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Original poster

In laws left and said not to visit with grandkids for forseeable

345 replies

Isitjustme20 · 28/12/2024 13:57

Feeling a bit upset. In laws came down for Xmas and we have a 3 and a 2 year old. To be completely honest, the kids were a nightmare the whole time and overwhelmed and didn’t sleep well. In laws left and said that they will do video calls in future and won’t be visiting until they are better. I feel awful and I do understand because they were really badly behaved the whole time and we try our best but they’re kids and it’s Xmas but equally feel bad for the children as they love seeing them. Is there any way of compromise that people can think of? Thanks

OP posts:
TooManyChristmasCards · 28/12/2024 15:03

Ladybyrd · 28/12/2024 15:00

*I agree. Two and three year olds can be a lot. Certainly to someone who isnt their parent.

did you leave the house enough? Go for walks and get fresh air? Keep the children to their meal times? My son as a toddler / preschool was a nightmare is he was hungry. A different child twenty mins later when fed. We have also never allowed them to get up ridiculously early at Christmas. 7am is absolute earliest for leaving bedrooms. Back to bed until then. Don't abandon all routine as this will lead to carnage.*

It's Christmas and OP had guests staying - of course the routine will be disrupted. On top of cooking and entertaining visitors, decorating the house, wrapping gifts and all the hours and days of work that goes into Christmas, alongside taking care of the kids, I imagine her day was already quite full without long walks in the countryside.

sorry but when you have kids, surely that's the priority?

You have a dog, you don't stop the walks and runs when you have visitors, you usually increase them to make sure they behave. Why would anyone treat their kids worst than they treat an animal?

No one is doing ALL of Christmas, decorating, wrapping, hosting on the same day 😂

Getting out of the house for a few hours is necessary, just as much for the parents as the kids! No need to make life more stressful than necessary, being a mum doesn't mean being a martyr.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 28/12/2024 15:04

I'd be tempted to say 'no worries' and only be available for video calling when it suits you. Kids at Christmas are nightmares, especially at that age, lack of sleep and excitement is to be expected.

I presume you cooked dinner, paid for the food and snacks etc. washed up and were generally good hosts? I also presume they've not complained about being waited on either?

Porcuporpoise · 28/12/2024 15:05

Isitjustme20 · 28/12/2024 14:35

my youngest was crying and whining most the day because she was tired, I walked round the house with her most the day to try and placate her, my eldest was whining for a lot of it and pinching me so I kept telling her to go in time out and they would fight at times so it was constant telling them off and separating them, so tiring so I can see why they are knackered because I’m shattered too from it, now they’ve gone their behaviour has gone back to their normal

Tbf that sounds utterly grim (for all of you). It is however a phase. In your place I'd swerve Christmas visits for a few years and maybe try visiting them or meeting halfway in spring/summer when outdoor play is an option. Meanwhile, with a 4 hour journey between you, zoom's not a bad idea.

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notomato · 28/12/2024 15:06

Isitjustme20 · 28/12/2024 14:35

my youngest was crying and whining most the day because she was tired, I walked round the house with her most the day to try and placate her, my eldest was whining for a lot of it and pinching me so I kept telling her to go in time out and they would fight at times so it was constant telling them off and separating them, so tiring so I can see why they are knackered because I’m shattered too from it, now they’ve gone their behaviour has gone back to their normal

Your in laws clearly don't have realistic expectations of toddler behaviour. Their loss, just let your partner deal with them from now on. I wouldn't be putting very young, tired children in time out though, it just escalates things at an age where they don't understand consequences.

Ladybyrd · 28/12/2024 15:06

JustWalkingTheDogs · 28/12/2024 15:04

I'd be tempted to say 'no worries' and only be available for video calling when it suits you. Kids at Christmas are nightmares, especially at that age, lack of sleep and excitement is to be expected.

I presume you cooked dinner, paid for the food and snacks etc. washed up and were generally good hosts? I also presume they've not complained about being waited on either?

Yes. I do hope their comments were accompanied by a "thank you for your hospitality". In fact, that's all a polite guest would say.

Addictforanex · 28/12/2024 15:08

2/3 year olds can be hard work to be around if that’s not your norm, and you said yourself they weren’t well behaved. Sounds like they have had a knee jerk reaction, when they should have given it more thought and reflected after a few days/ weeks. Love my nieces but they visited on Boxing Day and I was glad when they left. The squealing!!!! But if I had messaged my sister and said I will only do video calls until they grow up a bit I would fully expect her to tell me to F off and she probably wouldn’t have spoken to me again.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2024 15:08

You can really tell which posters had biddable children. Grin

Just so you know, it wasn't your stellar parenting.

OAPapparently · 28/12/2024 15:11

I wouldn’t let it bother you. Your in-laws were in your home being entertained. They obviously didn’t enjoy it and don’t want to come back. For many people that would be a win! I would take them at their word and only do video calls when it’s convenient to you. They won’t be able to complain as the years roll by and your kids don’t really know who they are and don’t want to spend time with them.

ThriveIn2025 · 28/12/2024 15:12

Completely understand why this feels like a punch to the gut. I’ve had similar from family because my youngest has SEN and they can’t handle the noise or the energy levels (even for short visits). I do loads of work to minimise the disruption to my child’s routine, give them plenty of exercise before we see family, plenty of activities to keep them busy while we are there and as a last resort, time on the tablet to keep them as quiet as I can. Despite all this, my family obviously don’t want to spend time with us and seem to see my child’s behaviour as some sort of reflection of my parenting (given some of their comments).

Although it hurt a lot at first I’m now glad I don’t have to face their criticism and unpleasant comments. Not having a relationship with my child is their loss at the end of the day.

DorothyStorm · 28/12/2024 15:12

Ladybyrd · 28/12/2024 15:00

*I agree. Two and three year olds can be a lot. Certainly to someone who isnt their parent.

did you leave the house enough? Go for walks and get fresh air? Keep the children to their meal times? My son as a toddler / preschool was a nightmare is he was hungry. A different child twenty mins later when fed. We have also never allowed them to get up ridiculously early at Christmas. 7am is absolute earliest for leaving bedrooms. Back to bed until then. Don't abandon all routine as this will lead to carnage.*

It's Christmas and OP had guests staying - of course the routine will be disrupted. On top of cooking and entertaining visitors, decorating the house, wrapping gifts and all the hours and days of work that goes into Christmas, alongside taking care of the kids, I imagine her day was already quite full without long walks in the countryside.

That’s not all on one day. And presumably since these are her inlaws, her dh is also there with her. Someone could have taken the children outside.

of course routines are disrupted, which is why not abandoning them completely is important. Meal times are make or break for toddlers. As is bedtime. Again, with two parents in the house, someone could feed the children at their normal time. Someone could have put them down. Not necessarily the op.

prevention of having an impossible day is far easier than managing tired, bored and hungry toddlers.

which leads me to wonder how useless her husband is…

@Isitjustme20 What role did your husband have in the running of the days / nights?

an adults nice, relaxing day with little structure is a recipe for disaster with small children.

Onceuponatime9 · 28/12/2024 15:14

They don't help with the children & want to sit on the couch & have them come over to sit with them. How lazy & boring unless of course they are ill or disabled. There are men & women in their 70s in our local running club still doing marathons.

DorothyStorm · 28/12/2024 15:14

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2024 15:08

You can really tell which posters had biddable children. Grin

Just so you know, it wasn't your stellar parenting.

This is such nonsense. Are you seriously saying parenting has no effect on small NT children?

WhatColourIsThatBalloon · 28/12/2024 15:15

hattie43 · 28/12/2024 15:02

There's too much of an age gap , I'd expect grandparents of 2/3 yrs olds to be 50's or 60's not 70's . I imagine you want peace and quiet at that time of life and boisterous children just don't fit in with that

Not sure why you’d expect that grandparents would be in their 50s/60s these days… most grandparents I know of kids this age are late 60s/70s. People are having kids older.

Catlover1705 · 28/12/2024 15:15

They're being a bit dramatic but as a younger grandparent, I can understand it's more tiring in your 70's. I think short visits will be best for now.

TinaCx · 28/12/2024 15:15

Isitjustme20 · 28/12/2024 13:57

Feeling a bit upset. In laws came down for Xmas and we have a 3 and a 2 year old. To be completely honest, the kids were a nightmare the whole time and overwhelmed and didn’t sleep well. In laws left and said that they will do video calls in future and won’t be visiting until they are better. I feel awful and I do understand because they were really badly behaved the whole time and we try our best but they’re kids and it’s Xmas but equally feel bad for the children as they love seeing them. Is there any way of compromise that people can think of? Thanks

I would arrange with the in-laws to meet elsewhere like a park, or a nice walk to with the children, give them fresh air and exercise as well as seeing their grandparents and vise versa. Sometimes when you have grown up children you lose your ability to cope with the chaos that young children can bring, especially if they've been without young children for a long time.

magicalmrmistoffelees · 28/12/2024 15:16

WhatColourIsThatBalloon · 28/12/2024 15:15

Not sure why you’d expect that grandparents would be in their 50s/60s these days… most grandparents I know of kids this age are late 60s/70s. People are having kids older.

Show quote history

My 75 year old MIL has just had a brand new granddaughter, I didn’t think she was particularly old for that to happen!

Illinoise · 28/12/2024 15:18

I feel for you Op, my parents are useless and couldn’t care less about my kids and it makes me so sad. I’m jealous of my friends who’ve got really involved grandparents, it adds so much to a kid’s life.

It’s their loss, I’d just really cut back on contact, I also wouldn’t start seeing when the kids are bigger. I wouldn’t reward this shitty behaviour. You need their help, love and support now, not at a time when it’s easier and convenient for them. I know plenty of very involved g-parents in their 70s, playing hide and seek or colouring with kids isn’t that taxing.

MummyJ36 · 28/12/2024 15:20

I wouldn’t fight it OP. Just go “ok then” and don’t instigate anything but video calls for the foreseeable. To be honest I’m not sure what they expected from a 2 and 3 year old at Christmas. If they want to make a big show of not seeing them until they’re older let them crack on with it.

notacooldad · 28/12/2024 15:21

There are men & women in their 70s in our local running club still doing marathons
How is that relevant?
I know plenty of people that were dead by their 70's, I know plenty with complex health issues, some in residential care and some that are fit and well and spend time cycling and walking.

TenLittleLadybirds · 28/12/2024 15:23

For what it’s worth, my 3 year old had a few blips (🫠) in his behaviour this week , unfortunately all in front of various in-laws. I think some of them are happy not to see us for a few months.
As others have said though, I wouldn’t bother video calling. 70s is young enough (in my opinion) unless there are health issues to be able to engage with young kids

TooManyChristmasCards · 28/12/2024 15:23

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/12/2024 15:08

You can really tell which posters had biddable children. Grin

Just so you know, it wasn't your stellar parenting.

hahaha

nice goady try 😉

heartbroken22 · 28/12/2024 15:23

Badly behaved? They're toddlers for crying out loud. What more can u expect.

TwinkleLights24 · 28/12/2024 15:24

I wouldn’t be making any contact. Your kids are very young and Christmas is overwhelming.

MintyFreshest · 28/12/2024 15:24

My Dad is very intolerant of rambunctious little kids. He just cannot cope with the noise. He told my son to shut up a couple of times when he was little. I pulled him up on it and then pulled back massively and saw him infrequently for about 5 years.

He's fine now that my son is 10 but due to being absent for the younger years, my son is now pretty 'meh' about him! Which is probably what will end up happening with your kids.

Oh and I agree the video calling is a shit idea because no doubt they will have unrealistic expectations and expect your kids to sit there calmly and have a chat for half an hour 🙄

Camembertcufflinks · 28/12/2024 15:25

Don't take it to heart OP. Definitely a 'them' as in the grandparents problem. You can be a textbook perfect parent but if the toddler doesn't want to cooperate they bloomin well won't! 2-3 year olds (and let's face it, just kids) can be nightmares at times, but it's just children. Mine can be perfect angels one moment and morph into the opposite on a whim. I would enjoy the reprieve from adults who ought to know better. But appreciate it hits you where it hurts when people come out with such judgemental nonsense.