Do I tell DD DH doesn't think she has it in her?

[ATreeNamedFred]

Basically what DH just said. DD is currently ranked 20 in the country for her sport. She is, admittedly, quite laid back about it. As in she doesn't burst into floods of tears if she doesn't win a match AND she thinks she played well. (If she thinks she didn't do well and lost, then it's another story).

There's a training camp in the summer holidays and I just showed DH the details. He said there's no point as he's given up the hope that DD will ever be competitive to win anything. But I can ask her if she wants to go.

He goes to max. one match a year and never bothers to get her from training any more, I always have to. Although he says at 12, she's old enough to take the bus home (wait up to 10mins out on an industrial road for the bus to the city centre and wait 15-20 mins for the bus home) as a cop out.

She never misses a match or a training session unless she's ill. She's been told she can join the national squad training sessions next year. How the hell am I supposed to hide from her the fact that he thinks she's not good enough and doesn't believe she will ever win anything?

She’s 12??!!

I was reading the OP thinking she was in her early 20’s. No you don’t tell her, keep your mouth shut and you need to lay off the pressure a bit as well. She’s not “20th in the country” she’s 20th in her age group. There’s an enormous difference.

You sound like the mad pushy mum from hell, he sounds a bit more realistic but none the less let your daughter enjoy her sport in the way she’s pleases.

Don’t tell her and if she was breaking down in tears after every match I would be concerned.

Your dh was making a private comment to You that he doesn't think she has the fire in her belly for elite sport. Why on earth would you relay that to her?

I would try putting it to him in terms of needing to support her to do something she is interested in and committed to - there are a lot worse things she could be doing. It’s difficult to find positive things that teens want to do consistently and she’s found it herself. She sounds great and he should give her his support and maybe he’ll see that and value her more.

I also think he's pissing on her chips because he's jealous. Gross man.

I agree with this.

Would he rather she was spending all her time on Tik Tok and playing with make up ?

Honestly it's an absolute godsend if a DC has a sport or hobby as they enter the teenage years. Much better they spend their time and energy on healthy pursuits than discovering alcohol or drugs. I also think having a focus in one direction means you're more focused in other ways as well.

He is just looking for an excuse not to do any lifts, seems like he is the lazy loser not her.

You don’t need to hide anything g but you don’t need to tell her that! She sounds great, committed and reliable and level headed in addition to being very talented. Of course she should have the opportunity to continue and see where it takes her. I would be having serious thoughts about being married to him though.

My friend's daughter was involved in tennis and tennis competitions/tournaments/training/camps. Yes it did cost a lot of money and time. She was top 10 under 16/17 at one point. She didn't turn professional in the end but it did help her to get a scholarship at a US university and has absolutely thrived. What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't have to all about winning everything. Sport can take you in all sorts of directions. It would be a shame to take that away when she's clearly up for doing it.

Exactly. Great interest at her age and for possible uni applications and job CVs. Certainly makes her stand out .

She sounds pretty awesome to me. It's great she has you.

I think your husband needs to learn how to support his daughter with enthusiasm and pride, ffs. It's a shitty, shitty attitude to say don't bother because you're not one of the very best.

(Also an athlete, btw)

Does he think all the football parents standing outside in all weathers cheering on their child believe they are going to be an athlete as an adult???? They do it as supporting their kids hobby.

His attitude stinks. And sounds like a way to avoid pulling his weight re lifts.

I'm baffled that you think the problem here is hiding his attitude from her. Your problem is that he's an arsehole. You need to sort this out with him and continue to support her with or without him. Do not tell her how he feels. She's a child and it will scar her for life.

I cannot imagine a world in which you wouldn’t be bursting with pride about your kid’s achievements!

I cannot imagine being in a relationship with a man who refuses give their child a lift when it’s in their power to do so.

is he a shit father and partner in other ways op?

I had a dad a bit like that . His opinion was if I was old enough to attend , I was old enough to get myself home.
Tbh I was totally jealous of the other girls that got picked up , was terrified of the journey home on dark winter night , but stubborn enough to keep going.
Now many years later ( and with children at that age myself ) I still remember and judge my dad for being like that.

Does it matter if she's the best or not? Surely if she lives doing the sport then you encourage to go as far as she wants to go with it

His private honest opinion is that they should not bother allowing her to do a training camp, because she’s not any good. this shows every day to his dd in his public obvious opinion that she’s not worth picking up, supporting or going to see her matches. There’s nothing private about this opinion.

Right, so to insult your spouse is the best strategy to address an issue now...
How utterly ridiculous.
I am sure you saw sense the last time they called you an arsehole.
Also, probably best to do it in front of the children right?

OP said he said to ask and DD and if she wants to then fine. People can have opinions that differ as long as he doesn’t share them
with DD or try to stop her if she wants to it’s fine.

lots of parents are apprehensive about shelling out loads for sports camps when their kids are indifferent. It’s a lot of money, but he’s put the ball in DDs court. It’s all very mountain out of a molehill.

Can't believe this is still even here. Op isn't even engaging

So just to be clear, your daughter is 12 and is ranked 20th in the country for her sport and age group and your DH is moaning that she isn't winning anything? My ghast is flabbered! She is already an elite athlete. She is being told she can shortly join the national squad. National squads don't just take any old cod - you actually need to be really talented to get a call up. It takes something like 10,000 hours training to develop a talent which is why you don't normally see 12 year old at the Olympics. It doesn't mean they are not brilliant nor does it mean they won't win a world, commonwealth or Olympic title. If I were you, I would tell your DH to keep his unwanted opinions to himself and pull himself together to support his daughter. Jeez! There will be people out there who would give their right arm for their kid to be 20th in their league. Best of luck for your daughter's career- sounds like despite her dad's lack of enthusiasm, she has a great attitude towards her sport.

Your DH is a prick. Don’t tell her what he said, why would you!!!!!

Rant over, I've calmed down. I suppose I should have asked how I can mitigate his attitude rather than if I should tell her.

@Lougle, yes, I think that's what he's saying. Although right now I'm not sure what other sacrifices come into it. She will e.g. voluntarily miss party sleepovers if she has a match the next day as she knows she needs to sleep, often misses out on stuff with friends because she goes training or to tournaments instead etc.

She does two other sports as well (one at county level) and orchestra. At the moment she wants to be a doctor, has no plans of going professional as far as I'm aware. My point of view is she has a sport she's good at and loves and wherever she goes in the future she will always be able to find a club and have an entry into a community even if she knows no one. Having moved around a lot I think that's worth more than any gold medal! It seems to me that this is absolutely the right time for her to be trying it out, when she doesn't have exams looming or whatever.

@TopshopCropTop As to the ranking, sorry if I wasn't clear. She's allowed to compete in her age group and the one above, although she doesn't this year as she's still the youngest age of her age group and her coach said he didn't recommended it. So it didn't occur to me others would interpret it differently as I knew what I was talking about, we really don't have anything to do with older age groups so it wasn't on my radar.

I think/hope DH has had a bit of a re-think, he has said he will come and collect us from her next match and will do something with DS whilst we're out. He's probably annoyed as it's a home tournament this week so I was out helping set up and am volunteering all weekend.

DD has decided to go. I've told her we'll spend the week doing [DH's preferred activity] - which she hates!

Absolutely not. Your husband is a fuckwit and a poor excuse for a father.

You support your daughter as best you can and encourage her ambition.

She might just like the sport which is enough reason to invest in it. I hate that so many people think you have to be van gosh to enjoy painting, or premier league good to want to play football.

I would NOT tell her. I'd I'd tell him it's not about winning so he can pipe down