In laws left and said not to visit with grandkids for forseeable

[Isitjustme20]

Feeling a bit upset. In laws came down for Xmas and we have a 3 and a 2 year old. To be completely honest, the kids were a nightmare the whole time and overwhelmed and didn’t sleep well. In laws left and said that they will do video calls in future and won’t be visiting until they are better. I feel awful and I do understand because they were really badly behaved the whole time and we try our best but they’re kids and it’s Xmas but equally feel bad for the children as they love seeing them. Is there any way of compromise that people can think of? Thanks

yeah my DH is in his 70s and manages fine to play with our Dcs (who granted are 14 and 12) but they have spent christmas doing walks, and swims and playing lego and testing out Ds2s new pogo stick. (The latter was not successful).

I am not sure I would want my Dcs to be around grandparents who for a start don't seem to love them enough to see them unless it's on strict terms that does not take into account developmental ages.

Children are nightmares sometimes, especially when out of routine and full of excitement, providing you weren't just laughing it off and refusing to parent yoyr in laws are out of order. At least at 3 and 2 your children have time to learn some manners unlike their rude, ungrateful grandparents.

Would I fuck be video calling, I'd be sending a strongly worded text letting them know they're no longer welcome in your home.

So they have forgotten what kids are like?! Christmas is such a stimulating time for them, presents and chocolates is everywhere they turn!

My two sets of grandparents were completely different. One set like your ILs the other more hands on.

I get it - if the ILs are used to a quiet life the dc were really badly behaved all the time it is wearing. How long were they visiting? Maybe meet up for a couple of hours next time for a lunch and see how it goes. The dc might be better without the excitement of Christmas as well.

Find me a child that hasn’t acted up during Xmas!

It is overwhelming for grown adults, let alone small children whose little minds can’t comprehend the mix of emotions they feel at this time of year.

They seem to have forgotten what it is like to have a young family. Give them the space they want but your husband should be reminding them of this and that their lack of face to face contact will only negatively impact upon them and the children to some extent.

We only have one DS age 29 months who is an absolute livewire and have spent Xmas with our parents who are all 69-76 in age. None of them have chronic health issues but all have some sort of ailment - bad back, arthritis etc and all of them spent time with DS this Christmas playing with him.

Don't get me wrong he'd play up if he wanted attention but while he had it or while the GPs were playing with his toys with him he was mostly fine.

To me it sounds like your in laws had totally unrealistic expectations of what to expect from a young child and weren't prepared to be remotely flexible to accommodate their needs.

What were your DC doing exactly??

It's the Grandparents themselves that are choosing to go down the route of the video calls rather than the OP.

I'm sorry your experience of them has negative memories but I'd try and look at it like this - if technology hadn't been as progressive as it was, there wouldn't even have been video calls so we were able to see and talk with our loved ones so regularly during lockdown and they were able to see and talk with us too and this was a good thing.

Irrelevant, they will still call regardless when they need something doing /sorting out. It won't be about professional nursing care will it?🙄

They're being ridiculous.

Christmas is a very exciting time for children but they can easily become over stimulated. This and given the fact they are TODDLERS.

They wouldn't be welcome back at any point if it were me!

Not quite sure what they expected from such young children.

Probably for the best, they don't sound very nice.

People forget how hard work small children are. Slightly different situation but my parents came to help me with my baby for 2 weeks when he was 6 weeks old (DH was going on a work trip). They thought they'd have nice long walks in the pram, watch him lie on the playmat, take cute photos etc. The reality was very different, they were utterly exhausted when they left and they said "I didn't realize that a small baby could be such hard work." I asked them what I was like at 6 weeks old and they said they honestly can't remember!!

That's not normal for the grandparents.
If my children had badly behaved children (if you can even call it that at 2, and even at 3 Christmas and visitors can be very overwhelming) I'd be trying to help out knowing that I could go home after and the parents are dealing with it constantly.
Don't let it get you down, I hope they were kinder to your DH when he was young.

I don't really understand the question. They've offered the compromise - video calls.

It sounds like both ILs and DC were overwhelmed, and you too. Try not to be upset, they may have thought they were doing you a favour by offering to stay away, they must have seen how difficult it was for you. As a pp said, short visits from now on, until everyone is better able to cope. The DC will get better and the ILs will come back. Don’t beat yourself up.

There will come a point that in laws will need you ..

it’s a long road that doesn’t turn

my youngest was crying and whining most the day because she was tired, I walked round the house with her most the day to try and placate her, my eldest was whining for a lot of it and pinching me so I kept telling her to go in time out and they would fight at times so it was constant telling them off and separating them, so tiring so I can see why they are knackered because I’m shattered too from it, now they’ve gone their behaviour has gone back to their normal

Shorter not overnight visits/meetings should be the next step I think. Whilst upsetting, better that this happens when they are pre-school than later on.

They live 4 hours away too so they can’t just pop round so I guess video calls is the only option

so grandparents in their 7-0s found two children under 3 a lot to cope with and have managed the situation by saying FaceTime and visit when they are older

seems sensible measures

op what do you think would be a better solution?

Maybe they should just accept that they come for 3 hours, you all go out for a pub meal etc and then they go home or go to a hotel if it's a fair distance. Zoom calls only seems a bit extreme!

We are all different and some 70 odd year olds are still full on great with kids of all ages , others just want their 'safe' routines, homes under the hammer and quiet peace and their mental state can only take small kids or teens in short doses, even though they love them- it is what it is. To be fair I might have thought 'this is doing my head in' but you wouldn't have known and I would have said nothing- just made future suggestions that didn't involve extended stays especially at Xmas when many very young children get over excited and extra boisterous -

Sounds like they've forgotten how intense 2- and 3-year-olds can be! Some people really struggle with toddlers, they're so full-on, and can be perfectly dreadful when outside their normal routine.

Do not take this personally, and don't apologise for normal toddler fiendishness. This is not on you, this is very much a Them problem. It's a real shame that the DC aren't appreciated by their own grandparents, who really should try and at least tolerate them even if it's hard for them. I couldn't imagine being so intolerant towards my own family, or indeed my own DPs being like that with my DC. You must feel really let down and judged

I bet you're a lovely mum, and that your DC are a mischievous handful of delight.

I've left people's houses thinking I'm never staying again, but I don't actually say it!!! How rude!

But you say yourself, OP, your DC were a nightmare. Oh dear. I'm guessing if they didn't sleep well there was lots of crying. Hopefully now Christmas is over you can all have some calm. Your relatives can stay again when your DC are teens and refuse to leave their bedroom until 1pm, it sounds like that will suit them more.

So what's the problem? I'm not sure I understand why you're upset.

Yes absolutely it's their choice not hers.
And yes miles better than just phone calls but still not a great substitute for actual time with small children. With older kids and adults video calls works better.

That's awful of them. They could have helped. Or even thought poor parents, I'm sure they could do with a rest, I'll watch them for you.
Even the best behaved kids an get overwhelmed and act awfully at Christmas, they're toddlers!
I personally wouldn't video call them, ever. If my husband wanted to then That's up to him.
Doesn't sound like your kids have lost anything tbh.