In laws left and said not to visit with grandkids for forseeable

[Isitjustme20]

Feeling a bit upset. In laws came down for Xmas and we have a 3 and a 2 year old. To be completely honest, the kids were a nightmare the whole time and overwhelmed and didn’t sleep well. In laws left and said that they will do video calls in future and won’t be visiting until they are better. I feel awful and I do understand because they were really badly behaved the whole time and we try our best but they’re kids and it’s Xmas but equally feel bad for the children as they love seeing them. Is there any way of compromise that people can think of? Thanks

Meh, I'd be fine with that tbh. They don't sound as if they enjoy being around small children. Lots of people don't! Your dcs sound happier now they're gone too, so win-win I'd say.

I must admit I'm a bit shocked at how many posters are being extremely judgemental about the grandparents, when we don't know how long they actually stayed over, or how much time they normally spend with the GC's. The OP says herself that the kids were 'really badly behaved the whole time', so if she felt that, when she's used to being with them, it's hardly surprising the GP's found it too much. Also, maybe what they said was intended as a bit of a joke, but perhaps the OP didn't take it that way, because she too was feeling frazzled after all that had gone on.

So my questions OP, are, how often do the GP's see your little ones on a normal basis, and how long were they with you over Christmas? Also, are your kids normally well behaved for their age, or do you normally find them a bit of a handful?

If the GP's only normally see the kids for a couple of hours, once a month, but then stayed for 3 days over Christmas, then I can totally understand why they said what they did. OK it wasn't worded well, but then we all say things badly at times. On the other hand, if they see them twice a week for a whole day, and only spent 24 hours over Christmas, then yes, I would say they reacted badly.

Personally, I think this is something you actually need to have a chat with them about OP. Perhaps give them a call and ask them if they really meant what they said about only seeing the kids on video for the foreseeable, then see what they say. If they say yes, then perhaps point out that this will mean that they are likely to lose any closeness that they do have with the children, as little ones, really don't understand the concept of video, and won't want to sit still just to try and speak to Grandma/Grandpa. Then maybe acknowledge that the kids really weren't at their best over Christmas with all the excitement, and suggest that perhaps future visits are limited to an hour or two until the kids are a bit older, and less likely to get over excited. However, like I said earlier, it's really hard to judge this until we know the answers to my questions.

I'd let them bugger off home and then say "sadly we all hate video calls, they make us uncomfortable so we won't be doing them ". If their grandchildren aren't perfect enough for them to bother seeing them in person, then they can do without them. Their loss 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's understandable. Maybe just put more boundaries in for the kids. It's a tough age.

Actually I wouldn't be too hard on the In laws. They are in the 70s and the OP has said the kids were a nightmare.

It is pointless comparing some in laws who are fit and running around at 80 to other pensioners.
The age of the kids is physically and emotionally draining for parents who are used to the children's behaviour so it can be extremely difficult for older people who are not used to it.
Personally I would let it go, try to see it from their point of view, maybe face time and have shorter visits until the children are a bit older. This time of year emotions from everyone are heightened.
I'm not going to lie, I can't cope with extreme noise and restless children. I get headaches and can't concentrate on what I am talking about. Maybe the In laws are the same.

Why are you bothered? What does your DP/DH (their son) think of it all? I can't understand why you think that it's ok for them to sit on the sofa and rest (FFS!) unless they are ill? Why do they think it's ok? Is there more to this? Surely anyone grandparent in their right mind would help and be grateful they'd been invited?!

Is there any way of compromise that people can think of?

Yes, let their son deal with them.

This.

Honestly? I wouldn't cope positively with children like this

I would choose not to be around this sort of behaviour for more than a couple of hours

However, it's the children's home and they can behave any way their parents see fit in their own home

So.....the grandparents have made the correct decision. They're not asking the children to change. They're drawing their own boundaries

Very good choice

I'd let them bugger off home and then say "sadly we all hate video calls, they make us uncomfortable so we won't be doing them ". If their grandchildren aren't perfect enough for them to bother seeing them in person, then they can do without them. Their loss
Yeah, let's go to extremes because how is that helpful?
It is not only the loss of the grandparents but the children too.
It is an extremely difficult time of year. I am finding it overwhelming as I have got older and children find the change in routines difficult too. I think everyone needs a bit of space and for normality to return.

I agree. Two and three year olds can be a lot. Certainly to someone who isnt their parent.

did you leave the house enough? Go for walks and get fresh air? Keep the children to their meal times? My son as a toddler / preschool was a nightmare is he was hungry. A different child twenty mins later when fed. We have also never allowed them to get up ridiculously early at Christmas. 7am is absolute earliest for leaving bedrooms. Back to bed until then. Don't abandon all routine as this will lead to carnage.

3 and 2! They’re being absolutely ridiculous!

Your kids sound pretty normal for their ages. Small kids are like dogs, you have to take them for their walks, they're a nightmare in the house all day. In the unlikely event of a repeat I'd be taking the kids out as usual and leaving the grandparents on the sofa if they don't want to join you.

Loool girl, it sounds like the trash took itself out! I'd whinge about their behaviour for the next 20 years and enjoy an in-laws free life ❤️

Fractious 2 & 3 years olds are awful. I don’t blame the grandparents. They’re not obliged to put up with it. Give it a year and your kids might be better. It’s perfectly reasonable to have boundaries.

What sort of parents were they like to your husband?
Were they quite authoritarian/disciplinarian? Very seen and not heard?
I’m horrified by some of the stories friends have told me about how their parents of that generation earned compliance. And even people who I like very much of that generation and who are very loving seem to expect higher standards of behaviour from small toddlers, and go on about boundaries, etc when their way of doing things seems overly harsh by modern standards.

It really annoys me when they go on about discipline when eg I knew they used to smack their kids.

The problem is this. If you decide you can't cope and don't want to (FIL in our case) you don't have a relationship when the kids grow up and turn into brilliant people. My DPs stuck it out, made sure they had a relationship, made the effort. Now they have a relationship with DC.

OP's PIL can decide to not see them when they are hard work. But they can't expect to have a close GP relationship when they are cute at 7, interesting at 10, sparky at 14.

And 2 and 3 yo children aren't really 'behaved' as such. They are living their genetics at that point. Socialisation really kicks in later. OP was controlling them, but herding is really all you do when they are so young. Sounds like she worked really hard but they are very small and it's Christmas.

I doubt a 2 and 3 year old will sit for long for a video call. I'd let DH video call them, do a quick wave hello from the kids and then leave them to it and get on with your day with the kids. They'll be missing out on a relationship, but that's their choice.

You say the children were overtired, overwhelmed and by the sound of it, out of control. That’s no fun for anyone and very wearing for the GPs, who aren’t used to that kind of scenario; for you, who tried with them and wanted a much more enjoyable time and for the DCs themselves, who probably couldn’t think straight.

The GPs were honest, but brutally so and it just wasn’t necessary. If it were me, I wouldn’t be holding my breath for any effort from your side.

I never had to cope with loud, messy and overexcited children, but that was down to personality types and a bigger gap between them. Our GCs are very close in age, much louder, very messy and more boisterous. A lot of it drives me mad, but it’s just who they are right now, so we had a tiring Christmas and a heck of a lot of cleaning up, but we had some fun and know this stage won’t be forever.

Everyone has different tolerance levels. Everyone ages differently. I can understand these GPs finding it all too much, but they’ll lose out on such a lot by not being face to face, reap what they sew and then you’ll hear a different kind of complaint @Isitjustme20 Good to hear the girls are calmer now, onwards and upwards into the new year. Sit back and see what DH’s parents come forward with and try not to stew over what they said.

*I agree. Two and three year olds can be a lot. Certainly to someone who isnt their parent.

did you leave the house enough? Go for walks and get fresh air? Keep the children to their meal times? My son as a toddler / preschool was a nightmare is he was hungry. A different child twenty mins later when fed. We have also never allowed them to get up ridiculously early at Christmas. 7am is absolute earliest for leaving bedrooms. Back to bed until then. Don't abandon all routine as this will lead to carnage.*

It's Christmas and OP had guests staying - of course the routine will be disrupted. On top of cooking and entertaining visitors, decorating the house, wrapping gifts and all the hours and days of work that goes into Christmas, alongside taking care of the kids, I imagine her day was already quite full without long walks in the countryside.

Totally normal toddler behaviour when their routine has been disrupted. Nothing to worry about.

nothing to worry about at all, but it's not the "norm" either. Not all kids are a nightmare when they have guests. I wouldn't cope with my own kids crying and whinnig all day. There's nothing wrong, but it's not something you must expect from children just because they are 2 and 3.

Video calls are shit with toddlers/pre schoolers. I know, as my in laws live abroad and we’ve video called them every Sunday for years. The only reason I facilitate it is because my in laws are fab and they miss the children a lot. I wouldn’t be doing it just because the grandparents didn’t want to visit.

The problem is this. If you decide you can't cope and don't want to (FIL in our case) you don't have a relationship when the kids grow up and turn into brilliant people. My DPs stuck it out, made sure they had a relationship, made the effort. Now they have a relationship with DC.
It may not be a case of deciding you can't cope. It could be that they genuinely can't cope. My mum was really unwell when my kids were little and couldn't cope. So a little and often was the best option. Once she recovered from her cancer and the children were a little older they established a great relationship. My kids are adults now and they are really close to their grandparents.

There's too much of an age gap , I'd expect grandparents of 2/3 yrs olds to be 50's or 60's not 70's . I imagine you want peace and quiet at that time of life and boisterous children just don't fit in with that