Can never feel proud of myself as DH salary dwarfs mine

[user263758910]

I made £116,319 in 2024. Mid-30s, busy job, two primary aged DC.

DH earned 5x that. His success will always be greater than mine, and even as a high earner I feel like I am not good enough. I will never earn what he is earning.

Because of the large difference in salaries, he treats me like a part-timer, expecting me to do far more of the mental load and traditional gendered role at home.

My achievements are seldom recognised, because his are much greater.

Anyone else feel like this when they work full-time like their spouses but are the lower earner?

@ruethewhirl I work really hard in my job. Really fucking hard. But it's for the NHS in a non-clinical but vital role that doesn't pay very well. I also have disabilities which impact my ability to manage day to day. How dare you imply that you're somehow superior to me because you earn more money.

People from all walks of life can post about their problems, of course they can, but (as per one of my previous posts) they don't need to put actual wealth into their posts unless vital to understanding that post. It just seems vulgar to actually name salaries that high and rubbing other people's noses in it.

OP's problem is her DH who is a dick. That would be the same if they earned £20k a year or £200k. So there was no need to mention the actual figures. It very much screams of 'my diamond shoes are too tight'. Especially when a lot of people are affected by the COL crisis and can't even feed their family. The OP has options...a lot of us don't.

Well said @MyGhastIsFlabbered

I think just stating "My DH earns 5x my salary" would have sufficed.

I think you should find some way that you need to take a couple of days / week business trip so that he has to do the lions share of the household chores, and see if he realises what’s involved…. Or do actually go part time if that’s something that appeals to you (appreciate it’s not for everyone)

Well done on your massive salary. Tell him to stop being a wanker. But we really don't need to know about your nanny, dog walker, exact amount of income. Money isn't everything, as your post shows.

Achievement is not/should not be measured just in monetary terms. The difference in wage structures between jobs is vast and not of your doing. Why not just pool your resources, accept and enjoy your life? Do feel this is also about your self esteem or lack of it. Look at all the positives you have and talk to each other, don't confront each other.

Five times 116,319 is 581,595. What part of 6 figures is this not. Have you not read the post. Or can you not do maths ? 🤦‍♀️

To me this looks like an issue with your self esteem.
My husband always earnt 4 x more than me until recently.

I also felt that my husband assumed I’d pick up everything else as he was earning more than me but now that I’m earning more we are more equal in what we do. If my husband was earning that much I would be outsourcing a lot.

Im a high earner too and like to cook and sort out the kids activities. I do not see this as beneath me or a woman’s job. I’ve got kids and I don’t want to outsource everything.

Given his job involves travel and he’s away a lot it sounds like a typical man that’s consumed with his high level job and can’t focus on anything else. In this instance where the sitter was sick had he been away travelling that week?

I wouldn’t expect any actual physical help from him but I would financially as I’d imagine that at his level of pay he would be used to outsourcing/managing others rather than doing anything himself so it’s pointless asking him for physical help. A lot of high income earners prefer to outsource everything rather than do it themselves as they see their time spent more valuable being used for work than doing menial tasks. It’s one of those things that you have to accept being married to someone like that. I’m sure lots will disagree with me but I know a few men who are on large pay packets and they don’t do the doing. It’s all outsourced.

I also think you need to stop comparing your salary to his. You say you’ll never earn more than him. It’s not a competition. You are in a partnership. Just leverage your shared income to make life easier for both of you. Your achievements is not based on income alone. I feel like I’ve achieved a much more varied career than my partner. He just happens to work in a sector that pays really well and mine pays ok.

Ohhh. Boo hoo OP. I'm sure you can dry your tears on your £50 notes

You've addressed this to the wrong person.

As you've just applauded this pp for what she's said, I'd like to make it clear that she was directing her ire at the wrong person. I think there's been a misunderstanding of who said what and when. I didn't say any of the stuff @MyGhastIsFlabbered was talking about.

I'm proud of myself and my salary. I'm proud of the way I don't whine like a little baby about it. Tell your husband to fuck off, or don't but don't pretend to cry about your massive wage in some form of stealth boast.

@ruethewhirl apologies. I did wonder if I'd quoted the wrong person but then got caught up with kids and forgot to check. But my point still stands to whomever actually said what I wrongly accused you of saying

You've got a rock on your shoulder the size of Great Britain. Some people are high earners, others aren't, get over it. Your jealousy shines out even though you say you're proud of your salary.
Having a high income doesn't make you immune to problems, OP clearly has problems with her husband's attitude and his view of her and their relationship, irrespective of how much her income is.
It was necessary for the OP to state her income, not as a boast, although why shouldn't she be proud to be a high earner, but to illustrate her husband's attitude despite the fact that she herself is a high earner, plus to show that money is no object if there were things that money could be used for to help the situation.
It would be a completely different scenario if the OP earned £10k and husband earned £50k.

Thanks, and I agree. There's been some quite tone-deaf posting on this thread.

It was not at all evident that you were using sarcasm. Indeed you suggested he "should be earning 6 figures". He is earning 6 figures.

It's worse than that.

OP salary £116319
DH x 5 £581595
_
TOTAL £697914

So, in round figures, £700k

However, agree there should be a whip-around, so they don't fall below the Poverty Line :(

My DH earned about 20 times what I did. He was a lawyer and I worked in publishing. But I had good achievements - won a couple awards for my designs. He couldn't do what I did.
But he never made me feel less than because I didn't earn as much - I could have been the most successful and senior designer in my firm and would get no where near his earnings. But money is only one marker of success.
I hope you both get outside help with running the house.

You've got a rock on your shoulder the size of Great Britain. Some people are high earners, others aren't, get over it. Your jealousy shines out even though you say you're proud of your salary.

@ThoroughlyModernNotMillie

Am I envious of a >100k salary?! You bet your bum I am! Jealous? No! I earn about 50k a year and my husband slightly more! We live in South Yorkshire where cost of living isn't high and we've paid our mortgage off, we're doing very well.

The issue isn't her money! We don't need to know about how much she earns, she simply needs to tell people that she's feeling belittled and her husband treats her like a skivvy. She only has to read the room to know how privileged she is wage wise even on her own wage.

Oh lovey, your husband is a horrible person. A bit like my first husband. We divorced for a reason. Funny thing is we bothe earned roughly the same and I was still made to feel his job was more important than mine. ( Think a job in uniforms) But somehow that made him more important than me as a person. My current husband, earns four times as much as me and you wouldn't once hear about it. To him it's our money. We plan together, save together, budget together. If he has to spend past the budget amount this month he will let me know , as I do our finances and forecasting. Not ask me for permission but let me know. He loves being a husband and father rather than having a wife and kids. Two different concepts. Xx

Absolutely love a humble brag post

People are struggling to heat their homes and put food on the table meanwhile you and your husband are having a who’s got the biggest pay packet competition

How lovely

It’s not the money but lack of respect. You work full time and have a second job at home running the household as it’s probably you that organises the nanny, dog walker etc.

you are not his maid. It sounds like you have a man child who wants his nanny to take care of him. Can you get a housekeeper as they will prep meals etc

With the heading out for a meal and childcare cancels then maybe he needs to take it in turns to stay home.

why not find someone who values you as a person rather than the help

This is clearly bait. Please remove the post admins

Is this some rule I don’t know about?! In my mid 30s I was on 5 figures… I’m now mid 40s and still am! Our total household income doesn’t even equal OP’s own earnings…

Both work FT, 3DCs.

If I earned even half of what OP does then as others have said I’d outsource as much housework/ mental load as I possible could!

Why? Just because you don't agree with it?
There are plenty of people who earn this kind of money, and they've as much right to post on MN as anyone else.

Anyway, it's not about the money.... it's about how little the OP's DH values her and her contribution to their lives. It could be 10k and 50k.... the numbers don't matter. His attitude stinks.

If this is true, this post makes me so sad. You clearly have very little self-worth. I make very little money compared to you, but my job matters. People value me and I value myself, my job provides me so much satisfaction.

people talk about outsourcing more, but I’d most likely reevaluate what is important to me, work-life balance. Your children are only young once and you won’t be able to outsource quality time with them..