DF inviting extra guests to Christmas Day

[DeckchairsonTitanic]

Please tell me I am not being unreasonable here.
My dad has four children. An older son from his first marriage and then myself, another daughter and a son. My older brother (DB1) and my father didn’t have much contact until DB1 was in his late teens. There is quite a lot of water under the bridge and DF works quite hard to maintain a relationship with DB1. As siblings we have met him quite a few times but haven’t really got a meaningful relationship with him. DB1 has had endless problems with drink and drugs (been to rehab a few times. I’m not just talking about drinking in excess and a bit of coke at weekends)
I give all this as context as DF messaged me last night to ask if DB1 and his grandmother (no relation to us, have never met her) can join us for Christmas dinner. I am hosting. Myself and my sister have children under 5. According to DF, DB1 is sober and clean atm. We have heard this many times over the years. And that he has nowhere to go (Not strictly true as I know DB was originally planning to have Christmas just with his Grandmother). It is complicated by the fact that DB1 has been living abroad with a girlfriend so DF doesn’t see him often.
Am I being unreasonable to say guests can’t invite further guests 4 days before Christmas? Especially extra adults!

No the background isn't even needed to say no!! So rude and cheeky!

They could come over, but just for the meal and a drink afterwards, then leave?

Ignore all the background. Sorry I don't have space for two more.

I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all, especially prep and budget wise it’s taking on extra work and more expensive for you. It’s reasonable to just say no, but if you don’t want to give and outright no, I have a couple of suggestions

• ask your DF to pay for the food of the extra guests, maybe £15 - £20 a head?
• ask your DF to bring some extra dishes of food himself, so you don’t have to spend time buying and cooking extra food.

Isn’t that what Christmas is supposed to be about though. Love, forgiveness, family etc. Do you actually expect him to misbehave or be objectionable?
if you dont have the space for them then you don’t have the space. Personally I would have them.

he has nowhere to go (Not strictly true as I know DB was originally planning to have Christmas just with his Grandmother)

You don’t have space for 2 more, so the two of them can have Christmas Day together

Given the drugs and alcohol and the small children I would say no, but you understand if your Dad would prefer to spend the day with your DB1 and his Grandmother instead of at yours. A

If he’s clean and has sorted himself out then it might be good to try and build a relationship, but slowly, without the kids to start with and certainly not on such as emotionally charged day as Christmas.

They would not be able to come for part of the day. We live an hours drive from London where DB1 is staying and he doesn’t have a car in England and his Grandmother is too old to drive.

No room at the Inn

I would say no. Not at the short notice and not those particular people either! It's unfair for him to ask you, he's acting the big man and putting it all on you. What did those two think they were going to be doing?

I'm a soft touch so it's a yes from me, I've had extra waifs and strays (meant kindly, I'm talking young adults with estranged family died) my dc accumulated on Christmas Eve stop through Christmas, thank goodness for the local petrol station being open Christmas Day so I dispatched now exh to there for emergency Christmas presents, just chocolates but you can't not give a 19 year old and 17 year whose mum died 6 months ago and dad won't step up nothing!)

On a practical level can you actually sit and feed 2 more adults ? If no then it's easy, because it's just a no as you don't have enough.
Otherwise, I'd probably say yes personally but limit it. As in they arrive at xx time and leave after the meal.

You can definitely say no. If you really wanted to compromise....can they come after the main meal like for afternoon cup of tea.

They would not be able to come for part of the day. We live an hours drive from London where DB1 is staying and he doesn’t have a car in England and his Grandmother is too old to drive.

So they’d need to stay over? That would be a no from me - I’d happily accommodate extra guests for dinner because it’s easy to stretch out Christmas dinner to feed a coupe more but I couldn’t accommodate two extra houseguests at such short notice. They’d have nowhere to sleep.

“That doesn’t work for me dad. I completely understand if you now want to go and spend the day with DB1 and his grandma though. Can you let me know asap what you’re doing”.

Do you actually have room for them? If I could make space for them, I would say yes.

It would be a no from me. Too close to Christmas, you don’t know one of them at all, the young kids don’t know them, and it’s ok for you to just say no because you don’t want to.

Could your Dad go to them and come to you on Boxing Day?

I have hosted extra adults that I didn't know were coming until an hour before their arrival.
Unless you literally weigh and measure each plate full of food I'm sure you can make what you already have go around.
If you don't want to host them then be honest about why instead of making excuses as to why they are not welcome.

As a pp asked, do you actually have the room to host two other people? How many are you already hosting?
Also, where would they stay if they live too far away to just pop in?
I think your dad should spend Christmas Day with his son and his gran and then maybe visit you on Boxing Day or something.

I should imagine they would stay at Dad’s. Which is putting a lot on my mum.

Has he ever been on a bender drug addled session when he has been at a family gathering? And have you got space for 2 more people?