In laws left and said not to visit with grandkids for forseeable

[Isitjustme20]

Feeling a bit upset. In laws came down for Xmas and we have a 3 and a 2 year old. To be completely honest, the kids were a nightmare the whole time and overwhelmed and didn’t sleep well. In laws left and said that they will do video calls in future and won’t be visiting until they are better. I feel awful and I do understand because they were really badly behaved the whole time and we try our best but they’re kids and it’s Xmas but equally feel bad for the children as they love seeing them. Is there any way of compromise that people can think of? Thanks

Sounds tiring but not particularly horrendous. I was picturing your DC jumping all over them and throwing food 🤣

They could stay in a hotel when they come down(or vice versa) so that it is less full on. Going straight to the option of video calls only is so cold and sounds like they aren’t that interested in the dc having a relationship with them.Imagine giving up the chance to have toddler cuddles and playing games and reading to them, bringing them out for ice cream or whatever.

Don't bother with them then let your husband do what he wants with his parents.

eh, their loss really. FaceTime them at Easter for 5 minutes, and don’t worry about them. They really may not want to spend time with your kids. Not all grandparents do. Nothing to do with you, but with them.

I'd be tempted to do a passive aggressive response along the lines of 'fair enough, toddlers are alot of work and given you are unable to help out it's probably for the best'. Might not be the most mature response 😉

What is awful about this is rather than admit that they find toddlers normal behaviour difficult and too much and they just want to sit quietly they have managed to make it all about how you have failed to control their behaviour when this isn’t your fault

they are just not interested in being grandparents and that is their choice.

I imagine they just found it all too much. There's no way my parents could cope with little ones for more than an hour or two. Short visits / Skype / phone calls until they're older. Perhaps they could stay in a B and B when they visit so they can get some quiet?

Their loss

Old people have very short memories as to how difficult children of that age can be.

my mum has made comments about my 3 year olds behaviour before and it really upsets me.

get your husband to take it up with them, it’s only their loss if they don’t see your kids growing up.

my kids have been whining and shouting the whole of Christmas too.

"Probably for the best, I can understand that after such a long time it's easy to forget what small children are really like. With any luck when they're older and less active they'll still be interested in forming some sort of relationship with you."

And leave the judgemental rigid sods to it.

Just because you love your kids, you can't expect old people who aren't used to the bedlam to be as tolerant. My parents (in their 70s) would not cope with taking a 2 and 3 year old out 'to help'. It would kill them off and my Dad wouldn't have the patience. Would you be more upset if they weren't honest and then made excuses for the next 5 years why they couldn't' visit? You admit they behaved like brats (the kids, not the parents) but seem upset that don't want a repeat performance. I'm sure when they've been back home for a while they will mellow about it but right now they are probably worn out and can't face a repeat. Cut them some slack.

this is one of the downsides of parenting in later years. I should be a grandma by now - in olden days terms - but instead I have teens. Even I would balk at looking after a 2 and 3 yr old. I imagine at 70+ I'll balk at the idea. I think just respect their particular need and check in a month if they want a simple 30 minute visit.

To jump straight to video calls - is so rude in my opinion.

My children’s grandparents are in 70s-80s. My children are full on and there are 4 of them.
Their grandparents would never do this.

When we visit them - they do at times ask us when we are leaving - as they need a lie down. 😅

We give them space and time to recharge and then we arrange another visit.

You don’t just sack your grandchildren. Selfish behaviour.

Their loss

When ours were this age we used to meet grandparents half way at a park or National Trust type place and just let the kids run about. Cafe lunch so it wasn’t a long drawn out meal. We live nearer than 4 hours away though, trickier for you. I can understand both sides of the coin!

Their loss.

It sounds like the children and you were maybe stressed due to their uptightness, and the children reacted to that.

I had a judgy friend (notice past tense!). I'd only have to see her in the distance and I'd tense up and the children would turn feral. 🤣 They were fine the rest of the time.

Honestly, I think they've been mean to you. They could have dealt with it delicately without making you feel bad, and planned to stay in an airbnb and blame feeling tired. Ironically, they've rather behaved like toddlers themselves!

Are your parents around, @Isitjustme20? I've come to appreciate the importance of matching people's energies. In our family, one set of GPs lives just over an hour away yet visits approximately once or twice a year. The other lives thousands of miles away but makes a lot more effort. For years I've been running myself ragged trying to encourage a relationship with the nearest set, taking the kids down there every few weeks. Yet they'll come to our town and not even tell me they've been! It is very sad but I've come to realise it's their loss. I'm taking a big step back and if I were you, I think I'd probably do the same. Focus your time energies on the kids and if you do have extended family who are prepared to make the effort, those are the relationships I'd be focussing on in future. FaceTime my arse.

It is not 'normal' for toddlers to necessarily be terrorists. Some yes, others not. My kids were simply not difficult - and I say that without any smugness but rather a sense that I was lucky. To say the parents are not interested in being grandparents is equally intolerant. They are elderly people and excess noise is difficult for many to manage

They sound like sensible people, and they are honest. If even you admit the kids were a nightmare, it sounds like they were a nightmare!

Grand-parents are not asking you to do anything, they just explained they stay away. If they can't tell that to their son and DIL, who can they tell?

It sounds even more reasonable to prevent any request for babysitting or sleepovers that they know they could not handle.

Let's be honest, most people - family and friends -would think exactly the same but make excuses. It's a bit blunt, but I prefer when people are honest frankly. No one should have to put up with babies, toddlers and nightmare kids unless it's their own - and I say that as a mother.

😂😂😂😂

Yep this. I have an uncle in his late 70s, no kids and was so judgemental and unkind to my three year old (who to be fair is a handful) last time we saw him that I don't much want to see him with my child again. IMO if you can't have tolerance, patience and humour with children you shouldn't be around them. Fair enough if they don't want to see them now, but that will mean less chance of a relationship in the future. On their own heads be it.

They are your in laws let your husband/wife deal with his/her parents regarding visits, video calls, whatever else.
Totally normal toddler behaviour when their routine has been disrupted. Nothing to worry about.

It sounds like your kids are full on and grandparents find it's bit much. They will probably enjoy them in a couple years. I guess it feels like a reflection on your parenting but try not to take it to heart. In hindsight it might have been better to get the kids out the house if they were whiny. Do videos for a bit and they will miss them.

Sorry, they came to you for Christmas - so you presumably cooked ands served drinks and put them up overnight and provided all the in between snacks/entertainment/cups of tea. And they sat on the sofa and watched as their 2 and 3 yr old grandkids behaved like 2 and 3 yr olds and didn't help. And then sent a nasty flouncing message after they left?
OP, THEY are the ones who behaved awfully here.