DF inviting extra guests to Christmas Day

[DeckchairsonTitanic]

Please tell me I am not being unreasonable here.
My dad has four children. An older son from his first marriage and then myself, another daughter and a son. My older brother (DB1) and my father didn’t have much contact until DB1 was in his late teens. There is quite a lot of water under the bridge and DF works quite hard to maintain a relationship with DB1. As siblings we have met him quite a few times but haven’t really got a meaningful relationship with him. DB1 has had endless problems with drink and drugs (been to rehab a few times. I’m not just talking about drinking in excess and a bit of coke at weekends)
I give all this as context as DF messaged me last night to ask if DB1 and his grandmother (no relation to us, have never met her) can join us for Christmas dinner. I am hosting. Myself and my sister have children under 5. According to DF, DB1 is sober and clean atm. We have heard this many times over the years. And that he has nowhere to go (Not strictly true as I know DB was originally planning to have Christmas just with his Grandmother). It is complicated by the fact that DB1 has been living abroad with a girlfriend so DF doesn’t see him often.
Am I being unreasonable to say guests can’t invite further guests 4 days before Christmas? Especially extra adults!

I’d say yes !

I’d say yes. Christmas is about giving, and family. Reunions and forgiveness are part of that.
Get a few extra vegetables, all the supermarkets are doing dirt cheap deals, add some extra sausage and then an extra couple to feed will be no hassle.
Just make it clear to your dad that if visitors misbehave they will be asked to leave.
Have a lovely day.

Water or alcohol free wine for brother or a nice juice.
I wouldn’t offer an addict alcohol Thats just the way it goes. Doesn’t mean to say they can’t have a family meal .

Say no, but make it clear you understand your father’s dilemma and say you really won’t mind if he decides to spend Christmas with his eldest elsewhere.

I think you need to make it clear to DDad that just as he is trying to do his best for his family by pushing to have them together at Christmas, you are trying to do the best for your family by being organised for the day and not throwing either people none of you know or an Uncle who claims to be sober but was in a pub last night into the mix.

It's a risk I don't blame you for not wanting to take.

Why has Dad only just decided this now?

I would say yes it's Christmas after all and Dad will presumably leave with him if he's badly behaved

Doesn’t sound like your dad has been a great dad to him either so nice to do more rather than less.

Um, why is it the OP's job to make up for the dad's shortcomings? Sounds like there's a tradition here (and in many people's minds) of women stepping up to cover for men. If OP doesn't do it, it's on her mum. The Brother and the Dad are the ones who have to be helped and catered for. In all honesty, fuck that. The OP deserves a nice Xmas too, not extra stress hosting more people than she has already planned to host, just because dad has been poor at planning (and a sub-standard parent in his past) and because Brother has his own problems. I don't see them being much help to the OP, just putting more pressure on her. But oh no, OP should order more food and be the warm welcoming hostess or she's the one being a grinch. Nah. OP, you keep your boundaries in good conscience. This is not your problem to solve. Bat it back to your dad.

Why? She knows there is young children there. She is willingly entering this house.

I had 9 coming fir lunch until todsy when it increased to 13. Its fine. Slightly inconvenient but i don't overthink it

What if he doesn't want the alternative, what do you say then? if he's out at the pub posting pictures on SM he's hardly likely to be pursuing sobriety. Get real.

Suddenly there's an awkwardness and the OP and her DH are having to police the situation.

I'm guessing from a lot of these responses that there's very little experience of dealing with serious addiction at Christmas. Just a fluffy ' but it's Christmas, how can you be so cruel' naivety.

If I had room and enough support around me I would say yes to family and extended family, it is what Christmas is all about for me - generosity and giving - even in difficult at times.

I would also not hesitate to promptly throw them back out if they didn't respect my family, my home or me and anything significant kicked off.

Sounds unlikely, as the GM would have to leave too, along with the OPs mum who would all have to share a lift.

I'm actually looking at it from the OPs DHs point of view. I wouldn't want my dysfunctional extended inlaws in my house potentially impacting my kids' Christmas and causing a scene. Especially when they could actually all spend Christmas at their own houses together if they choose too, so no one would be alone. No need to gate crash at the OPS house.

Actulay your comment ment is pretty ignorant to assume about posters . Maybe they prefer to give people at chance at Xmas and have some compassion in them. .

I would say yes to the invite and if he touched one drop he leaves . Father and grandmother would be informed and brother that one strike and out so then it’s brothers choice.

No I dont think it's ignorant. The absence of understanding what it means to put kids into a potentially volatile, highly charged emotional situation and add alcohol is quite baffling.

Compassion isn't actually required in this situation as no one will actually be alone on Christmas day so the hand wringing is totally unnecessary.

HTH

He can also turn up to family occasions completely off his head. yes, my dad said he is clean now but we have had the numerous times when he is clean for a period of time. He posted a picture on social media last night when he was very obviously in a pub.

I wouldn't do it. Not with small kids in the house.

All this twaddle about compassion..give over. You are saying OP and her family have to bend over backwards and possibly ruin their christmas for virtual strangers who are her dads baggage and not her own. If anyones to blame here its her dad for having a bloody stupid idea and only thinking of himself and how to absolve his own guilt at the cost of everyone else. Say No OP ..if your father turns dusty sod him he can go to theirs and you and your dh and the kids can have the day you deserve.

Given the drugs and alcohol and the small children I would say no, but you understand if your Dad would prefer to spend the day with your DB1 and his Grandmother instead of at yours.

This. We wouldn’t have room to suddenly feed two extra people.

Why can’t he cook for him and grandmother together they were presumably intending to until this plan was dreamt up.

If your dad wants to host everyone then fine-you can go to his instead, then you can leave if you want to.

If your brother is saying he’s sober but was in the pub last night, following a pp’s idea of saying he’s can come but leaves if he has a drop would make me really stressed. I wouldn’t want to host plus police that. Everyone will say, ‘oh but it’s Christmas’

I would go to my dad’s if he was hosting and had invited brother but this is unreasonable.

I'd say yes. He's family,

Your enjoyment of the day will be a bit diminished, but you could make two people very happy indeed.

I would tell your dad that he needs to stay completely sober, in the event of an incident, so that he can drive them both home at a moment's notice and their invite is conditional upon this.

I meant to ask what you replied to your dad this morning, @DeckchairsonTitanic ?

If you haven't got room you can't. If you don't want to you don't have to. I do feel it is sad for your brother, you and your other two siblings had your dad in your lives from the beginning I think, big brother missed out so it would be nice to get to know him better. Maybe Christmas isn't the time for that or maybe it is.

One positive is your dad did ask and didn't just turn up with them.

If you say no might your dad decide to have them at his and then you won't have dad and maybe mum with you?

Why should Ops day be forced to be diminished for the sake of having to make someone else happy? How bizarre a way of thinking. Is OP not as worthy as the other two,one of whom she has never met? I would suggest Op is way more worthy.She is not an addict who needs supervision nor is she a carer for an old lady who she has never clapped eyes on. She is a wife and mother and her first responsibility is to her own dh and children and her own happiness with them.

It’s a difficult situation. If you have room and the food will stretch or you can fill it out with extra side dishes and aren’t completely against the idea yourself, I’d consider ringing your brother and talking to him. Get a sense of where he’s at but only after first speaking to your mother - does she want your father’s ex-MIL there? It will partly depend on why she’s his ex-MIL and the timing of when your parents met etc.

Good luck! Hope you find a peaceful solution, even if it’s not meeting up on Christmas Day itself when no transport is running

They would not be able to come for part of the day. We live an hours drive from London where DB1 is staying and he doesn’t have a car in England and his Grandmother is too old to drive.

@DeckchairsonTitanic could you suggest DB1 hires a car to drive himself and his DGM the one hour to your house? That way he won't be able to drink as he's driving, and your dad can legitimately keep telling him no alcohol should he reach for any drink other than soft drinks. And you can make him leave when you're ready by saying 'thanks for coming and goodbye' to the DGM when you're ready, then he'll have to comply and drive her home.

Who knows - he really might be clean and dry this time. Or if there's doubt about his sober status given the recent pub photos, tell him to suck up the expense and book an uber both ways.

I think this is it.

If he pushes back, you could add that you're also saying no because of likely tension about whether DB1 might fall off the wagon, and the possible impact on your kids if that did happen ('God forbid' etc etc). You hope he'll be able to accept your decision without pushing it further under the circs. Lovely to see DB another time with a bit more notice etc

You have the right to say no. However personally I find it sad that you're looking for justifications to not have these people when the reason is obviously that you just don't like them. What do you actually think Xmas is really about?