Do I tell DD DH doesn't think she has it in her?

[ATreeNamedFred]

Basically what DH just said. DD is currently ranked 20 in the country for her sport. She is, admittedly, quite laid back about it. As in she doesn't burst into floods of tears if she doesn't win a match AND she thinks she played well. (If she thinks she didn't do well and lost, then it's another story).

There's a training camp in the summer holidays and I just showed DH the details. He said there's no point as he's given up the hope that DD will ever be competitive to win anything. But I can ask her if she wants to go.

He goes to max. one match a year and never bothers to get her from training any more, I always have to. Although he says at 12, she's old enough to take the bus home (wait up to 10mins out on an industrial road for the bus to the city centre and wait 15-20 mins for the bus home) as a cop out.

She never misses a match or a training session unless she's ill. She's been told she can join the national squad training sessions next year. How the hell am I supposed to hide from her the fact that he thinks she's not good enough and doesn't believe she will ever win anything?

Also there are lots of jobs in sport that don't involve being in Team GB. She might want to teach it, or work for the professional association?

Your ‘DH’ is an arsehole.
Support dd in doing something SHE loves even if you sorry ass husband won’t get to boast about it, what a dick!

It sounds like your daughter has a healthy attitude towards competition, one that most parents would be encouraging. A 12 y/o doing this well in a sport she enjoys is amazing and you should both be really proud and excited for her.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but could your DH be harbouring some jealousy or insecurity here? Why else would he want to dismiss his daughter's potential at such a young age and refuse to facilitate something that's good for her?

Either that or he's way too hard on her and has lost all sense of perspective. She's 20th in the whole country for goodness' sake! It's a massive achievement. I hope she does go to the camp if she wants to.

Sounds like she has an incredibly mature attitude to winning and losing and bloody good on her! He should be absolutely proud as punch.

He is just a selfish prick who wants everyone and everything to revolve around him that’s why he doesn’t want to pick up DD and moans about her eating/ drinking/ sleeping basically about her existence.
He is very unpleasant.

You must be so proud, OP . Your DD has achieved so much at her age and also has moral strength to stay relaxed. She is such a star!

Id be thrilled that she loves it, but isnt competitive. I loathe competitive sports for kids tbh so I think its an awesome thing she has this attitude. My DN is extremely good at a sport - likely to become professional - and is obsessed with it in my opinion. Diet and training obsessed to the point she needed therapy and a dietician as she got an ED. Crushed when it goes wrong. Just lives and breathes it. It consumes much of my DB and SIL lives too, and affects the other kids cos they are always driving her around everywhere, and sitting for hours at said activity. I feel for them all, I dont think its a good thing tbh. Its been like this since she was 5 and shes now 17.

Your girl is only 12 - hold onto that non-competitive/obsessive side of her for as long as possible. And fgs dont tell her what her DH said. Unless you are sure he didnt mean it kindly as in 'shes amazing but not competitive so might be best not to go to a week long camp' rather than 'shes shit shes not good enough.' Two very different things.

what?
A - READ THE POST. OP specified within it and has confirmed again that she's twelve, so no she's not in uni or anywhere near it
B - since when were the only two options for earning a living playing a sport at professional level OR going to uni?
why would she 'have' to go to uni at all?
C - playing sport at a professional level could potentially benefit her at uni - either by making her application stand out, potentially getting a scholarship, or, depending on what she studies, (sports science, golf management, physiotherapy etc) literally being part of her degree

what are you trying to say, indeed?

Out of how many millions who have ever picked up a racquet and ball?

It's not all about the money, you know.

Is he ranked in anything? Was he quite young when he achieved that ranking?

My guess is that the answer to both questions is 'NO'.

Sounds like he is jealous of his own daughter and wants to take her down a peg.

She, and you, are too good for him.

No one has to tell your daughter anything. It doesn't matter if she doesn't win a medal. The biggest factor is that your daughter is happy, enjoys her sport and wants to go to matches/training. It may be a sport she continues to enjoy and want to do, into her teens and beyond. Equally, she may reach a point that she doesn't want to continue. Your husband needs to support his daughter's enthusiasm, and more importantly keep his opinions well away from her ears.

Sounds to me as they she has got it spot on. Top 20 in the country means she is excelling, but seems like she is swerving the stress factor that a lot of young athletes face. Good on her, she sounds amazing

What a vile man. She is 12. Sport is supposed to be fun at her age. She is really good at it but that is not good enough for him. He is abhorrent.

My daughter is ranked in top 5 in her sport. She’s very chill sometimes looks like she can’t be arsed. We like her chill, she had her months of begging to do more. Can’t physically as she does tons. However we have 4 kids who all play the same sport, (3 will never be ranked) we treat them all the same. Drive up and down the country with them. We can do it and will until they stop enjoying it. Do we think she is going to be a top player in her sport. Probably not as chances are better to win lotto. But we support and big them up no matter what. Teaches so many important life lesson in all their training. I can’t fathom why a dad would treat his child like this. I would continue taking her to everything. You husband needs to look at his behaviour.

Sounds like your DD has a healthy attitude. Top 20 is impressive and at 12 plenty of time to mature. Many top sportsman don't really start reaching the top top until later whilst others drop out/burn out. But more importantly sounds like she enjoys it and playing sport at this level can open lots of doors in later life. Plus it's good for her health.
Your DH is an arse. Don't tell her - nobody needs that negativity in their life.

Does it really matter if she wins or not, surely enjoying the sport and keeping fit is enough. There’s no need to tell DD anything about her father’s poor attitude and lack of support. I bet he would be like this with any hobby because he can’t be bothered.

Or maybe he is realistic, she is 12, maybe she doesn't have it in her. That's not a bad thing, nor does it make him an arsehole.

If this was flipped, a woman saying her kid enjoyed sport but didn't have it in her to be number. 1 , but her dad was pushing her for success then the replies would be different.

If this IS tennis, it must already be taking over your lives. She must be playing tournaments regularly at regional level and training hours a week.

I wouldn't tell her what her Dad's said but I would be realistic about whether she is happy to be making the sacrifices she must be making to be at that level. I say that as the parent of a child who was national level at a similar age and doesn't even play for fun now!

So he can't be arsed to do anything to help and is making excuses....you don't get training offers like this if they don't see potential....she sounds well grounded.

There's a difference between being committed to something and being driven to succeed in my experience. Do you think she actually has her heart in it long term?

You say she's laid back but does she actually show enthusiasm towards the prospect of going further etc? It's a lot of extra work for something she may decide to just drop once teenage life becomes a bit more interesting.

What a horrible man. Sport should be fun, not to be the best. Only one person in the whole country out of everyone that does the sport can be number one!

But that's what he is saying.

Wow your DD sounds amazing! Your DH on the other hand just sounds awful. She’s only 12! Absolutely do not tell her, even if she asks. It sounds like she’s enjoying the sport and has a healthy mindset. I was reading your post, thinking how lovely at the start. He clearly has the attitude that only ‘winning’ is important which is very sad for him and clearly has no idea how to be a good parent which is very sad for your daughter. This is so important for your DD’s general self-esteem which needs building not taking down.

He doesn't not believe in her he just doesn't want to be involved in taking her and watching her and being involved in something that's important to her

If I'm really honest it would make me re-evaluate his interest in being a family and all that entails. Is he involved in other aspects of family life?

Is it taking up a horrific amount of family life and he wants to redress the balance and being realistic?

What does he want to do instead of accomodating her sport??
Quality family time with another activity you can enjoy together?
Or to go down through / sit Infront of the TV?

It's probably not quite LTB territory yet, but I'd be keeping an eye out on just how involved he is as an active, supportive father and husband and make future plans based in that.

Say absolutely nothing to your daughter unless you want to be doing follow up posts in a few years about how your DD has no interest in a relationship with either of you now she's an adult and you can't understand why. Is there a particular reason you wanted to make sure she knows how worthless and small her father sees her, is this invalidation a common theme?