In laws left and said not to visit with grandkids for forseeable

[Isitjustme20]

Feeling a bit upset. In laws came down for Xmas and we have a 3 and a 2 year old. To be completely honest, the kids were a nightmare the whole time and overwhelmed and didn’t sleep well. In laws left and said that they will do video calls in future and won’t be visiting until they are better. I feel awful and I do understand because they were really badly behaved the whole time and we try our best but they’re kids and it’s Xmas but equally feel bad for the children as they love seeing them. Is there any way of compromise that people can think of? Thanks

Nope,depends on the person. My mother was stretching every day doing yoga in her 70s & could be up & about quicker than me at the time she was looking after the grandchildren 😂

Bit rich coming from them

Who did they expect, Hyacinth bouquet???

Sorry, they came to you for Christmas - so you presumably cooked ands served drinks and put them up overnight and provided all the in between snacks/entertainment/cups of tea. And they sat on the sofa and watched as their 2 and 3 yr old grandkids behaved like 2 and 3 yr olds and didn't help. And then sent a nasty flouncing message after they left?
OP, THEY are the ones who behaved awfully here

^

This is about the crux of it

Shame on them.

To be honest that behaviour sounds horrific, I can't blame their grandparents for not wanting to deal with that at all.

Lol
You must be very young if you have zero empathy with 2 folks in their 70s.
They just can't handle it, they've stated what they can handle for now!

Don’t put effort into video calls when they have been so rude. It’s possible they can’t face their own limitations in their old age but regardless this is partly on them - we have relatives who have limited mobility etc and they still engage with the dc in a realistic and helpful way.
Remember not to offer more than a video call if they ever need help.

Sorry but what rotten grandparents and piling it on you, making you feel awful. Helping is what grandparents are for and this is what 2 and 3 year olds do. Don’t they have any child management skills at all?
I don’t think they are much of a loss tbh.. Time will solve this, a couple to 3 years and they will be delightful, the children, not the grandparents - there is no hope for them. Not your fault mummy.

And they sat on the sofa and watched as their 2 and 3 yr old grandkids behaved like 2 and 3 yr olds and didn't help.

I'm sure OP said that MIL helped with cleaning so that bit at least isn't entirely fair.

But TBF they must be pretty thick 70 year olds not to realise how much energy and effort littles ones are. Just because their other GC might not behave the same, doesn't make OP's kids wrong.

The GPs sound very selfish and entitled, they CHOSE to go to OP's home and seem shocked that kids are...kids!

would welcome tips on how to manage a 3 year old that doesn’t respond well to time out as don’t know what to do when she’s naughty (albeit isn’t much when routine is unchanged)

Say firm no - distract - it really depends on the child - they can be very different at least mine were - look very similar but very different to handle.

Niggling at each other is the worst - I think we usually did walks - hope youngest would sleep in pushchair and tire eldest out so they'd sit quiet in from of TV. However there are times that not possible when on long days out and times when that harder ie with visitors who may interfere.

It should get better as they get older - but shorter visits or neutral locations may be helpful in meantime. They'll just have to discover the kids aren't bothered or interested in video calls - mine used to get overexcited and then rapidly disinterested so I stopped them fairly quickly as it was a lot of work for very little.

I do think the could have been a bit more diplomatic - ie hold of visits and say nothing but I suppose you at least know where they stand.

Helping is NOT what grandparents are for. What an entitled attitude!

GPs here in 80's play with and entertain kiddos. However we are in their house so they also cook, shop and clean for us. (We do help and never demand).

Perhaps your GPs are used to their own space and would find it easier if you visited them?

We've decided not to do any evening meals out bc it's very stressful with a tired 2yr old, but it doesn't meanwe don't enjoy it, just it doesn't work for anyone at the moment. Try to view their comments in the spirit of, this isn't working, let's do it differently rather than as an offensive statement.

My in laws used to host us in their house about once a year. Our kids knew how to sit at the table , be polite, play quietly. In-laws never helped with the kids at all, just cooked and enabled us to enjoy ourselves.
My parents never had us to stay. They visited us about twice a year for a few days. My mother drew pictures with the children from time to time. They didnt help with anything else. We cooked and cleaned and looked after our own children.
Wirh our grandchild we do a LOT. We cook meals and do baths and play with him when we visit. When they visit we help out , babysit as well as cook most meals. It is very tiring though and it shouldn’t be an expectation . Grandparents have brought up their own kids. They shouldn’t have to bring up their grandchildren too if they don’t want to.

This thread is a perfect example of how modern parenting has gone. Everyone else should shut up and put up with poorly behaved children (because it’s Christmas/their birthday/they are overwhelmed/overstimulated/have ADHD/ASD etc). There is zero responsibility for parents and no understanding that other people don’t always want to be around loud, whinging and badly behaved children.

This. We spent every Christmas at my GP’s when me and my sibling were little and tantrums and poor behaviour was just not allowed to happen. Any sign of whinging/grizzling and we were sharply reminded to pack it in.
My Nan wasn’t expected to parent us, or crawl around on the floor entertaining us.
I am baffled at this new way of doing things.

You remember being at your grandparents when you were 2, even down to the details of how you behaved? Impressive! I was a very quiet, well behaved child but I can’t remember how I behaved when I was 2.

These are babies though. I speak as a devoted Granny. Alas my little ones are in Australia. What do you mean entitled? 🤗

We found that IL couldn't cope with our one DC. We did do the odd night staying over but mostly they came and stayed in a hotel near us and we only saw them for a couple of hours. They had a live-in home help for their kids and I genuinely think they aren't that great with kids.

In the end our DC refused to see them at all.

Of course not. But my mother has told me, having been horrified at the behaviour of many children nowadays, that she could take me and my sibling anywhere and we behaved. She did not stand for whinging, badly behaved children.

Children are NOT mini adults. They will shock horror behave like children.

All this modern parenting crap. I'd rather it be like how it is now where we actually give kids a voice and try and understand the reasons behind the behaviour than giving them a smack and putting the fear of god in them to get them to behave.

The children are 2 & 3. They weren't badly behaved, they were being children. The grandparents do not sound helpful in the slightest.

My mother in law was like this, we haven’t seen her in 8 years and I can honestly say neither my husband, I or the kids care.
I didn’t want such negative people in our lives and my husband agreed. Thankfully my husbands dad and wife are fab and loved all the chaos.

My FIL doesn't want to be around our 3 year old - when I was pregnant I asked if he was looking forward to having a child in the family and he said "no, I've done all that I'm not doing it again".

In laws live an hour away but he's only seen our son once a year since he's been born at my MIL's insistence. That's fine - that's his choice. My husband and I don't miss him and as far as my son thinks he only has one grandad (my dad). We haven't denied FIL's existence but the reality is my son wouldn't recognise him if he saw him 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are confusing discipline for cruelty. There’s a difference.

Why do you think hoards of teachers are leaving the profession? Why do you think there are so many utterly entitled teenagers/young adults around nowadays? Because this ‘giving children a voice’ that you speak of is letting them run riot and failing to instil any discipline in them at all. So these children grow up thinking that rules don’t apply to them, that they can be rude and insolent to other people, including teachers, that mummy and daddy will have their back no matter what.

You can give a child a voice and still discipline children when needed.

As someone who worked in elderly people's homes and then on hospital wards for ten years , in my opinion people of all ages are equally rude and entitled. I just think the general public is pretty awful !

I never found that younger patients (or younger relatives of older patients) were more demanding or rude than those in their 50s/60s/70s/80s and beyond.

People have been complaining about the youth for decades. Some in society thought teenagers/young people were out of control for liking Elvis Presley in the 1950s. Teenagers in the 60s were dope smoking lazy hippies etc etc etc ...

Patience starts to run out at that age OP, and they were probably tired and cranky themselves.
Older people can be set in their ways too, which doesn't help.

You're tired also, so maybe park everything, ring in the new year and invite them when it's warmer so everyone isn't stuck indoors all day.

You did your best, they know their limits, kids will be kids, it gets better.