In laws left and said not to visit with grandkids for forseeable

[Isitjustme20]

Feeling a bit upset. In laws came down for Xmas and we have a 3 and a 2 year old. To be completely honest, the kids were a nightmare the whole time and overwhelmed and didn’t sleep well. In laws left and said that they will do video calls in future and won’t be visiting until they are better. I feel awful and I do understand because they were really badly behaved the whole time and we try our best but they’re kids and it’s Xmas but equally feel bad for the children as they love seeing them. Is there any way of compromise that people can think of? Thanks

Did they do anything to help you with their behaviour, playing with them, taking them out etc?

No words 😭 how horrid!
I'd tell my ILs to f...k right off if they did this!

@Isitjustme20 Hey you won the war without using your tongue!!! dont fret!

The compromise is to do short visits that your children CAN handle for now. And to parent them actively so they grow up well socialised and able to behave themselves.

That's the only way. Two with a close gap is hard, but put in the hard work for a year or so now and you'll reap the rewards for a lifetime.

I can get both sides, but it will get better as the children get older. Young ones can be really noisy. Commiserations.

No they didn’t, they are in their 70s and like to sit and rest and let the kids come to the sofa to sit with them

Can't they stay in a hotel another time? At least you don't have to host them then either!

Probably for the best. Your kids are at a difficult age and the GPs are getting too old to have patience with them. Sure, it's pretty harsh but no point trying to impose a relationship that will just be stressful for all of you.

To be honest I'd be say thank God I didn't have to have two such judgemental people in my life for a while.

My expectations of behaviour for a 2 and 3 year old at Christmas are pretty low. If it was my grandchildren I'd have been take each of them out for some fresh air and doing what I could to take the load of the parents. Yours are at an age loads of children don't cope with the change of routine and can't manage excitement. Be kinder to yourself.

Honestly! How unsupportive. I would reply 'the feeling is mutual, get in touch when you have matured'. Up to your partner I guess.

Sounds as if DGP have made a sensible decision based on their reaction to a quite noisy environment. No one is right or wrong here, they just can’t cope with your children’s exuberance,,so they have worked out a way to stay in touch without getting a headache or being exhausted.

Why would you be upset?
Sounds like it’s their problem

2 and 3 year olds even on good days are a pain in the ass if your not used to small kids. Loud, grumpy, overtired.

The grandparents could have offered to play with kids or take outside for a walk. Or at least see that you have it hard and then be patient. They gave up, they lose out on relationships with them.

Young children can be overwhelming for older people, especially when their behaviour is challenging. Don’t take it too personally, just see it as reflective of what people in their 70’s can cope with.

It doesn't sound like they have very realistic expectations for children this age. At 2 and 3 they need plenty of exercise and outdoor time. There is only so much sitting calmly on the sofa you can expect.

I'd stick to shorter visits.

How upsetting and judgemental.
One thing to say they will keep visits shorter but to just go with video calls is a massive difference and a huge impact on their relationship with their grandkids.
Sometimes small kids are a nightmare, it can't always be helped and they don't seem to remember that.
My kids have frequently disrupted family visits and occasions with the worst behaviour and my parents keep coming, bless them.

No they didn’t, they are in their 70s and like to sit and rest and let the kids come to the sofa to sit with them

Sounds probably for the best then. My DF was still playing football in the garden with the DGC at 82.

I don’t think the GP are judging. Just acknowledging what they can cope with.

It has been perhaps phrased poorly but I understand their point.

I'm not 40 yet but well out of the 'little kids' phase, whilst. I could deal with DD and her friends squealing etc just fine when smaller now I'm out of the trenches I find loud, silly children alot to cope with now and prefer them in small doses, they are ofcourse doing nothing wrong and are supposed to be silly. As it's just alot when you aren't used to them. Visits with GP to outdoor places like nice parks and zoos are the way forward where the children are entertained and not coped up and staying in a Premier Inn to escape and have your own space is key.

That's pretty shit of them. 2-3 is a difficult age. Lots of energy but not much reason.. and to have two close in age must be hard. Very sad they have chosen not to see them at all..
I'd be cross but for the children's sake I'd perhaps arrange some meetings where the children can play.. in pubs with little playgrounds for example. So no ones house is getting trashed and your parents can sit there whilst the kids play on the equipment.
I do think it's shite of them tho. My mum isn't the best person in the world but she has all 3 of mine round her flat, and she's in a wheelchair!! And I have a toddler
So it's quite full on but she tolerates it gor a few hours because she loves her grandchildren.
So I can't understand this.

I bet you spent Christmas on tenterhooks, trying to prevent your kids from annoying your in laws. They sound pretty unpleasant people, so perhaps this is a good thing.

Your PIL have already offered you a compromise. They are in their 70s, badly behaved toddlers are too much for them they've told you they will do video calls instead, what's wrong with that?

76 year old MIL died this year, health went downhill over the year before but she couldn't cope with little ones for more than a couple of hours even when they weren't badly behaved before that. Quiet screen orientated grandchildren were the only ones she coped with overnight.

why compromise? I get that the kids are at a hard work age and the grandies are old but they (grand parents) can still be polite!

Well, 70s is not old and they should be perfectly capable of mucking in and helping in every way, including with the children. I am 70s and have just spent Christmas at DDs mucking in with washing up, laying tables, peeling spuds, amusing GC.

And if I had had a visit where the children had played up (or perhaps simply been acting their age in an exciting situation) I would have heaved a sigh of relief and put my feet up when I got home but would certainly not have been issuing ultimata about when I might choose to see them/not see them again. Most grandparents understand that small children can get over-excited.

I'm a granny in my 70s and I can't imagine being an onlooker to toddlers being a pita without helping out! Of course they could have offered support with the children, they're not disabled or have chronic illnesses are they?

I understand the need to sit and rest but not the whole time! They sound selfish and rude to me so maybe you're better off without their visits.

I wouldn’t be video calling them.