In laws left and said not to visit with grandkids for forseeable

[Isitjustme20]

Feeling a bit upset. In laws came down for Xmas and we have a 3 and a 2 year old. To be completely honest, the kids were a nightmare the whole time and overwhelmed and didn’t sleep well. In laws left and said that they will do video calls in future and won’t be visiting until they are better. I feel awful and I do understand because they were really badly behaved the whole time and we try our best but they’re kids and it’s Xmas but equally feel bad for the children as they love seeing them. Is there any way of compromise that people can think of? Thanks

Yeah I sympathise with the grandparents. Just do the video calls and build up to smaller, less pressured face to face time. In a park or similar maybe to start.

With my parents, I've come to see the need to pull back and stop trying to compensate for their lack of interest in DC. Actually, I'm quite embarrassed about it. The pandemic was the ideal excuse for them and they've only visited a handful of times since - me doing all the running all the time. I've come to realise, I don't think they want it and it's time to stop.

One milestone moment was DM getting huffy about DD hiding from her and being shy. "She doesn't like me". Let alone liking her, she didn't have a clue who she was. Can't have it both ways.

Not generally, but if you're staying in a house with little ones, you should muck in where you can.

Personally with those ages of DC I'd rather not have visitors like that who expect you to stay in all day hosting them. Two and three year olds are hard enough without having to do that. Mine are older and I can count on one hand the days we've been in all day and it's not been absolutely awful.

I don't think that you can discipline children out of typical behaviour for their ages and kids that age need to be taken out for exercise.

If you are invited to stay for Christmas you should at least be able to expect some sort of accommodation or at least understanding of your needs No one should be inviting old people, or anyone else for that matter, for Christmas and then relying on them “mucking in”. Any help that emerges should be seen as a bonus not as a condition of the invitation. Far too many family interactions these days are seen as transactional. That isn’t how families should work.
i help out with my grandchildren because I want to do so. I hope I am invited to my children’s houses because they want me to be present not because of what I can do for them while I am there.

Well said!

Are there things you could do to provide more structure/routine to the children’s day.
I don’t blame the In-laws to be honest. If they were badly behaved and you weren’t able to control the situation, you wouldn’t see me for dust either.
It sounds like the children are ruling the house not the adults?

@GrannyRose15 . The reality is that most families with young children will rely on help to both host and care for the children simultaneously. Relatives who expect to be hosted without helping at all should maybe stay away until the kids are at an age where extensive care and supervision are not required.

Presumably the answer would have been for the adults to ignore their guests and go about their usual activities with the kids? My kids usually have a fairly structured day but I couldn't fit that around spending time with grandparents who don't want to do much and preparing Christmas dinner. Something has to give in that situation unless the visitors help.

I think those things are quite difficult to implement on Christmas Day, when you have guests in your house who are presumably expecting to be fed and looked after.

Could you give us some tips then please? Genuine request...

I had very well behaved toddlers. I don’t kid myself that it was down to my stellar parenting though, it was their personality.

I agree with your main point. However, people do age differently.

My mother was bedbound in a care home at the age of 70.
MiL is 79, and has just returned from a walking holiday in Costa Rica.

Meh, I'd be over the moon!

And maybe parents who can’t look after their own children while guests are in the house shouldn’t be inviting the guests in the first place. This situation hasn’t come out of the blue. OP must surely have known of her parents’ limitations.
And isn’t your last point exactly what the older folk have decided to do - stay away until the children are older. Yet they are getting slated for making a very sensible judgment call.

@GrannyRose15 . They can make that choice without announcing it petulantly to the OP. It's not a choice that needs public broadcast, just a polite decline the next time a meet-up is suggested.

To be honest, it sounds like GP were more petulant than the children. Diddums. Take care, see you next time, or not. Meh

Oh for goodness sake.
Maybe they got the tone wrong. Christmas is very stressful for everyone. Who could come on here and say they had never said anything the least bit tactless at Christmas? Do so and i wont believe you.
And that was what it was - a tactless remark, not a hanging offence.

What hyperbole. No one has suggested ‘hanging’ them. Just that they couldn’t be arsed facilitating FaceTime calls if they can’t be arsed visiting.

Accusing me of hyperbole! That's rich. Have you read the thread? You are obviously not familiar with English idioms. "Hanging offence" doesn't literally mean i want them hanged.
The hyperbole is taking the huff and saying you won't communicate with in-laws after they have quite reasonably suggested that the stay hasn't gone well and maybe they should do things differently for a little while.
The more i read on MN from entitled offspring the more sympathy i have for grandparents who can't seem to do right for doing wrong and never seem to live up to expectations.
Of course the OP is upset. Christmas has been a nightmare for her. We've all been there.
Isitjustme Try to put it behind you. You are understandably upset because you are exhausted. It will be better next year, providing you don't escalate the dispute with your in-laws.