open like straight people are is what should be the norm.