In laws left and said not to visit with grandkids for forseeable

[Isitjustme20]

Feeling a bit upset. In laws came down for Xmas and we have a 3 and a 2 year old. To be completely honest, the kids were a nightmare the whole time and overwhelmed and didn’t sleep well. In laws left and said that they will do video calls in future and won’t be visiting until they are better. I feel awful and I do understand because they were really badly behaved the whole time and we try our best but they’re kids and it’s Xmas but equally feel bad for the children as they love seeing them. Is there any way of compromise that people can think of? Thanks

I just wouldn’t bother with them much in the future. Honestly what were they expecting? It’s Christmas with two tiny children who will have been excited, hyped up and out of routine.
I am sure when your in-laws get much older if they lose their faculties and start to behave erratically they won’t expect you to visit them.

I mean it stings a bit but if they're in their 70s, used to a quiet life and your DC were as bad as you're saying, I can kind of understand it.

I might've not been as blunt as they were though, as too much honesty can hurt.

I totally agree. Theu could have stated that they found the visit overwhelming and can only cope with shorter visits or visits that are in a public place or some sort of solution.
Saying there will be no visits at all only video chats is really shit of them.
Those are their grandchildren! The bond is important to maintain. Even when the kids are going through a boisterous phase. Many grandparents in their 70s deal with it just fine.. it's not like they are there every day.
All they needed to do was say they found it hard and come up with a way to make it easier. Not completely ba visits!

Essentially you feel awful because your kids were being kids.
Your in laws are quite frankly being awful.
They too were parents of young children-it’s completely normal for young kids to become overstimulated, hyper and screechy around times like Christmas. It’s magical but it can be also stressful as hell-particularly when you have more than one

Maybe not judgemental as such, I don't know. But I would feel judged and it would make me extremely anxious every time they interacted with my children from then on, in case they 'let me down' with their behaviour.

I would be very disappointed in myself if I were this type of grandparent.

God, I remember during COVID when my grandmother was in a care home and suddenly video calls were all we had. My kids only remember her through a screen. The idea of choosing that!

I seem to be finding this conversation very upsetting, which is probably about my own experiences, but still.

Well that's bloody unrealistic for a start!

No wonder the kids played up

The GPs are horrible and it's their loss

No, my DH and I are similar age and we would never be like that

Me neither.

“Sorry GPS, kids are too young to understand/do video calls. You’re always welcome to visit for a shorter period if that’s all you can cope with”

Fine. Don't bother video calling though those always end up shit

No. We're not all in our dotage

And 1-3 are my favourite ages

What exactly has your husband said about this announcement because frankly they need telling that there will be no phone calls and no video calls , your children are not performing animals to be carted out for their grandparents entertainment. If they don’t want to see them now then they can forget seeing them when they are older . Horrible , horrible people . I really doubt @Isitjustme20 that your small children are any worse behaved than lots of other peoples .

What was the behaviour? General grumpiness, shouting etc. or hard bites? Because if it's the latter or similar then yes, I get their point. I'd say that they stay in a hotel and you meet outside where the kids can run around.

Don't worry OP your inlaws will soon be in touch when they need some care / looking after.

Keep visits much shorter. Best of both worlds then. Mine that age wouldn't engage with a video call for more than five minutes.

If you said to your kids "sit nicely, don't argue, don't xyz' mine couldn't keep that for more than a few hours. Last time we saw IL my kids sat silent at the table as I made them. Still not seen Il'S for seven years! They are waiting for them to turn 16 I think!?

I'd agree. Set a limit of your choosing though. Then say coming to your house for hours, days will be dependent on how well shorter visits go first.

When I was that age and my grandparents were in their 70s, they were looking after me 8-6 every day, plus some overnights and weekends. 🤷🏻‍♀️ By all means, let your partner organise those video calls. You stay out of it. Everyone who tried to do the same with grandparents through COVID with toddlers knows how well that will go.

That said, kids don’t miss out not having disinterested grandparents around. My dc have no relationship with my family and only see MIL every few months and could take her or leave her, but they definitely aren’t pining after her!

Yeah, because it is GPs job to teach GC proper behaviour? Quick, let us blame the GPs!

You've had a lot of support on here, but you say yourself the kids were really badly behaved. Honestly, do you need to work on their behavior by splitting them up, taking them out in the fresh air, following through on sanctions etc?

What did you do as a parent to control their bad behaviour? The compromise you’re looking for has already been set by the GPs… video call. Maybe boisterous children are to much for them, did you try calm the children? It would put me off visiting if the parents were just allowing them to run wild (not saying you were)

Because OP and her DH do such a great job of looking after the dc?

Look on it as a blessing, if the kids were worse than normal having them around probably contributed to that along with the general overwhelm of Christmas. Some kids don't do well in very exciting atmosphere and would probably behave better if everything is calm and low key and close to their normal routine. Having some judgemental relatives they barely know who stress their mum out probably isn't the best for them or you.

Just because you put up with shitty behaviour, it does not mean everybody else should - this is the line constantly thrown at me on MN. I agree,

It sounds like it was stressful for everyone and at least they’ve been honest it was too much for them.

They sound awful OP. Honestly it's their loss!

The kids were 3 yrs old and 2 yrs old so they were acting their ages. Their grandparents are clearly no longer able to be around kids of that age or don't have the energy to be around kids of that age and if they would prefer not to visit but to do video calls, leave them up to that.

You don't need to do or change a thing. The kids were probably over excited and they'll be more able to deal with their excitement next year and the year after that too.