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Original poster

DF inviting extra guests to Christmas Day

186 replies

DeckchairsonTitanic · 21/12/2024 09:05

Please tell me I am not being unreasonable here.
My dad has four children. An older son from his first marriage and then myself, another daughter and a son. My older brother (DB1) and my father didn’t have much contact until DB1 was in his late teens. There is quite a lot of water under the bridge and DF works quite hard to maintain a relationship with DB1. As siblings we have met him quite a few times but haven’t really got a meaningful relationship with him. DB1 has had endless problems with drink and drugs (been to rehab a few times. I’m not just talking about drinking in excess and a bit of coke at weekends)
I give all this as context as DF messaged me last night to ask if DB1 and his grandmother (no relation to us, have never met her) can join us for Christmas dinner. I am hosting. Myself and my sister have children under 5. According to DF, DB1 is sober and clean atm. We have heard this many times over the years. And that he has nowhere to go (Not strictly true as I know DB was originally planning to have Christmas just with his Grandmother). It is complicated by the fact that DB1 has been living abroad with a girlfriend so DF doesn’t see him often.
Am I being unreasonable to say guests can’t invite further guests 4 days before Christmas? Especially extra adults!

OP posts:
Maurepas · 21/12/2024 15:21

It will probably just upset you on the day and why should you be upset and worried about the young children etc thus spoiling things for YOU - it is also quite late to spring this on you. Just say ''no'' and ask that your wish is respected.

user23124 · 21/12/2024 15:24

'Ahh no sorry Dad that doesn't work but you go to them instead, that's perfect'

Viviennemary · 21/12/2024 15:28

They have asked you but it's a bit short notice. Maybe your mum and Dad should have Christmas at their house with the two guests and come and visit you later, it's really up to your Dad to sort this out not you IMHO.

BruFord · 21/12/2024 15:31

It’s very rude of your Dad, but he’s clearly trying to establish a relationship with his son and the Grandmother sounds elderly and frail-personally, I couldn’t turn them away.

I’d have a sharp word with your Dad about springing this on you last minute, but say that they can come. Make it clear that he can’t do this again though.

SheilaFentiman · 21/12/2024 15:38

I do wonder if the DGM - who must be in her 80s or possibly 90s - is onboard with the idea of spending a noisy Xmas with her former son in law and his second family, with a longish drive to get there, rather than having one on one time at her home with her DGS who usually lives abroad.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/12/2024 15:41

SheilaFentiman · 21/12/2024 15:38

I do wonder if the DGM - who must be in her 80s or possibly 90s - is onboard with the idea of spending a noisy Xmas with her former son in law and his second family, with a longish drive to get there, rather than having one on one time at her home with her DGS who usually lives abroad.

I’m wondering who will be doing this ‘drive’ to get a man who has no car and the grandmother who can’t drive?

Maybe the OP will be volunteered for that as well. I’m sure she won’t mind an hour drive to get time, an hour drive back to hers, then she can cook dinner for everyone, and not drink all day so she can have a two hour round trip in the evening to take them home again. After all, it is Christmas!

Pudmyboy · 21/12/2024 15:51

WickedlyCharmed · 21/12/2024 09:34

“That doesn’t work for me dad. I completely understand if you now want to go and spend the day with DB1 and his grandma though. Can you let me know asap what you’re doing”.

This sounds perfect!

Pudmyboy · 21/12/2024 15:53

Also OP you say you are one of 4 siblings, can one of the other two host them?

NeverKnowinglyUnderSweary · 21/12/2024 15:56

Methinks DF is CF.

snowlady4 · 21/12/2024 15:57

You're not unreasonable to say no but I would still say yes. We had all kinds to Christmas when I was growing up an its something I look back on quite fondly- knowing my parents were decent people who wouldn't see someone on their own.

September1013 · 21/12/2024 15:59

“Sorry but I can’t fit anyone else in at such short notice.”. That’s all you need.

Also “water under the bridge” means it’s all in the past and forgotten, from the rest of your OP it sounds like this isn’t actually the case with your father and brother?

SheilaFentiman · 21/12/2024 16:02

Pudmyboy · 21/12/2024 15:53

Also OP you say you are one of 4 siblings, can one of the other two host them?

OP’s DSis is certainly coming to op for Xmas. And possibly the other full sibling too (I think this is a brother)

B0RING · 21/12/2024 16:57

So the dad wants to feel better about being a terrible father for his eldest child, Yet he’s made no plans to see him at Christmas until a few days before.

And the brother is an addict and had been planning to spend the day with his own GM.

Now both of these men have changed their minds and the person who has to facilitate everything for them is, predictably, a woman. She needs to put as aside her own feeling and perhaps the welfare of her small children and her husband to do what these two men want.

And as well as shopping, cooking and cleaning for them, she has to monitor one man’s drinking and behaviour and then be prepared to throw him out the house if he transgresses. Presumably along with his elderly GM.

Yeah that’s a totally reasonable plan 🙄.

After all it’s Christmas, the time when women devote their lives to doing what other people want. Unlike the rest of the year ……….

Original poster
DeckchairsonTitanic · 21/12/2024 18:01

Sorry I’ve been out with my Mum all day. I’m going to try and answer some questions.
DF didn’t ask about DB1 before because DB1 lives abroad and hadn’t told anyone he was coming home for Christmas. It was a last minute change of plans according to my Mum today. This is very typical of him.
DF doesn’t like him being in London as he’s around “bad influences”. Hence if he’s in England DF wants to keep a close eye on him. None of us know if he’s really clean but I know (From what DF has said) that his GF had given him his final warning about drugs and that they would be over if he touched them. Then again he was at a pub last night.

DF and DB1’s grandmother get on fine as far as I’m aware.
My kids have met him before. They wouldn’t know who he was though, as they are fairly young. Some years we have seen him a few times. Some years we don’t see him at all.
Mum has agreed they can stay at theirs. And had asked me to be a gracious host so I guess that’s what we will be doing.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 21/12/2024 18:19

No. You’d have to buy extra presents, more food, 4 days’ notice is pretty outrageous.

Edit to say I see you’ve been told to do it. I’d be pretty cross at last minute invitations.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/12/2024 18:39

And had asked me to be a gracious host so I guess that’s what we will be doing.

So, your post asks if you are unreasonable in saying no, but because your mum has asked you to be a gracious host, you are going to do it?!

Why doesn’t she host?

itsjustbiology · 21/12/2024 18:48

Doesnt have to be that way at all OP. IF it doesnt sit right with you then you are more than entitled to say no in your own home. Your parents are something else really they are putting it all on you.I am sorry lovely.

Lurkingandlearning · 21/12/2024 18:50

Why can’t brother spend Christmas with his grandmother? Failing that,The simplest thing would be for your father to cancel visiting you and hosting his son and his grandmother.

It will be easier for you to use up the food he would have eaten than find two extra servings. I’m sure your family would miss having your father there but he has been put on the spot. Also, his coming to UK unexpectedly might be because his GF has found out he is using again, kept her word and kicked him out.

pinkdelight · 21/12/2024 19:07

So shit the mum asking (aka making/emotionally blackmailing) the daughter to be a "gracious host". I don't see the dad or the brother doing much hosting or anything graciously except imposing on others without much warning. Sure OP will go along with it and teach the generation of women their place in the world. Sigh.

Secondguess · 21/12/2024 19:26

Why can't mum and dad be the gracious hosts?

It's easy to tell others about the Christmas spirit, but this guy is an unpredictable addict, on a last warning from his girlfriend and with his dad trying to "keep him away from bad influences".

You don't need to fall into line.

CactusPat · 21/12/2024 19:48

Has he come home ‘last minute’ because he’s had a bender and the GF has dumped him?

Being told to put up and shut up would make me dig my heels in more. It’s your bloody house, your Christmas and your kids, and not your bloody problem.

ThisIsSockward · 21/12/2024 19:58

This would be a perfect storm of 'NO!' for me. The last-minute-ness, the awkward history, having to host someone I don't know at a once-yearly special family gathering, the guilt trip feeling of being the mean bad guy if you don't agree... I'd very much resent the person who put this upon me only a few days before Christmas, especially since it's not as though anyone involved will be sitting alone in the cold if they're not invited.

Yes, this man is OP's brother, but they don't have a close relationship, through no fault of her own. There's nothing stopping their from going to visit his first son another day while he's in the country, and tbh, I'd be so annoyed with him about the last-minute guilt trip that I don't think I'd mind if he went to London for Christmas instead.

Whattodowithelves · 21/12/2024 23:54

If your parents want to see him so much then they should be changing their plans to have the extra guests at theirs Christmas Day.
There is plenty of time to prepare for a Christmas meal for 4 people.

Op it sounds like you aren't able to say what you feel to your parents?

Scentedjasmin · 22/12/2024 09:53

I have a sister who is an alcoholic. Right now she is clean but in very fragile physical and mental health. Sadly she wants nothing to do with any family and friends. I've read up a lot about addiction, the low self esteem and the shame that goes along with it. If you were to have him over, show him kindness and normality, this could help his continued sobriety. He is your half brother afterall and it sounds like he's been sidelined given that you get on well with your other siblings. I would feel annoyed having extra guests at the last minute, particularly if i couldn't fully relax In their company, but I do feel as though Christmas is the season of coming together, generosity and kindness. His GM probably won't want to stay all day anyway.

Thursdaygirl · 22/12/2024 10:18

Um, why is it the OP's job to make up for the dad's shortcomings? Sounds like there's a tradition here (and in many people's minds) of women stepping up to cover for men. If OP doesn't do it, it's on her mum. The Brother and the Dad are the ones who have to be helped and catered for. In all honesty, fuck that. The OP deserves a nice Xmas too, not extra stress hosting more people than she has already planned to host, just because dad has been poor at planning (and a sub-standard parent in his past) and because Brother has his own problems. I don't see them being much help to the OP, just putting more pressure on her. But oh no, OP should order more food and be the warm welcoming hostess or she's the one being a grinch. Nah. OP, you keep your boundaries in good conscience. This is not your problem to solve. Bat it back to your dad

@pinkdelight excellent post