DF inviting extra guests to Christmas Day

[DeckchairsonTitanic]

Please tell me I am not being unreasonable here.
My dad has four children. An older son from his first marriage and then myself, another daughter and a son. My older brother (DB1) and my father didn’t have much contact until DB1 was in his late teens. There is quite a lot of water under the bridge and DF works quite hard to maintain a relationship with DB1. As siblings we have met him quite a few times but haven’t really got a meaningful relationship with him. DB1 has had endless problems with drink and drugs (been to rehab a few times. I’m not just talking about drinking in excess and a bit of coke at weekends)
I give all this as context as DF messaged me last night to ask if DB1 and his grandmother (no relation to us, have never met her) can join us for Christmas dinner. I am hosting. Myself and my sister have children under 5. According to DF, DB1 is sober and clean atm. We have heard this many times over the years. And that he has nowhere to go (Not strictly true as I know DB was originally planning to have Christmas just with his Grandmother). It is complicated by the fact that DB1 has been living abroad with a girlfriend so DF doesn’t see him often.
Am I being unreasonable to say guests can’t invite further guests 4 days before Christmas? Especially extra adults!

Your OP was perfectly sensible -you sounded like you had said no to your dad and were just checking you weren’t being unreasonable.

But your mum has told you to ‘be a gracious host’ and now you’re going to do it?!

Why?

Reading your last update op it sounds like you've been coerced into it do best of luck! I hope DB1 behaves himself and it all goes ok!

I would guess that OP's mum will be the one in the hot seat dealing with the wayward son on Christmas Day if she doesn't, so OP has decided to bite the bullet.

Hmmm. Nice of the OP’s mum to guilt trip her into hosting dinner for everyone so that she (or her DH!) doesn’t have to.

It’s entirely up to you. Say no and be firm about it. But I wouldn’t go into too much detail about why you don’t want them there. Or you could embrace the Christmas spirit and open your doors to someone who might otherwise have a dull Christmas. No one should be judging you whatever you decide.

This why do people have to be so precious about sharing. Such an English thing to do.

I would say no.
We are having PIL plus DH's grandma (in her 90s), us our 3 DC (all under 10) and my single male cousin (who is much older than me and single and lovely). He is staying with us Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and going up to friends in Aberdeen on Boxing Day. It's all sorted and organised. We all get on and it will be lovely
My aunt, 93, who lives in extra-care accommodation about 10 minutes drive away, and meets every definition of a narcissist, asked me yesterday if she can come too. She has already paid £55 to have a Christmas lunch and tea with other residents where she lives- been arranged for months and is a lovely occasion. I have made it clear for months she is not invited to our house. She will make everything about her, moan continually, can not manage the bathroom hygienically, does not like the noise the children make, is jealous of DH's grandma, and will expect to be collected at a time that suits her and returned at a time that suits her. She also has to be given morphine and other medication regularly throughout the day.
I said no yesterday. I just said it was all arranged, that we would be going out for a walk before lunch and that there are stairs to the bathrooms. She was most put out. She then did the same thing with her sister who is in her 80s and lives 20 miles away- and expected that her sister's disabled husband would collect her and return her (4 x 20 miles journeys) and they would take her with them to her sister's niece's house for lunch. Her sister said no. She then cried, said no one cares about her, that she will kill herself, her life is not worth living, she has lost the use of her legs completely (absolutely untrue), that she has decided to stay in bed all day and will not attend her Christmas lunch with her friends and will likely die alone at some point during the day.
I don't feel guilty at all. I am kind, tolerant, helpful and caring to her 99% of the time. She has visitors 5 days a week and a team of onsite carers who visit her at least 4 times a day and treat her really well. She has friends there and they are all together in a beautiful lounge for the day.
I'd bet a month's salary she will ring 111 and 999 during the day demanding attention and saying she is dying. She is known to them as a very regular caller and they 'manage' her with the help of the onsite carers.

"This why do people have to be so precious about sharing. Such an English thing to do."

Why not tell us your nationality so we can make over generalised, xenophobic and snide comments about your 'national quirks' eh?

I was born and grew up in England so I guess I’m English. My parents were immigrants, we always had an open house at Christmas as far as I could remember our large extended family were always made welcome.

I would welcome them. We have often had extras and randoms at Christmas. Our dc have always liked it when there are guests bustling around and new people to talk to. Anyone is welcome here.

We never plan too much in advance though; we don’t order all the food in advance or plan things to the hilt, and usually do the big food shop on Christmas Eve as it’s often only then that we know who is actually going to turn up! It’s a bit chaotic, but it keeps it exciting and we’re the sort of people who go with the flow.

But if that’s not how you roll, then it’s totally your prerogative to say no, without feelings of guilt. Especially if all the load will fall on you. We share it equally here.

TBH I can understand OP capitulating to the emotional coercion from her mother. Family dynamics are hard. But in this case - if she goes ahead- the OP should make it very clear to her parents that if he turns up off his head that THEY will be expected to remove him from the OPs home and out of the way of her children and will be responsible for him. Even if that means they have to leave in the middle of the meal.

But also... this stood out. Her father wants to keep an eye on him when he is in England. THis is a nonsense. The man is a grown man who lives abroad. It's not for the Father to nanny him or chaperone him in any way. It's not his responsibility and if keeping an eye on him means the OP has to be put in an awkward or downright dangerous situation then its completely inappropriate.