DF inviting extra guests to Christmas Day

[DeckchairsonTitanic]

Please tell me I am not being unreasonable here.
My dad has four children. An older son from his first marriage and then myself, another daughter and a son. My older brother (DB1) and my father didn’t have much contact until DB1 was in his late teens. There is quite a lot of water under the bridge and DF works quite hard to maintain a relationship with DB1. As siblings we have met him quite a few times but haven’t really got a meaningful relationship with him. DB1 has had endless problems with drink and drugs (been to rehab a few times. I’m not just talking about drinking in excess and a bit of coke at weekends)
I give all this as context as DF messaged me last night to ask if DB1 and his grandmother (no relation to us, have never met her) can join us for Christmas dinner. I am hosting. Myself and my sister have children under 5. According to DF, DB1 is sober and clean atm. We have heard this many times over the years. And that he has nowhere to go (Not strictly true as I know DB was originally planning to have Christmas just with his Grandmother). It is complicated by the fact that DB1 has been living abroad with a girlfriend so DF doesn’t see him often.
Am I being unreasonable to say guests can’t invite further guests 4 days before Christmas? Especially extra adults!

I'd say yes. He's family,
Your enjoyment of the day will be a bit diminished, but you could make two people very happy indeed.

Why on earth must women be saints, here to make sub-standard men happy??? OP is family too. Who is offering to host her and do all the extra work to make her very happy indeed? No fucker. They're content to put more pressure on her to please themselves!

Do you have the space to have them round? If not, that’s your answer. If you do, then how much of a hassle will it be to squeeze them in? You could ask your dad to contribute to the cost (which should be standard anyway when you’re going to a family member’s house for Christmas dinner, but that’s a whole other discussion!)

What’s the relevancy of the kids ages? Are you worried he’s a danger to them? If so, then that’s another out you can use.

How would they be hoping to get to yours and back again then?

Exactly! I can see it now playing out for OP bless her. Hide the alcohol from everyone, no one can have any for it might tempt him..Give Jean the best seat so she is comfy, tell the kids to be quiet, feed the men first to stretch the food..all whilst OPs father is sat there revelling in his joy unbridled at his bringing his first and second family together in joyous harmony whilst accepting OP has to suck it up and endure a diminished day as she should. .I would hazard a guess most modern women would say no fuck this for a laugh.

I am jumping on impractical suggestions

So let him do that, she's not running some kind of centre where dads meet their kids for contact.

It's a bit short notice but how would he be being around people drinking? Obviously with young DC there nobody will be getting absolutely pissed. But can he be trusted? How long has he been sober?

But if you do say no you will likely never get have a relationship with him.

Everyone is worthy.

Worthiness is not conferred upon your fellow human, simply because they are known to you.

This bloke is her half-brother. It would make her dad happy to have him there.

If it turns out that he is not actually currently sober and causes any hint of problem, the dad can drive him straight home.

But if you do say no you will likely never get have a relationship with him.

Eh? Why? Because she said no to and extra two guests at Xmas with 4 days notice?

Dbro may not even know she has been asked!

Two extra adults at four days' notice would be a polite No from me. If DB1 has been living abroad, how does your father know he's clean atm? Has your DF spent any time with DB1 recently to know this for sure?
DB1 and his grand-mother won't be alone as they have each other. And if they aren't able to cook for themselves (or don't want to) they can go out for lunch at a pub.
Hope you get the family Christmas you want OP. 😊

It is interesting, on another thread a poster was asking why women make themselves martyrs at Christmas.

I think the answer is a lot of women pressure other women into towing the line. Like a form of internalised misogyny.

'It is Christmas after all..' is the catch all phrase to guilt trip people into behaving against their better judgement. It also let's people virtue signal how amazing they are and how awful you are.

Examples:

It will make your dad happy
He's your family
You may not have a relationship with him if you don't do what is asked of you.

Fear
Obligation
Guilt

You can see why the Stately Homes thread is so full. A lot of that manipulative behaviour on this thread.

I would say no because having extra people would stress me out. But I would suggest to your Dad that he has him at his house. After all, it sounds like he’s been a crap Dad and has a lot to make up for. Was your mum the OW? If so, she has a lot to make up for too.

So you should never socialise with addicts - even sober ones? I understand addiction. Its incredibly isolating. And if it was someone I loved or even someone who my loved one loved, then I'd be more than happy to have a completely dry Christmas to facilitate this. And noone is saying don't have boundaries. But if you are suggesting that alcoholics and addicts should never be invited to any family or social gathering ever, then we need to disagree. You do you. If you are happy to exclude addicts for evermore then that's up to you. It's not what I would do.

If you have the space and the food
If they have somewhere to stay ( that’s the overnight hosts decision and not on you )
Then why not as this is a close relation.
when I read the title of the thread I thought you meant a random friend

That's not what I'm saying and you know it.

Only if you're trolling a frazzled OP on Mumsnet.

I've had experience of alcoholics and mostly they are just waiting for an excuse to start drinking again.

Oh if they are coming to stay then no!. For a couple of hours yes.

@LadyMargaretPoledancer
i understand the 'dynamics of addiction' as you put it. I am speaking as someone who comes from a family of addicts. And if he is genuinely sober then I would have him.

This.

I would say yes. I'm a bit of a pushover admittedly but I would think it would be a nice gesture

If he is genuinely sober, that's the key here.

Given that he's been posting pictures of himself in the pub on social media the night before this request it's unlikely.

Knowing that he wasn't actively pursuing sobriety, what would your decision be now you know he potentially isn't sober?

It's a risk that the OP is being asked to take, with very small children around.

You know how addiction is really put to the test under key stressors, Christmas being one of the biggest. If he's already slipping the risk increases.

I think you ignore any pressures and go with your gut. You either feel it's not appropriate or you don't want him/extra guests and say it's a bit too much for you to cope with, or you're half happy with him to come but ask DF to make it clear he's not to turn up already having had a drink or anything else - if there will be drinks, say so, but you don't want anything drunk, so drinks will be limited.

I think if you are hosting the family Christmas then he should be allowed to come. You are not hosting "your" private event. You are hosting the family's event, which they are a part of, for better or for worse.

I wouldn't enjoy having them there, but I would open the doors.

Sympathies though!

Fair enough. Honestly though, I thought the drip feed from OP about the pic of him on social media just sounded like an excuse. If she genuinely believes he isn't sober then no, she shouldn't have him. If he is, I would have him. I don't know how she actually finds that out though .

@LadyMargaretPoledancer

it's her brother not some random person