Was what I said a racial microaggression?

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My sister and I were out, and we bumped into a woman I was friends with at work (but have lost touch with) about 15 years ago.

It was excited to see her. We said hi and had a nice (albeit brief) chat before we both had to dash. During the chat I said "You look amazing, by the way. How have you not aged a single day since we worked at X?!" (for context, I most definitely have aged - lots of wrinkles now...).

My sister says that this was a racial microaggression. My colleague/friend is black. My sister and I are white. My sister says it's a microaggression because it assumes that black people "should" visibly age at the same rate as white people, and that's not necessarily the case.

Friend/colleague showed no sign of being anything but pleased and friendly with me, but now I'm worried.

Would you consider what I said a racial microaggression?

Succinct 👌🏾

I do think being mindful of what we say is a good thing. I guess we can never be sure how people will receive what we say.

I don't like insincerity - it grates. And so a fake compliment like that would irritate me

She's being absolutely ridiculous. I have black family members who I often comment how they look so much younger. One of them even said it's "because black don't crack". I'm white. It was a none issue and they loved the fact I said they look younger.

It is not racist to notice that a black person has aged well. It is also not racist to declare that in general most black people age well. There is no discrimination.

Black don't crack and Asian don't raisin

You paid the woman a lovely compliment and she reacted in kind.
Your sister is being daft.

😂

Yes - as I said, it's just a thing people say. She's not someone I know well, I didn't take it seriously, I just moved the conversation on

Why would not being Afro make it “better”? 🤔

Well there are lots of things that are applied to 'white' people, particularly 'white british people' as if they are all one big homogenous lump, its what people do, people are put together

It is generally true that black skin is more elastic than white skin and ages better so to speak. There will always people outside of that generalisation but its a generalisation because its generally the case, its just a physical fact

It doesnt need prefacing with a hundred and one outlier descriptions or exceptions.

I thought the same! She looks amazing. So do Denise Lewis and Kelly Holmes, though they are a bit younger.

I really don't think people have to overthink conversation so much. It just leads to a wariness of PoC.

Who says it's fake? Some people DO age well and don't look significantly older.

I am fairly sure my mum's cousin has a portrait in his attic...

I can't really get my head around this.

Hard agree. Your sister is being a tool.

@mistmirror is it the movement geographically that defies the ageing process? For example would a black person in Africa age at the same pace as a white person in Europe? but when the darker skinned person lives in a cold climate with less sun they slow down the skin ageing? Or is it just a genetic advantage

I’ve just looked at some sites about micro aggressions. I know I will use them quite a lot. By nature it is unwittingly. Anything I say here about how hard it is to stop is a micr-aggression in itself because it puts the onus on the minority group to just accept I cannot do better so they have to forgive and put up with it. There is some ideas on how not to use them here

As an ethnic minority, disabled woman I also experience micro aggressions. I notice some of them, but can usually tell when someone is being well meaning

When I’m asked where were you born and say Manchester there are two different tones of saying but where are you from?

I’m in the UK and I work on a helpline, my name is Indian - if someone agrees to have ethnicity recorded they sometimes need an example eg White British or Black or Black British African.
only people who are white British ever respond “just normal”.
However they are often very stressed and isn’t the time for a lesson.

in context of disability- you are so inspiring is meant from a good place so I won’t say anything to it.

All of it can go too far though. I’d rather someone is a bit clumsy and talks to me about my Indian background than they are too afraid of saying the wrong thing and don’t say anything just in case.

You are right. I bought her book to read to the grandkids it made me cry the way her family was treated (and so many others) she is a fantastic lady and a real trailblazer. Very culturally important. And a beautiful smile.

Why would 'not cracking' be better?

People have got to stop making sweeping generalisations based on people's skin colour. Not what what the op is about I know but 'black don't crack' is not a term that should be used at all.

Not wrinkling is generally accepted as being more desirable than wrinkling. Your comparison suggests that European hair is generally accepted as more desirable than Afro hair. Now that’s a microaggression. Maybe even a straight up aggression. I dunno, but either way it’s racist AF.

Saying 'crack' is insulting and aggressive sounding. There is nothing wrong with normal ageing skin.

Oh please. It’s simply because it rhymes. No, there is nothing wrong with ageing skin but it’s disingenuous to claim that society doesn’t push youthful skin as the ideal.

Regardless of the message about ageing skin, your comparison to Afro hair implies that you see Afro hair as undesirable.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with any kind of hair either but it is disingenuous to claim that society doesn't push smooth hair as the ideal. Look at how many people straighten their hair, of all ethnicities.

If anyone said 'white don't <insert any critical view of other races>' it would rightly be deemed as totally offensive and unacceptable, so I really think the 'black don't crack' comments should stop. Unless you are suggesting you wouldn't mind a 'white don't ....' observation?

It also co-incides with the rise of "social anxiety".
Of course its a real thing and is more recognised, but if you are more disposed to being anxious, overthinking small talk and what could be twisted to be offensive doesn't make talking to aquaintences any easier.

There's been a couple of suggestions of not mentioning appearance at all, even if entirely complimentary, and that makes finding little connections and sharing positivity even harder. It makes the world more isolating.

In terms of race and PoC, it's more unnecessary barriers to us all just getting on as humans and getting to know each other as individual people.

Most people are not trying to be offensive. Even if they occasionally say something a bit clumsy. Which we all do from time to time. Telling someone they look amazing is fine in any culture!

No it’s fine, I’m mixed race and have aged far more slowly than my white friends. But as @Merryoldgoat writes it’s just that I’m less lined that’s all I am obviously older.