DF inviting extra guests to Christmas Day

[DeckchairsonTitanic]

Please tell me I am not being unreasonable here.
My dad has four children. An older son from his first marriage and then myself, another daughter and a son. My older brother (DB1) and my father didn’t have much contact until DB1 was in his late teens. There is quite a lot of water under the bridge and DF works quite hard to maintain a relationship with DB1. As siblings we have met him quite a few times but haven’t really got a meaningful relationship with him. DB1 has had endless problems with drink and drugs (been to rehab a few times. I’m not just talking about drinking in excess and a bit of coke at weekends)
I give all this as context as DF messaged me last night to ask if DB1 and his grandmother (no relation to us, have never met her) can join us for Christmas dinner. I am hosting. Myself and my sister have children under 5. According to DF, DB1 is sober and clean atm. We have heard this many times over the years. And that he has nowhere to go (Not strictly true as I know DB was originally planning to have Christmas just with his Grandmother). It is complicated by the fact that DB1 has been living abroad with a girlfriend so DF doesn’t see him often.
Am I being unreasonable to say guests can’t invite further guests 4 days before Christmas? Especially extra adults!

They're not planning on moving in. It's one day. It would make your dad happy. Its what Christmas is about. I would say yes. We've had Christmases where we had to eat on our knees because the people are the most important thing about the day, not the food, not the beautiful table, not the gifts. Has he ever given you any reason to believe that he or his gran are a danger to small children?

Can you talk to your mum to get some more background on this? Has the grandmother not got food in, or is not up to cooking? (Funny how it's passed from woman to woman to do the work, not his actual dad who in theory is the one to be stepping in 🤨) I'd want to make sure they can stay at your parents' that night and you won't end up with extra overnight guests as well.

DB is an addict, he may not be physically dangerous but addicts are known for volatile behaviour and could be upsetting for the DCs on what should be a special and lovely day for them.

I would day to DF that if you tell him that he needs to take DB away, that's what he does. Get him to repeat it so you know he has understood.
it is a big ask. If it was two totally random people, it might be different, but there is so much history there and chance of things going wrong. Your DF was selfish to ask, but feels like that is probably par for the course.

So how would you serve alcohol in front of him then given that he's an addict.

What would you do if he has a glass...

Then another glass...

Then another one

What's the problem it's only Christmas?!

Meanwhile OP and importantly her DH as well are watching the situation deteriorate in front of them, behaviour starts to change, things start getting tense. People start to argue trying to get him to stop, he gets aggressive and a scene kicks off in front of very small children who will remember Uncle falling drunk into the Xmas tree or trying to take a swing at their dad.

Situation is much worse than it was before with everyone upset and unhappy, but hey Dad got his way so that's okay then.

So many naive posters on here who are trying to virtue signal without understanding the dynamics of addiction or family estrangement.

I personally would not have someone I haven't met for Christmas day. Nor would I someone who's on and off drugs around my kids on Christmas.

It would spoil the day for my kids, as they wouldn't feel comfortable and nor would I.
Extra food, drink, seats at the table.

You're not unreasonable to say no.

Has the grandmother not got food in, or is not up to cooking?

Ooh, I can solve this one - DBro gets food in for him and grandma and cooks it.

I don’t really see what OP’s mum has to do with this. I see what you are getting at, but dragging her in isn’t very fair

I would be having a conversation with my mum to find out what she was thinking. If possible, I would go look her in the eye and ask her.

If she has already said yes, and hosting at mine made life easier, I would agree, with the caveat that one step out of line with respect to drugs or alcohol, and DB1 would be out on his ear.

But if she was really hoping I would say No, so they pair stayed in London, then I would be happy to be the bad guy, and just refuse.

Fair points and of course he should be able to do that, as could the dad too. I don't think OP should feel obliged to do this at all. I do think that if she does, she should check what arrangements are possible as failsafes.

I would have them over.

They're family. He's clean. She's elderly. And your dad likely won't come if they're not included.

Ask your dad to have some additional food items and treats delivered to cover the extra guests.

So would I. He’s not going to turn up stoned or drunk but if he does just don’t let him in.

Well she is hosting everyone. So the ‘work’ was agree a while back. I would do this for any of my half siblings if asked

You don't know he's clean, especially as he's posting pictures of himself out drinking in the pub on social media.

I think your reasonable either way. It's short notice and only you know if you have space and it would cause problems.
But Christmas is about family, kindness and making room at your table. I think it's a great example to children to have extra people who might be alone if they weren't with you. I feel quite sad it's the first year in ages we don't have any random extras!

That's not the work I'm talking about.

I'm talking about accommodating a potentially volatile situation because her dad can't be bothered to do it himself.

Her dad could easily host his son himself and deal with any fall out but he doesn't want to. So my point stands, her dad is pushing the problem and possible family fall out onto his daughter.

He can be really fun to spend time with. He can also turn up to family occasions completely off his head

No. He has a serious drug and alcohol addiction. I wouldn’t have him over when you have a house full of family and small children, it’s an occasion where drinking is the norm so there’s plenty of alcohol around and there are a lot of expensive presents lying around.

Ask your dad to have some additional food items and treats delivered to cover the extra guests.

Good luck dad getting a delivery slot for food this close to Xmas.

I would definitely do this ( sounds like he has been through a lot)
On the condition that if there is a HINT of him being high your father takes him straight back to his house without any fuss. In fact he would confirm before even coming to your house that db is fine.

Christmas time is about exactly this for me op, extending love and goodwill to others, and no one needs this more than your half sibling. He is still family, and being supported and cared for will be good for his recovery - Christmas alone with just his granny might have the opposite effect.

When I was young my father often invited random people he knew would be on their own to join us, he had a small business and was very friendly with his customers. We always found this interesting and quite exciting. I hope you find it in yourself to extend a bit of Christmas good-will, OP.

He could go to an actual shop perhaps 🤔

'Sorry at such short notice it's a no. It would be lovely to catch up with everyone for a meal/ drinks after Christmas so we can all see each other'.

They would be welcome at ours if it our situation

How is that going to work? He arrives with DF, his DGM/DF’s ex MIL and OP’s DM - and OP says, “nah, you are pissed, hop it mate - no car, no train ticket, you can just hang around the bus stop for 8h until we’ve all finished and then DF can take you home”

Also- if db1 turned up drunk / off his face look at the drama that could cause.
Christmas ruined and the dc would be aware of it all and remember it.

Not worth the risk.

He could, but the poster suggested delivery.

The replies all about the nobility of charity blah blah are often ignoring practical aspects. This was one.

ETA others are those suggesting OP turns him away/boots him out on the day when the transport situation has been made clear by OP

I assume, as he is clean, he won’t. You seem to be jumping on everyone who says they would host him.