DF inviting extra guests to Christmas Day

[DeckchairsonTitanic]

Please tell me I am not being unreasonable here.
My dad has four children. An older son from his first marriage and then myself, another daughter and a son. My older brother (DB1) and my father didn’t have much contact until DB1 was in his late teens. There is quite a lot of water under the bridge and DF works quite hard to maintain a relationship with DB1. As siblings we have met him quite a few times but haven’t really got a meaningful relationship with him. DB1 has had endless problems with drink and drugs (been to rehab a few times. I’m not just talking about drinking in excess and a bit of coke at weekends)
I give all this as context as DF messaged me last night to ask if DB1 and his grandmother (no relation to us, have never met her) can join us for Christmas dinner. I am hosting. Myself and my sister have children under 5. According to DF, DB1 is sober and clean atm. We have heard this many times over the years. And that he has nowhere to go (Not strictly true as I know DB was originally planning to have Christmas just with his Grandmother). It is complicated by the fact that DB1 has been living abroad with a girlfriend so DF doesn’t see him often.
Am I being unreasonable to say guests can’t invite further guests 4 days before Christmas? Especially extra adults!

Well only you know your Dad and family to predict how this will pan out. Was your Dad just texting to sound you out and will he be fine and say fair enough if you say no, or will there be minor ructions? It is a bit cheeky but he might have just been asking in a 'is there any chance...' kind of way, knowing that it's probably likely to be no.

Presumably your Dad would have to pick them up from London as well. Have you not had a conversation with your mother about this, instead of Mumsnet?!

That is for your mum to say no to if that is what she wants. So they could come for part of the day if you wanted?

I would say yes, but I don't mind accommodating extra people for Christmas. I take it you dislike this brother?

If it was me and I had room I'd include them. In the spirit of Christmas and inclusivity. But you certainly don't have to. Its very acceptable to say sorry but no.

I think this sounds like a complex situation that your dad is unfairly pushing on you to fix to make him look like the good guy. I wonder if your poor mum has any say at all!

I'd say unfortunately won't be able to do it but would understand if you want to go there. Then speak to your mum separately to check she's okay and find out what she wants to do.

Sounds like performance parenting to me that is firmly being placed on your shoulders.

If I could fit them in, I would absolutely have them.

I don’t dislike DB1 as a person. He can be really fun to spend time with. He can also turn up to family occasions completely off his head. yes, my dad said he is clean now but we have had the numerous times when he is clean for a period of time. He posted a picture on social media last night when he was very obviously in a pub.
Obviously we don’t have the usual sibling dynamics as we met him when we were older.

I would say yes, unless he’s commited a serious crime or likely to become violent and aggressive I would be saying yes. He’s your brother, unless he’s done something horrendous and you’re frightened of him (or he’s likely to walk off with your purse!) I’d be giving an olive branch. I work with adults with addiction - a supportive family relationship can honestly make all the difference and it doesn’t need to be massive, just little things like giving them a seat at the table can be v significant. Obviously I’m not trying to say it’s your job to fix his problems but you have an opportunity to do something good here…

Vast majority of my patients will not see family at Christmas and it’s just a bit shit. It perpetuates that cycle of anger and self loathing.

Get your dad to give you £30, get an extra turkey crown, a cheesecake or something, couple more boxes of chocolates and a couple of bottles of Shloer. Couple of cheap gift sets from Tesco and you’re grand. If you’re worried about conversation - Xmas film, easy to follow board games.

I would not be choosing to put myself on the radar of someone with a history of drug use.

Next time he falls off the wagon and is looking for his next fix, he'll remember your son's guitar propped up in the corner of the living room, the silver spoon he ate his Christmas pud with, the Le Creuset set in the kitchen......

Absolutely not. Not even about the addiction but you can't ask to bring 2 extra people to someone else's house for Christmas day!

I'd just say sorry we can't fit two more in but completely understand if you want to go to them and we can see you on x day.

In that case I'd help my mum and dad bear the burden by having them all over to my house for Christmas dinner and Christmas afternoon. I don't understand all this 'have you got enough food' thing, surely most of us with families have more than enough food in to feed a couple more? Or do people buy 16 sprouts and 6 carrots and 8 potatoes and not have anything extra available? As for room, as a child every third year we had an extended family Christmas with everyone there and I used to love being on the children's table (usually the coffee table with a Christmas cloth thrown over it) and four or more children on cushions around it, feeling very special. I'd do it for my parents. Otherwise I presume they'll have to host and go out shopping in the next few days for everything they need for Christmas dinner etc. It's easier to cope with someone you may not got along with if there's a crowd. Christmas dinner for four — your mum, dad, DB1 and his grandmother — could be very intense.

What's the upside for your husband and children in this?
I'd prioritise them. Have a lovely Christmas with your own family. Tell your dad that it doesn't suit, and you understand if he wants to meet the others instead.

So your DF wants to invite his ex-MIL to Christmas lunch and to stay with his wife, your mum?

Pick up the phone and talk it out with Dad. He wants to see you but doesn't want to perpetuate his absence from his older sons life. It's complicated, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, but it would be helpful to say that you understand.

I think people are being a bit optimistic about squeezing them in, do they have mansions?! If you are already hosting numerous family members it is conceivable that you wouldn't be physically able to fit in two extra adults. Poor grandmother can hardly perch on a stool and sit on the floor can she.
First is do you have food and space?

Second, as much as it's lovely to be I to the spirit of goodwill, your first priority is to your kids and DH. I wouldn't be brining someone potentially off their face around my little kids, relative or not.

This is what happens when men (because it pretty much is men) leave their first family and have no contact with their children. They then start a new family and have new children who get brought up with a father and could never understand the struggles of someone who isn't. It's good your dad is trying to make an effort with him now. You are entitled to have who you want at your house at Christmas so tell them all not to come and they can do something else

Your DF asked. You can say no. That's totally fine. You're hosting and it's a big ask, too much for most people to take on at this point.

Good grief hard no from me. Your dad is taking the mickey here do you think he’s left it so late because he feels you won’t be able to say no so late on. If he wants to spend time on Christmas Day with them then he can go to them and sort the food out.
Also keen to know what is your mums take on this? Is she supportive in which case they can throw a small get together at theirs and perhaps meet later on Boxing Day. If she is not then she can come to you and leave your father to it.

If I had the space, I would say yes - if you’re doing a traditional roast it can be stretched very easily with the addition of more potatoes and carrots - we always have as much left over as there is eaten. It’s what Christmas is about for me, particularly seeing he doesn’t have to stay.

I think the spirit of goodwill at Christmas is great but you have small children to consider. They should be the first priority here not making up for your dad's past parenting mistakes.

Christmas is an emotionally charged day anyway, add in alcohol, unresolved family issues and addiction issues and it could very easily get out of control.

I would say no to your dad and advise him to spend the day with his eldest so they can have quality time together. Bet he doesn't want to give his lovely Christmas Dinner up though, just dump the issue on your doorstep with a big dollop of emotional blackmail.

I would say it's too short notice and you've already made plans.
I think your DF is inconsiderate to expect this of you, especially as there are DC involved and you will be on edge wondering if DB will stay sober on the day. Without judgement it's easy to be tempted if there is alcohol around
You need to enjoy your Christmas too