Was what I said a racial microaggression?

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My sister and I were out, and we bumped into a woman I was friends with at work (but have lost touch with) about 15 years ago.

It was excited to see her. We said hi and had a nice (albeit brief) chat before we both had to dash. During the chat I said "You look amazing, by the way. How have you not aged a single day since we worked at X?!" (for context, I most definitely have aged - lots of wrinkles now...).

My sister says that this was a racial microaggression. My colleague/friend is black. My sister and I are white. My sister says it's a microaggression because it assumes that black people "should" visibly age at the same rate as white people, and that's not necessarily the case.

Friend/colleague showed no sign of being anything but pleased and friendly with me, but now I'm worried.

Would you consider what I said a racial microaggression?

So should we pay people compliments for their intellectual prowess? Their wit? Or not compliment people at all?

Exactly this
It can't be racist if nothing you said was linked to her race. Not explicitly- i.e. if you'd said "you haven't aged at all but I suppose black people age better don't they?" Or even implicitly, had you said something like "your skin looks amazing."

If anything your sister was the one being racist by making the race link when you hadn't. She's got absolutely no way if knowing whether you wouldn't have said the exact same thing to an acquaintance of any other ethnicity, therefore she was the one making racial assumptions.

I was going to say that as it is what my husband says!

That is horrible and does give context to her reaction.

I’m a black woman and this is not racist. If you stop yourself from saying a black person hasn’t aged like you would say to a white person then this is treating black people differently.

Don't most people care about other people's opinions on their appearance?
I love it when I get a compliment about my appearance or when someone shows surprise about my age!

I'm another who thinks it is impolite to comment on appearance at all in this scenario. What someone you hardly know looks like is not something to pass comment on.

Your sister is creating problems where there are none.

If anyone has been offensive here - it's your sister!

I know about microgressions as I'm from a minority group and I know they don't all need to mention race but I just can't for the life of me see why saying something to a black person which is the same thing you would say to a white or Asian person can be a micrpaggression that is all. I do have OCD and worry about what I do and say so may be I'm just over thinking it a bit though. She wasn't treating this black friend any differently to how she would treat a person of any colour . Those of us who are part of minority cultures don't want to be treated differently to anyone else especially in a situation where it's not relevant to the conversation.

What @Kindling1970 says makes a lot of sense. But none of us know what your sisters or the OP's motivations were.

Unless she had a portrait in the attic, EVERYONE ages in one way or another.

I bet your BIL does not look the same as he did 15 years ago.

Fuck knows how this is a racial micro aggression.

Is your sister the type of person who always has to find something to moan about?

As a woman of colour I definitely don't think you were at all offensive. Your sister however is. Please tell her we don't need the great white crusader to tell us when to be offended

Amen! We sure don't

I loathe that expression, it's surely as inappropriate as if white people started commenting on who has better hair. 'White don't afro' or similar, how well would that be received?

Black and white people can be beautiful and can look years younger than they are but I really think 'black don't crack' needs to stop being trotted out.

I love your cousin's wife!

I am brown, and in my 50s and delighted when people compliment my wrinkle free skin. I have still aged in other, depressing ways. . My had died when he was almost 90, he looked like a man in his 60s. It's not a racial micro aggression or any kind of aggression to compliment someone on looking young. This sort of utter nonsense makes a mockery of real racism. DEI training and that grifter dingbat Robin D'Angelo has a lot to answer for.

There's a lot more to aging than skin, and there's a lot more to skin than melanin. Fine if you don't find the expression offensive but some people do and I wouldn't dream of saying it to someone for that reason. Reminds me of other racist tropes that are superficially positive but actually really offensive and dehumanising.

OMG why is it always white people getting offended for other races? I find this kind of behaviour offensive in of itself, it's like saying "I know how this person feels better than they do" and its assuming the person of colour is too timid to speak up for themselves (unless of course she did speak up, but I'm assuming she didn't because she wasn't bothered at all)

I'd say you have nothing to worry about. The only person who has any say in this matter is your black colleague... no complaint? no problem.

What if you were lying? What if you were just engaged in polite small talk like we all do with a platitude at how great your coworker was looking without actually meaning it? Is it still racist if it’s social lubricating nonsense?

IMHO it’s not a micro aggression.

But some people may find it so. The important thing is to be aware and consider your perspective (and potential unconscious bias) in what you think and say. For example, were you comparing her to White people you know, against a White norm or expectation?

And you have considered this. So, that’s a good thing. Just like it’s a good thing your sister made you stop and think. And it’s a good thing you’ve asked for others’ perspectives on here.

IMHO, if we’re all more conscious there are other perspectives and ‘norms’ than our own, society will feel more inclusive. But it doesn’t necessarily mean we should change what we say. Just be aware.

They isn’t an eye roll big enough for this.

It's not offensive you gave her a compliment. I am sure she appreciated it. A genuine compliment from another woman is lovely

@BingoLarge I didn’t comment on the phrase ‘black don’t crack’. I don’t think it’s racist but that’s my opinion. I don’t speak for all black people.

And yes of course there are myriad factors which influence aging, but generally speaking black skin ages more slowly than white skin.

That isn’t a controversial statement.

There will be plenty of outliers, plenty of white people who ‘age well’ and black people who don’t.

But using, you know, my eyes, it’s very clear black skin ages differently from white skin. Whether that’s better or not is an opinion.

Personally I don’t equate old with bad so I’m perfectly comfortable aging. But I’m 47 and have fewer wrinkles than some of my colleagues in their 20s. I don’t LOOK 20 - I just look like a smooth-skinned 47 year old.

I barely used sunscreen in my youth, smoked, drank like a shoal of fish and did nothing to take care of my skin. Just like my mum who was mistaken for my sister regularly.

Dear God your friend is an idiot. Black people have natural in built sun protection. That’s why their skin is black! They originated from hot countries. White people lost that when they moved to cold countries and didn’t need the sun protection but did need to absorb as much vitamin d as possible. Has your friend honestly not wondered why people from different countries are different colors?!?!

Of course people with natural inbuilt sun protection will age better, especially if they live in cooler countries.