Can never feel proud of myself as DH salary dwarfs mine

[user263758910]

I made £116,319 in 2024. Mid-30s, busy job, two primary aged DC.

DH earned 5x that. His success will always be greater than mine, and even as a high earner I feel like I am not good enough. I will never earn what he is earning.

Because of the large difference in salaries, he treats me like a part-timer, expecting me to do far more of the mental load and traditional gendered role at home.

My achievements are seldom recognised, because his are much greater.

Anyone else feel like this when they work full-time like their spouses but are the lower earner?

On the very slim chance that this is real, then I don't understand why you have any problems at all. With that kind of money you can hire someone to cook for you if you don't want to cook.

But also, money isn't the measure of achievement.

The old adage of 'money doesn't buy you happiness'!
I only take home 1600ish (30 hours) whilst OH is triple. However my job has huge job satisfaction and I feel I'm doing a good service for vulnerable people whereas his is where they have more money than sense.

Well the OP’s dh clearly sees an issue.
And only respect people who earn a similar wage than him.

Reality is that no amount of money can compensate fir disrespect and contempt.

Sounds like he's a dick and you can afford to leave him.

If he diminishes your work, then stop working. If he makes so much then he should be able to afford for you to be a stay at home wife. Then you can properly manage the home and carry the mental load. Otherwise he needs to help out too. 6 figures even in the low end is a dream salary for most people and impossible for many. Congrats on being a high earner!

two things

1. get some therapy to help you with your shit self esteem.

2. Go see a lawyer to make sure that you have all the info so that if you wanted to leave your DH (coz he is a prick) then you can.

good luck !

edited for clarity and spelling

@MyNewLife2025

Maybe she'll disclose , but I'd still respect a good nurse or the overall profession more , because of how little learn they earn for what they do - more so.

So nope, not weird for me.

Also she's a fake poster imho

Leave him and cash in on the child maintenance. No idea what the amount would be but probably more than I earn as a midwife (wish I am immensely proud to be).

My last post disappeared so apologies if this posts twice.

Nice stealth boast there. DH earns about 3 times my salary but between us we earn about half of your salary alone.

I bet your DH comes from a very privileged background and can't comprehend how some people earn a pittance. If he's some sort of hedge fund manager then sorry I have zero respect for him regardless of how much he earns.

My husband earns 6x my salary. But he finds his job unfulfilling, stressful and a bit pointless! I teach part time in a difficult school and feel successful every day making a difference to my children. When I didn’t work and was at home with the kids I felt successful when one of them mastered something new etc etc. If it all came down to salary I’d never be as successful as most people my age and with my level of education!

What if I’m an awful nurse? 😜

Op could have a really amazingly worthwhile job (she might be a neurosurgeon, a teacher, a refuse collector or a farmer, who knows Obviously the salary doesn’t reflect some of these options) but a rubbish disrespectful husband and poor self confidence and self worth.

Please don't allow anyone to make you feel like your self-worth is how much someone is willing to pay you. That's really sad

Please ensure your kids are not raised with your DH values, raise them to believe that a person should be proud of being a good person, a kind person, thinking of others and people in their community as well as themselves.
Teach them self pride comes from being a person who builds people up, not someone who knocks others down to make themselves feel better.
To have manners and being courteous also far outweigh how much someone is willing to put in your bank every month.

Having big salary is not equal to being a good human (looking at you Elon).

Being a good human is the best we can ever do.

Strongly agree with @runbikestop, you have a two part problem with two separate solutions:

1. Your worth as a person, partner, parent, daughter, friend, volunteer, or community member is not measured in GBP. You should work on your self worth and the things that "define" you or "add value". If I died tomorrow no one would miss my income, but I hope to fuck that they'll miss my company.
2. Your husband is a shallow and unkind person who demeans your value as a partner and a parent. If he can't treat you as the solid gold, irreplaceable, foundation rock of your family unit, as opposed to an economic sum, you may wish to reconsider your marriage.

As a side note, many divorced mums on here will tell you how their ex suddenly realised just how much effort it takes to raise kids when they were suddenly responsible for 50% of the actual work.

In my opinion, if you are married with kids, it's not a 5:1 salary split, it's a 600k household. He should get on board or fuck off.

I mean, I don't know what to say? Imagine earning that little?
It just be so tricky.

You have the means to leave if you want to. So you have choices.

What a problem to have tbh felt cross reading this, lots of us manage with less than half your salary as a whole family income. It your fed up with cooking etc get yourself a housekeeper who could have something in the oven or slow cooker ready and do cleaning ironing etc

Lowly? Come on op. You both need to get in the real world. Why would you even take any notice of him? If it is genuinely a problem you should be looking at your future together.

Nah. That's BS. Get some meal boxes/delivery service. Tell him he can cook 1-2x a week. You aren't a skivvy. He is supposed to love and value you, for you, not for how much bank you make. I cannot believe he is telling you that you are lesser because of salary.

If he treats you badly, leave him. Give him the kids to take care of too, as he can hire a full time nanny. You'll be free of this nonsense.

Well feel free to compare yourself to the rest of the country/World and I'm sure you can feel better about yourself.

Something very wrong and sad with your relationship and your sense of self worth.

I'll never earn the same as my DH, even though both our salaries are less than yours/your DHs, there is still a big gap between us. He would never think i am somehow lesser and I'd never see that in myself, but then neither of us see our values only in money.

My DH choosing a better paid industry and bring specialised in it doesn't equate to him being better than me, and he'd say the same.

This is a marriage issue not a money issue. Do you honestly think if he was made redundant tomorrow and ended up on less money than you that he would suddenly be cooking more? You say your achievements are not recognised but they absolutely are in a whopping 6 figure salary.

It sounds like you both value yourselves, each other and others in monetary terms. Your feeling of inadequacy and his feeling of superiority come from this. You need to talk this through with him, divide household tasks equally and outsource more if you can. Sadly most women bear the brunt of admin work when it comes to the kids so in some ways your position is no different to so many other women.

Classic case of money can’t by class or in the case of your husband, a decent personality. I’d divorce him, get as much as I was entitled to from his big important man salary and live happily ever after without an arsehole with an ego spoiling my nice life.

That's a slightly odd way of looking at a marriage.

His success is your success and vice versa.

You are a team.

You should be proud of him and he should be proud of you. If either of you doesn't feel like the other one really appreciates them then that's something that requires work.

Why is salary the measure for success? You earned a very good wage in presumably a responsible and stressful job whilst being the default parent and home-maker. Sounds like an achievement to me. Possibly a bigger one than earning shedloads of money whilst someone else takes on your share of the responsibility for housework and raising children.

Your issue isn't a lack of achievement, it's a lack of respect within your relationship, which is unlikely to change no matter what you earn.

What a pointless waste of stress but if you're genuinely bothered by it talk to him and tell him to stop being a knob. When parents are both in the home they should both do equal child care, and he can sort his families stuff and you yours.
My husband would come home from work and do as much with the children as I did. We'd also tag team, one cook, one bath but as more kids came along we both had our tasks.