DF inviting extra guests to Christmas Day

[DeckchairsonTitanic]

Please tell me I am not being unreasonable here.
My dad has four children. An older son from his first marriage and then myself, another daughter and a son. My older brother (DB1) and my father didn’t have much contact until DB1 was in his late teens. There is quite a lot of water under the bridge and DF works quite hard to maintain a relationship with DB1. As siblings we have met him quite a few times but haven’t really got a meaningful relationship with him. DB1 has had endless problems with drink and drugs (been to rehab a few times. I’m not just talking about drinking in excess and a bit of coke at weekends)
I give all this as context as DF messaged me last night to ask if DB1 and his grandmother (no relation to us, have never met her) can join us for Christmas dinner. I am hosting. Myself and my sister have children under 5. According to DF, DB1 is sober and clean atm. We have heard this many times over the years. And that he has nowhere to go (Not strictly true as I know DB was originally planning to have Christmas just with his Grandmother). It is complicated by the fact that DB1 has been living abroad with a girlfriend so DF doesn’t see him often.
Am I being unreasonable to say guests can’t invite further guests 4 days before Christmas? Especially extra adults!

If I had room I would.
Maybe on the proviso to DF that he takes them back to his immediately if there is any unacceptable behaviour.

I would have them, with no real issue. I have a sister who usually turns up with an extra person or two (that we possibly have never met) often with no prior warning. She usually brings some food, which helps.

I've been hosting Christmas for over 20 years, so 2 extra people wouldn't throw me - although I'd maybe need to check that I have enough pulling crackers as they are for every individual.

OP has posted at least 4 times and not mentioned lack of space, so I assume this isn't a consideration.

I'd ask my dad to not bring him on the day (or take him home) if he's not sober or would object to others drinking, but otherwise they'd be welcome.

I think they are family (including your brother's grandmother), it would make my dad happy and It's the season of goodwill.

I don't think it's rude or unreasonable of your father to ask the question - he's not asking to bring a random stranger, he's asking to bring his son and his grandma. And he's asked, he hasn't just turned up with them on the day.
If it doesn't work for you then say no, but no need to turn it into a drama. People are so quick to take offence these days.
If it was me I'd say yes, but I happily host. A couple of extras isn't much, I'd ask them to bring a contribution, maybe an extra pudding or something. And if needs be you could make it clear to your dad that if any off behaviour you will ask them to leave.

For those saying, if he starts misbehaving then ask him to leave, the OP and her sister have very young children under the age of 5. Imagine how scary it would be for very little kids to witness a family fall out on Christmas day. That isn't to be taken lightly just because its Christmas day and everyone wants a hallmark moment.

The OP doesn't go into specifics but she alludes to very serious addiction and behavioural issues. This isn't a decision to be taken lightly when very young children are in the mix.

If he kicks off and refuses to leave, what then?

Don't be guilt tripped OP. You know your brothers history. Weigh up all the scenarios before you make a decision.

It's Christmas, a bit of charity! or is there really no room at the inn/home/your heart?

Why should their whole Christmas day be spend pandering to a drug addict?

Charity begins at home with child welfare as the priority.

If they don’t come to Op’s house, an adult man spends Xmas day with his grandmother at her house. He’s not at the soup kitchen or sleeping on a park bench.

OP, have your children ever met your half brother or their grandad’s ex MIL?

@stupidorsheltered

Vast majority of my patients will not see family at Christmas and it’s just a bit shit. It perpetuates that cycle of anger and self loathing.

He will be with his grandmother (and almost certainly seeing his dad some other time over the festive period). He’s not alone.

Honestly, I think anyone hosting Xmas has every right to say no to two extra at the table/on the sofas etc with 4 days of notice, especially when they have never met one of the two. This is regardless of addiction issues.

Charity is about taking in strangers not just your mates.
With a house full of people where is the danger to the children?

I would be asking your dad why he thinks upsetting the family dynamic at christmas would be a fair thing to do.He is obviously not thinking straight and trying to be the saviour dad. I think its a bit too late in the day for that. Tell dad to stop being so selfish, non of this is your fault or your issues to deal with.

I would do this, but I’ve had people that I’ve never met for Christmas dinner before. Honestly how much trouble could they be over lunch? You don’t have to have them for the entire day. Doesn’t sound like your dad has been a great dad to him either so nice to do more rather than less.

Again - “ taking in”?? They have a place to be, they do not need charity.

You don’t have to have them for the entire day.

OP has said the DGM lives some distance away and that neither she nor the bro will be driving on the day. Which means that DF and DM would have to leave when they left, if they were not staying for the whole day.

I ink this is a lovely sentiment but how the hell do you tell them to leave after lunch?You can't chuck people out after that, that would be the height of rudeness.

You should let them come. Your dad has a lot of ground to make up after a childhood of no contact

No to the Christmas Day but perhaps a meet up with him and his mother in the new year away from home so that you can assess if he really is clean and if there is any bother you can simply leave.

It's not the OPs job to make up for her dad's parenting failures, don't be daft.

If he really wants to make amends he can go and visit his son on Christmas day, not once again force his failings on someone else.

Why is it that its always the women's job to make up for a man's failings!

It's really not going to impact you greatly. Isn't that what christmas is about?

Children shouldn't have to witness bad behaviour of adults or someone being thrown out of their safe space if behaving badly.

Not all danger to kids is physical.

Not sure how far this thread has moved on but I'd have to say that I was sorry but you've factored in enough food for the guests you have already invited and no more. He's welcome to have them over to his place for breakfast or leave your place earlier than expected and have them for a light supper but they can't come to yours for food.

That would be my advice.

This option I think.
it seems a bit hard hearted to say no, but you shouldn't be on tenterhooks about DBs behaviour.

It would impact me quite a lot to host an elderly lady I had never met before, who was my dad’s ex MIL, trying to make sure that she wasn’t overwhelmed by the pre schoolers, for example, whilst still sorting out lunch etc. And OP already has quite the houseful with siblings, niblings and parents.

Yeah… but this won’t solve any tenterhooks. What if DF doesn’t think the behaviour is bad enough to leave, for example? What if there is bad behaviour and a scene in front of the kids when DF says it’s time to go?