Can never feel proud of myself as DH salary dwarfs mine

[user263758910]

I made £116,319 in 2024. Mid-30s, busy job, two primary aged DC.

DH earned 5x that. His success will always be greater than mine, and even as a high earner I feel like I am not good enough. I will never earn what he is earning.

Because of the large difference in salaries, he treats me like a part-timer, expecting me to do far more of the mental load and traditional gendered role at home.

My achievements are seldom recognised, because his are much greater.

Anyone else feel like this when they work full-time like their spouses but are the lower earner?

You must know that your job isn't lowly and that you are in the top 2% of earners with a salary over £100,000.

His atttitude is awful. If he earned £1million a year and you earned £500,000, I assume he would be equally dismissive of your contribution.

His behaviour would make me reconsider our marriage.

Absolutely!

I've always been the lower earner. And I've always been the time poorest lol. My husband has always earnt far more than me and has a much easier life. But tbh we're not in competition. We're a team. On the days I can only give 20% he will, or has to, give 80%. And vice versa.

If your DH is making you feel 💩 about the money you earn, the job that you do, or the weight that you're pulling...then it's not really about salaries is it.

And even if it really is about money and your marriage is perfect in every other respect, then value yourself more. Celebrate your own wage and what you bring. At one time I'd got my historically shit wage to actually a very very good one. And I worked bloody hard for it. It felt marvellous to tell myself that actually it was me that was paying our hefty mortgage. All little me. All on my own. I didn't think about what my husband earnt or could pay, I was congratulating myself (despite having a total joint account on everything!) Because that was massive for me at the time. That was what my wage equated to and I was proud of me, for me. I get on your wage, that's laughable, but massive to me.

If this is a true thread, you have a lot to learn about yourself OP.

I started as the higher earner, but I work for a non-profit. DH on the other hand now gets multiple bonuses each year bigger than my annual salary. I get the occasional joke from him, but no more than the jokes I make myself. He really does view us as a team and doesn’t treat me differently because of our earning disparity.

it’s a common refrain on this board, but you have a DH problem.

If you “can never feel proud of yourself” then you need some therapy.

I’m similar age to you, and earn £84, 819 less than you. I feel proud of myself, my worth as a person has nothing to do with what I earn.

If it did then Bezos, Musk and Zuckerberg would be incredibly worthwhile people.

I can't imagine being the lower earner, but I also can't imagine treating someone earning less than me like shit.

God only knows how he talks to/thinks of your cleaner etc.

This!

I don’t actually believe a word of this😂

I have always related to a saying that my mum used to tell me -
"Do a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life".
If your OH is only centred on his huge salary then he is a sad bugger - job satisfaction trumps all IMO.
If you like your work then stand proud and take no notice of his jibes.

Must be really hard having all that money. Heart bleeds.

@user263758910 Dump him, he can make his own dinner then. I couldn’t live with a man with an ego like that.

*sniff sniff….

Whats that smell? It’s familiar, can’t quite put my finger on it

Oh! Hang on! It’s BS 🤣 it’s been about 2 days since I last smelt it on mumsnet, almost didn’t recognise it

During our marriage, there have been times DH has been the main breadwinner, and times I have. We've both taken sabbaticals at work and the other has supported. We worked together as a team towards common goals. It was not a competition with status going up and down related to the amount in the paycheque. That's not love, that's a business relationship. OP, seriously, the more I think about this, the more annoyed I am getting on your behalf. If you husband values money more than the love and companionship of his wife, he's an idiot.

Yup!

My DH earns 7 x my salary. We are a partnership. I am so proud of him and i take up the home slack to support him as he is so busy and his job and work have been life changing for our family because he is a high earner. His financial contribution means we have choices and a good future and the opportunity for a different life. I am really grateful to him and appreciative. Just saying OP

Look I am a tenured academic in the US in the humanities at a very good R1 university. I earn around 135K. (This will seem crazy to UK humanities academics who earn 40-50K when they make senior lecturer at top Universities).
My husband is a physician and a scientist. He earns 4 times my salary.

Not for a SINGLE day has he made me feel inferior or less valued. He made career sacrifices so I could progress faster. And he would never ever suggest that he should not be an equal parent and husband because of how much he earns.

As someone said your problem is not that you don’t earn enough. Your problem is that, I am sorry to say your DH is an odious man who doesn’t respect you. You don’t need to earn more. You need to be free of him!

Regardless of what your husband thinks, why aren’t you and your friends and family (and everyone else in your life) celebrating your achievements? Celebrate yourself, hype yourself up!

And have a constructive genuine deep conversation with your husband about the equal value of your time, shared domestic and leisure time, regardless of income.

I agree with @Changingname1988 that therapy is called for here because measuring anyone, yourself or others, purely in terms of £ earned is not healthy.

Edited to add: if the thread isn't BS in the first place.

OP's husband is a dick, but the money that pays those lifesaving surgeons and inspiring teachers and essential carers comes from those high-paid people who move money around more than it comes from anyone else.

People's worth isn't measured by their salary, but everyone doing a productive job is contributing to society.

I earn about the same as you, and yes, I cook meals (I share this with my partner, who earns £80k). I think there are two things at play here: 1) you are both high earners, likely with big jobs, but you should both still be doing some basic life admin, and 2) the differential in earnings. Yes, I would expect him to do less admin, housework, etc. than you while earning > £500k a year.

@Cerealkiller4U and @Rickrolypoly
I'm always curious about posts like yours.
Do you genuinely believe there's no one out there earning those salaries?

That's amazing. Our full profs in humanities at a post 92 earn 70K-80K. Wowzers. I had a chair and was on 75K when I retired, and I have a science degree. I'll remember that the next time my university asks me for favours as an emerita.

And I am not ‘grateful’ to my husband. What is this nonsense? Never assume that people who earn more work longer hours.
I come from India- some of the people who work the longest hours in India are the poorest and earn the very least.
In the US many of my husband’s patients work 2-3 jobs working crazy hours and shifts and earn a small fraction of what we do.

On that money between the pair of you, nobody should 'have to' be doing a load of housework etc. too. You don't have time/energy for that and you can pay someone else to do it.

Tell him that's what you want. I would.