Do I tell DD DH doesn't think she has it in her?

[ATreeNamedFred]

Basically what DH just said. DD is currently ranked 20 in the country for her sport. She is, admittedly, quite laid back about it. As in she doesn't burst into floods of tears if she doesn't win a match AND she thinks she played well. (If she thinks she didn't do well and lost, then it's another story).

There's a training camp in the summer holidays and I just showed DH the details. He said there's no point as he's given up the hope that DD will ever be competitive to win anything. But I can ask her if she wants to go.

He goes to max. one match a year and never bothers to get her from training any more, I always have to. Although he says at 12, she's old enough to take the bus home (wait up to 10mins out on an industrial road for the bus to the city centre and wait 15-20 mins for the bus home) as a cop out.

She never misses a match or a training session unless she's ill. She's been told she can join the national squad training sessions next year. How the hell am I supposed to hide from her the fact that he thinks she's not good enough and doesn't believe she will ever win anything?

…Obviously not. I mean, really, seriously, literally, obviously not. as in, this so unbelievably blatantly not that I find it more than a bit weird that you’ve actually had to seek counsel on this. Unless of course DD secretly stands for Despised Daughter, in which case, sure. Go forth and break her heart at leisure.

I think deep down she probably knows.. kids aren't stupid and it doesn't sound like he supports her in doing this sport in any way, shape or form..

Why torture her more by telling her?

most self-centred wanker. he lost out on the higher spaces thanks to several politicians, Jeff bezos, and that twat who over-compensated so hard for his lack of virility he ended up Very Impotent President of half a continent thanks to others lacking in both the trouser and cranial department.

Is he ranked within the top 50 in whatever he does for a living? I'm prepared to bet he isn't within the top 1000. Ask him whether that means he should give up.

20th in the country is excellent, unless it’s an incredibly niche sport only played by a handful of people. Help her to work hard at it as long as she wants to. Even if she’s never Olympics level competitive it could still lead to career opportunities. Most importantly, it’s something she enjoys, she’ll be making friends through it, she’ll be learning transferable skills like perseverance and emotional management.

“It’s only worth doing if I’m the best” is a really toxic idea to put into a child’s head.

There will be many times in every life where we fail to achieve a goal or meet someone more talented than ourselves or struggle with something we expected to find easy.

This is really bizarre to me. Why would you consider telling her this, at all? And why does it have to be "worth it" in terms of winning something to support your daughter in a sport? There are obviously so many benefits to someone being physically active and enjoying it. I'm really struggling to get my head around this.

This is spectacularly missing the point. Her 'chances' are irrelevant: it is something she loves, is committed to and is good for her. As others have mentioned, you don't have to be even a little bit good at your chosen hobby if it brings you pleasure.
And even if you were to continue to measure worthiness by bottom-line success, being 20th in the country is a massive achievement, regardless of if she ever climbs higher. I'm not, nor have ever been, 20th in the country for anything! It doesn't stop me having hobbies, or in fact competing in my sport (despite usually coming last!).

OP, this is so sad. My DH is similar with the negative language of "she'll never get anywhere with it" and refusing to take either DC to training as a result or even learn some of the basic rules. It isn't one of 'his' sports, therefore he isn't interested. He is blind to the benefits it brings them or their passion. DC1 is in the top 10 in her age group in the county and on track to make regionals next year (so nowhere near your DD's level of achievement, but still a hell of a lot better than most), but most importantly she loves it! DC2 is too young to compete properly yet, but is also very keen and it keeps her fit and moving. Why wouldn't you choose to facilitate that if you could??
I don't know what the solution is, sadly. My DCs are younger than yours OP, but already regularly make comments about his complete lack of interest or involvement. I cover for him as much as possible for their sake, but it is becoming hard to keep making excuses as to why he isn't there for important competitions etc or making light of the situation. His absence is very obvious, although in our case it forms part of a bigger lack of participation in family life more generally. I would never choose to tell DCs how he feels as it would only hurt, but his actions tell them all they need to know. He's definitely struggled with the reduction of focus on him since DCs arrived, and withdrawn accordingly. Juggling it all alone is really hard, and like you, it would be awesome if he would take them just once a week to give me a break/lie in, but I gave up on that a long time ago now.

I would definitely say my piece to him though: her achievement so far is outstanding, plus she loves it, and it is great for personal development and physical fitness - why is this not enough to be 'worthwhile'? I'd also be spelling out very clearly the damage that will be done by DD overhearing his expectations of nothing less than perfection.
I did say this to DH. He still doesn't do any of the work, shoulder any costs or bother to learn the rules, but has reduced the negative comments and will occasionally boast about her to family (often totally mis-describing her achievements as he doesn't actually understand the relevance of different aspects!). It's just a shame he can't channel the pride/showing off into helping her achieve her goals and potential! One positive note is I guess at least he knew her ranking, DH was shocked and had had no idea, so you/he is ahead on that at least😏

Omg the things you read on here!! 20th in the country? At 12?! She’s amazing! Support her in every possible way. Please ignore her sad excuse for a ‘father’ and never tell her.

You're right, it's the enjoyment that counts and I think her father is wrong to discourage her. I guess I'm just interested to know on what basis her father assumes she has no chances of success, I presume he isn't an expert and it seems a bit presumptuous of him not to ask them their opinion.

Qualifications: knob jockey.

Please do not tell your dd her dad doesn't believe in her ability.

I'd also say waiting around for a bus on a busy road at 12 is not good at all, so I'd collect her if you can.

As to her dad, well he is an idiot and not a very caring dad at all.

Also, sport is about so much more than just winning, keeping fit, making friends, the joy of taking part. Etc etc. Your husband should be pleased as punch that your dd is doing so incredibly well.

Of course you don't tell her.

I had a long commute to school as a 12 year old, I wouldn't rule out the bus sometimes.

I think at her age enjoyment is more important. I was obsessed with a sport and very competitive and actually I think it was bad for me mentally. I enjoy it much much more now I have other things in my life other than just training. Sports burnout is a thing and I've seen talented people drop out of their sport completely for that reason.

I think your DD has got it right.

Your husband doesn’t seem to like his daughter very much. Eventually she will pick up on it. He needs to cop himself on.
Your daughter deserves better treatment.

It doesn’t matter if she makes the sport a career or wins international awards. The pursuit of a passion during childhood is a worthy activity.

There can come a point where you have to be realistic about sacrificing other parts of life in exchange for that pursuit, but as long as you are at a stage where there is still good balance, he should be completely supportive.

ah you can tell him when he’s 20th in the country at anything beyond being a joyless fucker, he can have an input

all the best to your daughter who sounds like she’ll go far with a fab attitude i can only assume is inherited from the matrilineal side

Why would you tell her ?
Firstly it would upset her
and secondly it’s what your dh thinks, not you OP

Well you can't hide his complete lack of believe in her, she probably already sees it from the way he acts. If he wants to tarnish the relationship by not supporting her then you can't change his mind, if you try to cover it up it will look like you are making excuses for him. She definitely deserves to go to the camp and I think you need a serious conversation with your husband about how his behaviour affects his kids.

Well he sounds horrible and not very supportive but telling her he said that would be absolutely awful and cruel. Just continue supporting her and believing in her yourself but no way I'd be telling her that he said that. It would only hurt her.

Tell him to hide his opinion and encourage your daughter until she joins the national training squad.
After six months there, reassess and find her another past time if she is not cutting it.

Fair enough to be realistic but if DD has been offered a national training position then she has potential and she will either really thrive with the new training routine or she will fail.

Don't tell her anything op! Why would you consider such a thing?

Your DD should go to the camp and should carry on with the sport she enjoys until she comes to a natural crossroads and she makes her own decisions about it. Just keep supporting her and believing in her.

Btw I think your dh is quite wrong. It's often not the sports students who are most talented who go on to great success. Ask any sports coach. It's the one's who have inner determination and motivation that go on to bypass the insanely talented ones who aren't as committed.

Op I think this is more than about your DD and her training.

How can you tolerate someone who is so uninterested in their own DC to the extent that he is not bothered about her safety travelling back home at night?

Is his dismissal of your dd's talents explained by misogyny or selfishness?

What sort of a husband is he to you op? Is he kind and supportive?

Your H is proving to be a very poor father; very selfish and disappointing. And actually, I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving my 12 yo to wait at a bus stop on an industrial road. Do you challenge him on his shitty attitude?

I think it's much healthier for your DD to be laid back about it. I wouldn't want my DC's life to revolve around and be consumed by a sport no matter how good they're at it. I'd much rather they just enjoy it regardless of how good or bad they're at it.

And no I wouldn't tell your DD. What good could possibly come out of that ?

he knows she has it in her, he just cant be arsed to do his part.

My DD was chosen to try out for the national squad in her sport and was a shoe in, she went from nothing to national try outs in 3 years (due to the nature of the sport, yes that is possible, age related). Sadly, a medical issue meant she had to give it up for life. But.....even in those three years it was a massive undertaking for us as her parents. Ask any "sport parent" and they will tell you the same. 4am starts for training, then school, then after school training etc. All professional sports people have parents who supported them.

He knows she can, but he cant be bothered to put himself out for her.

Thats the issue here. He loves his own free time time more than his daughters passion in life. He is a selfish shit.

Sorry, going to take issue with this.

I would say, either she will thrive or....she will find it doesnt suit her. She wont fail.