Can never feel proud of myself as DH salary dwarfs mine

[user263758910]

I made £116,319 in 2024. Mid-30s, busy job, two primary aged DC.

DH earned 5x that. His success will always be greater than mine, and even as a high earner I feel like I am not good enough. I will never earn what he is earning.

Because of the large difference in salaries, he treats me like a part-timer, expecting me to do far more of the mental load and traditional gendered role at home.

My achievements are seldom recognised, because his are much greater.

Anyone else feel like this when they work full-time like their spouses but are the lower earner?

You can feel proud of yourself. Achievement is not measured in money or status. Your DH is an arse.

(edited to correct typo)

But why are both your ‘achievements’ measured purely in earnings?

and you’re earning far more than the majority as well as taking on most of the home stuff too.

How much of this is pressure on yourself, and how much is about how he makes you feel valued (or not)?

He’s probably just projecting because he earns so little himself. Mid thirties he should be on at least six figures. LTB.

Do you mean 7?

I probably put a lot of pressure on myself.

With an household income in the top 1%, I’d be outsourcing all the trad wife shit!

The problem is that he doesn't respect your success and thinks that the onl measure is money. And you appear to agree with him.

There are plenty of careers where being at the top would still earn less than you do - I really hope that people in those careers are not treated like they have "a little job" by their partner.

Of course, my mistake

Gosh that’s very money orientated from the pair of you! It’s kind of telling that you gave your income to the £. You don’t reference what you do for a living, what hours you work, whether you’re doing well in your role. Just the pure pound value.

my DH is a SAHP and is amazing at it and fantastic at keeping the house running. He’s a wonderful partner. He should be proud of that. It’s a lot of work! But according to your measure he does nothing.

it’s just a terribly sad way of liking at life.

*Looking at life

Are you married to Boris Johnson?

With the money you both earn you shouldn't have to do much housework at all.

We outsource a lot, nanny, dog walker etc. But he thinks my job is lowly enough to be picking up the slack here - like cooking in the evenings for us etc.

Is this a joke? You only earn £116,319 so you deserve to be treated with contempt by your DH?

cough bullshit cough

Oh well. It's up to you if you let him treat you like that.

Leave. Live alone. Enjoy yourself.

A surgeon who saves lives should be proud. A teacher who inspires their students, a carer for the elderly should be proud.

No doubt someone who just shifts money around to make more, or strips assets etc has nothing to be proud of.

Your issue is a twat husband, the money is irrelevant but you are very focused on it.

My sons and husband out earn me. Their side gigs out earn me.

However, I have loads of abilities they don’t have.

You are focussed on the wrong thing. It’s about respectful communication. Regardless of who has longer hours or who earns more, household decisions should be discussed and negotiated cooperatively.

You both work full time I don't think the money side should make any difference at all.

‘My diamond shoes are too tight’

I sympathise with the nature of the problem but it seems disingenuous and goady to insert the actual figures here

Presuming whatever you do to earn 100k plus is pretty full on so definitely use his salary to outsource all the cleaning/ironing/gardening tasks. Even we manage to do this on a third of your joint salary. He sounds a bit of a knob who needs putting in his place. Marriage is team work not a solo act.

You sound like a classic overachiever. The fact you earn such a great salary at a relatively young age whilst also having two young children is really impressive and yet you’ve managed to find a way to prove that it’s still “not good enough” and you should be doing more.

If it’s your DH making you feel like this, reconsider the relationship. If it’s coming from within yourself, take a look at how you can develop a healthier frame of mind.

did you misplace a decimal or add an extra 1 in by mistake or something ?

Assuming you are working long hours, then you really have two choices

Accept that in your relationship, he will never ever compromise on his career as he thinks earning that sort of money means that HE is the only one whose needs count. In which case, decide foryoruself how you are going to manage these chores (I'd be inclined to get a housekeeper myself).

Or leave because he doesn't respect your success.