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Original poster

Do I tell DD DH doesn't think she has it in her?

211 replies

ATreeNamedFred · 30/01/2025 20:11

Basically what DH just said. DD is currently ranked 20 in the country for her sport. She is, admittedly, quite laid back about it. As in she doesn't burst into floods of tears if she doesn't win a match AND she thinks she played well. (If she thinks she didn't do well and lost, then it's another story).

There's a training camp in the summer holidays and I just showed DH the details. He said there's no point as he's given up the hope that DD will ever be competitive to win anything. But I can ask her if she wants to go.

He goes to max. one match a year and never bothers to get her from training any more, I always have to. Although he says at 12, she's old enough to take the bus home (wait up to 10mins out on an industrial road for the bus to the city centre and wait 15-20 mins for the bus home) as a cop out.

She never misses a match or a training session unless she's ill. She's been told she can join the national squad training sessions next year. How the hell am I supposed to hide from her the fact that he thinks she's not good enough and doesn't believe she will ever win anything?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 30/01/2025 20:43

Well he's definitely not in the top 20 best fucking fathers is he.

Don't tell her, keep encouraging her and take up any opportunities that come her way, tell her dad he's a horrible example of a parent.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2025 20:44

I'd say she has already clocked his lack of interest and it's very possible, given her level of ability to judge her own performance level, she would dismiss his horrible, mean spirited assessment of her potential as a load of cobblers.

But do not breathe a word of his feelings to her all the same. What good could it possibly achieve?

Has he always been such a poor excuse of a father? Or has his attitude developed as she has shown commitment to her sport and her rise in the rankings? Is he jealous? Because he sounds like a playground bully who can't stand it that someone isn't paying enough attention to him and enjoying and working at something that has nothing to do with him.

Some people claim they're trying to save their child from crushing disappointment by tearing them down or dismissing their aspirations or performance before they can test their mettle in big arenas or with tougher competition. It's usually a case of cutting them down to size because of their own issues, however. Since your H is as uninvolved as he could possibly be with his daughter's sport, I'd say it's a case of cutting her down to size because he's a jerk.

Your daughter is lucky to have you as a mum and supporter. It sounds as if she has good coaches too, if she already has an internal sense of motivation and the ability to assess her own performance.

Yes she should do the national level camp, imo.

LinesAndLinesAndLinesAndLines · 30/01/2025 20:44

What exactly would she have to do to impress him I wonder?

What an absolute arseholel he is.

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Balloonhearts · 30/01/2025 20:46

Oh well obviously it's pointless if the only benefits are enjoyment, teamwork, health...

What a dick.

Iloveyoubut · 30/01/2025 20:46

I couldn’t hide the fact that he’s that horrible a father from myself! That’s your real problem here

StaxAttacks · 30/01/2025 20:47

ATreeNamedFred · 30/01/2025 20:11

Basically what DH just said. DD is currently ranked 20 in the country for her sport. She is, admittedly, quite laid back about it. As in she doesn't burst into floods of tears if she doesn't win a match AND she thinks she played well. (If she thinks she didn't do well and lost, then it's another story).

There's a training camp in the summer holidays and I just showed DH the details. He said there's no point as he's given up the hope that DD will ever be competitive to win anything. But I can ask her if she wants to go.

He goes to max. one match a year and never bothers to get her from training any more, I always have to. Although he says at 12, she's old enough to take the bus home (wait up to 10mins out on an industrial road for the bus to the city centre and wait 15-20 mins for the bus home) as a cop out.

She never misses a match or a training session unless she's ill. She's been told she can join the national squad training sessions next year. How the hell am I supposed to hide from her the fact that he thinks she's not good enough and doesn't believe she will ever win anything?

No one gives a shiny shit what your husband thinks. His “opinion” is a waste of the energy used to express it.

He’s just another know it all that thinks of himself as being the real Special One.

Why would anyone least of all your daughter, her coaches or other competitors care? Nobody cares, he should shut up, and sit down.

GreyAreas · 30/01/2025 20:47

She's already achieved greatness twice, once by being born and being herself, and second in every first step, every milestone, every event, every trial and for showing up. What a girl to have achieved so much in her sport and to be so balanced with it. Make sure you keep showing up for her and being her greatest unconditional supporter, when she wins, when she loses, when she quits. Don't share what a disappointment her father is.

Original poster
ATreeNamedFred · 30/01/2025 20:47

Yes, I will admit to being very pissed off right now after what he said and having collected her yet again. And him moaning that she was taking too long to eat and get to bed when we got back, Obviously I won't tell her outright, unless she asks, I suppose. More, how am I supposed to hide from her his complete lack of belief in her. I mean I don't deny the matches are kind of tedious to one not involved and expensive and time consuming but at the weekends it's always me who takes her anyway.

No, he was never ranked at any kind of sport.

I mean 20th in her age group, not in the entire, entire country, in case there was a misunderstanding. But the training session is for U17's 😮
I'm just pleased she is still doing a sport, and sticking at it. Possibly she gets her laid back-ness from me!

OP posts:
LondonPapa · 30/01/2025 20:48

ATreeNamedFred · 30/01/2025 20:11

Basically what DH just said. DD is currently ranked 20 in the country for her sport. She is, admittedly, quite laid back about it. As in she doesn't burst into floods of tears if she doesn't win a match AND she thinks she played well. (If she thinks she didn't do well and lost, then it's another story).

There's a training camp in the summer holidays and I just showed DH the details. He said there's no point as he's given up the hope that DD will ever be competitive to win anything. But I can ask her if she wants to go.

He goes to max. one match a year and never bothers to get her from training any more, I always have to. Although he says at 12, she's old enough to take the bus home (wait up to 10mins out on an industrial road for the bus to the city centre and wait 15-20 mins for the bus home) as a cop out.

She never misses a match or a training session unless she's ill. She's been told she can join the national squad training sessions next year. How the hell am I supposed to hide from her the fact that he thinks she's not good enough and doesn't believe she will ever win anything?

If this is tennis and she is 20th in country, surely that would mean she’s ~600 in the world? At that point, it becomes difficult to say if it is worth it or not. Can she improve enough to make bigger leagues and get good prize money or will it always be a small time gig?

averythinline · 30/01/2025 20:48

Wow he's a shit isn't he... In what is he top 20 in the uk now never mind when he was 12...

If she wants to carry on and and do something then i would do all i could to support her....

Is it cos he's jealous of attention on her not him?? I can't fathom someone loving saying that

My dc not sporty but friends dc are and its given them so much all the way thru to uni...and into later life .

Dh was v v sporty and got to gb level back in the day and even his absolutely awful parents were more supportive than that.

Snowmanscarf · 30/01/2025 20:49

Of course you don’t mention it! Why would you? Hasn’t he heard that practice makes perfect, and that what these camps are for, to improve.

FrustratedandBemused · 30/01/2025 20:49

LondonPapa · 30/01/2025 20:48

If this is tennis and she is 20th in country, surely that would mean she’s ~600 in the world? At that point, it becomes difficult to say if it is worth it or not. Can she improve enough to make bigger leagues and get good prize money or will it always be a small time gig?

Show quote history

At 12, does it matter? It’s a hobby. My 11 year old costs me a fortune in drama and lessons, and she’s never going to be an actress. She does it because she enjoys it.

TeenLifeMum · 30/01/2025 20:49

What’s he basing his judgment on? I’d be putting him in his place and telling him she won’t achieve if he doesn’t step up and believe in her.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2025 20:50

And a loud, "Hell no" to the bus suggestion.

Is he jealous of the amount of your time DD's sport is taking? Is he the kind of Neanderthal who believes he is owed all the time, energy, and attention of women?

FiveTreeHill · 30/01/2025 20:50

Your DD is ranked 20th in the country and asked to train with the national squad and her dad has given up hoping she'll ever be good enough?

What an absolute arsehole.

Cattreesea · 30/01/2025 20:51

You have no reason to tell her this.

Your husband is being a complete asshole..

He should first of all show an interest in his daughter's sporting passion and should stop trying to play down her achievements.

He sounds like a misogynist as well who automatically rubbishes girls and women's achievements.

Has for him complaining that she is taking too long to eat and go to bed...are you sure he even likes his kid? He sounds like a shitty dad all around and I think you should ask yourself why you are allowing him to be so miserable and critical around your daughter.

Tickledtrout · 30/01/2025 20:51

He's jealous of her, OP

MrsSethGecko · 30/01/2025 20:51

Don't tell her. But do tell him he's a knobhead.

saraclara · 30/01/2025 20:52

I don't know why you're even asking. I can't think of any circumstance where it would occur to me to tell her.

LondonPapa · 30/01/2025 20:52

FrustratedandBemused · 30/01/2025 20:49

At 12, does it matter? It’s a hobby. My 11 year old costs me a fortune in drama and lessons, and she’s never going to be an actress. She does it because she enjoys it.

Show quote history

Oh didn’t clock she’s 12. Slightly different. Dad should STFU as there is still a lot of potential. Later on, if still 20 in U.K., fine. But now? Loads of potential.

ManchesterGirl2 · 30/01/2025 20:53

"He said there's no point as he's given up the hope that DD will ever be competitive to win anything."

Why does it even matter? What matters is whether she's enjoying the sport, having fun pushing herself and developing her skills. I'd just support her in doing what she chooses.

If her dad is unsupportive, sadly she will figure that out soon enough anyway.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2025 20:53

If your daughter asks, tell her he's a pathetic little man with an emotional age of about five.

SchrodingersTwat2 · 30/01/2025 20:55

Do you like him, OP?

He sounds awful.

Purinea · 30/01/2025 20:55

If this is tennis and she is 20th in country, surely that would mean she’s ~600 in the world? At that point, it becomes difficult to say if it is worth it or not.

?? do you only support children in things they may rank no1 in the world in some day? Or just if it’s something they can make into a career? Or are children allowed to have hobbies, do things for fun, and enjoy exercising? What an odd take.

op I’d imagine dd is quite aware that dh is not interested in her, doesn’t believe in her, and doesn’t really like her that much. She doesn’t need you to rub it in by telling her.
this isn’t really anything to do with dd, and everything to do with your inadequate dh

PriOn1 · 30/01/2025 20:56

Absolutely do not tell her yourself, and if he is enough of a bully to tell her himself, tell her he is an asshole and she shouldn’t listen.

Honestly, if a man is so dismissive of your child, you need to defend her from him, not back him up.