Do I tell DD DH doesn't think she has it in her?

[ATreeNamedFred]

Basically what DH just said. DD is currently ranked 20 in the country for her sport. She is, admittedly, quite laid back about it. As in she doesn't burst into floods of tears if she doesn't win a match AND she thinks she played well. (If she thinks she didn't do well and lost, then it's another story).

There's a training camp in the summer holidays and I just showed DH the details. He said there's no point as he's given up the hope that DD will ever be competitive to win anything. But I can ask her if she wants to go.

He goes to max. one match a year and never bothers to get her from training any more, I always have to. Although he says at 12, she's old enough to take the bus home (wait up to 10mins out on an industrial road for the bus to the city centre and wait 15-20 mins for the bus home) as a cop out.

She never misses a match or a training session unless she's ill. She's been told she can join the national squad training sessions next year. How the hell am I supposed to hide from her the fact that he thinks she's not good enough and doesn't believe she will ever win anything?

I wouldn't tell her no. But if she guesses then l wouldn't conceal it from her

Has your husband ever achieved anything of note?! Bet he's never been ranked 20 in anything. He's clearly not 20th best dad, he sounds mean, lazy and self absorbed

My bestie at secondary went on to be a world champion/olympic medalist at her sport. At 12 she was county level....She had many amazing experiences through her sport but now earns money in another way. Unless you're a footballer or tennis player elite sports will only ever be a part of your life, you'll have work too. Your dh is being an arse, it's not about the ranking or a high flying career it's about so many other things. He should be supporting her passions and loving her for who she is not what she might be/might achieve/what bragging rights he may get

Does he actually play any sport or is an armchair expert?

Not sure why you’d tell your daughter.

Could he just fuck off? Seriously though, what an arsehole. And yeah, could he fuck off to the far side of fuck? Do you have other DC he pretends to parent?

He doesn’t sound great, but he’s certainly better than a pushy parent. It sounds as though your DD has a very healthy attitude.

Why does it matter? Surely if she enjoys it and wants to go then it's worthwhile?

It took me until I was in my 30s to realise that I didn't have to be good at hobbies. As long as I enjoyed them that was enough.

But no-one is pushing this 12 year old. OP is simply facilitating her taking part in this sport by getting her to matches and picking her up.

She's not a pushy competitive parent as far as I can tell.

If she's ranked 20th in the country for her age group surely she's ranked even higher at county or regional level? Regardless, if your child is committed to an activity you support and encourage them. Does your DH have any hobbies or interests he performs at national level (to inspire his daughter)?

At any point in one’s life, ranking 20th nationally in anything is a rare and magnificent achievement.

Sorry OP but I don’t think your DH has it in him to be a supportive father.
I’ve just given up hope he’ll ever aspire to meet her needs.

Maybe he needs to hear this?

Ooo, you’re not going to ‘tell her outright?’

And she’s ’only 20th in her age group, not the country’?

Poor kid. Her dad isn’t recognising her accomplishments, her mum is down playing them, and considering telling her daughter about the fathers comments ( but not outright).

Poor kid

This is actually an alternative approach that could work. She could be so determined to prove him wrong!

Is this another one of those mental tennis dad threads that everyone gets enraged about and then mnhq delete because its a previously banned poster? 😂

This is so odd. So, your child is one of the best in the country at something (so, presumably the best in your county, etc) and your DH doesn’t consider that ‘competitive’ or worthy of his time? Is nobody else seeing how mad that is? No point playing tennis is you’re not going to be Serena Williams?

And, you presumably, to rank as no 20, she’s won LOTS of things. So, saying she’ll never be competitive enough to win at anything makes literally no sense.

None of this makes any sense.

@ForZanyAquaViewer see my post above 😂

your husband is confusing outward shows of emotion with the presence or absence of underlying motivation. That is a fatal judgement. It is not how motivation works.

On the other hand, if she showed any competitive killer instinct, would it get swamped by Dad's fantastical ideas of "success"?

Couch sitting Dad passing judgement on daughter's chances as she goes through the rigours of high level training at a pretty vulnerable transition point into secondary, adolescence etc...leaving the work of facilitation and communication to you? Doesn't sit well with me.

Don't be Dad's conduit to daughter. Be her Mum.

Just saw! 🤣

It could be that she's laid back because she's having all of the enthusiasm knocked out of her by her Dad. She knows that nothing she does will be good enough for him.

Bloody hell, you can’t tell her he’s said that. It will break her heart and probably extinguish any love and enjoyment she has for her sport.

Is it only worth him supporting her if there’s a chance she’s going to make a career out of it? Or win a load of trophies he can brag about? What if her hobby was reading or sewing or drawing? Would he be even less interested?

You need to tell him that he is being a bloody shit dad and he should be ashamed of himself.

Every week or so one seems to pop up. It's always Tennis and a really unreasonable, unsupportive Dad. Then everyone comments and then mumsnet delete it. Hopefully it's not another time waster!!

That's a horrible attitude that's it's only worth him putting in effort if she wins. What about keeping up with a sport for physical and mental health, for friendships outside school cliques, as something to do as an alternative to sitting on phones and posting on tiktok? There is lots that's good about competitive sport other than being the absolute best. Most parents take and collect their kids even when they're shit at a hobby, if they enjoy themselves

Is he jealous on some level?

Agree. What does it achieve letting her know this (in whatever way)? She's a child. Let her enjoy whatever sport it is.

Don’t tell her. It sounds like her attitude is healthy. Why does he need to believe that she can be number one to support his daughter in an activity she enjoys? I understand from what you have said that you would tell her if she asks. If it’s that obvious she might already know. I would focus the conversation on her not needing this validation from anyone to her build healthy relationships. I would challenge his behaviour. If everyone quit something they didn’t think they could be number one who would be left. There is always going to be someone better, so a healthy relationship to competition and validation is important.