If you want your kids to feel comfortable in middle & upper class environments now & when older what would you do to help them?

[Treetops11]

My parents instilled an inferiority complex in me when I was young. We lived in an undesirable estate & they always spoke about people getting ideas above their station , referred to people as "the lawyers son", "doctors daughter " etc... opportunities were never for people like us.

I now have my own kids 13, 11 & 8 , I never want them feeling lesser. We are comfortable but I always feel embarrassed in
middle class company as if I'm an imposter.

How can I equip my kids to fit in anywhere with all walks of life? It truely is an amazing skill to have.

Enough self-esteem for them not to care what class of company they're in.

And how can I build that in them?

Encourage them to be themselves and not who others want them to be.

Lots of opportunity to gain confidence, meeting different people through extra curricular stuff. Depending on where you live there can be lots of free/low cost opportunities to do this.

If your children (and you) are well mannered then that's a head start. I think the value of cultural capital should never be underestimated - visiting galleries, museums, cinema etc. Reading widely. You don't need to spend hours visiting galleries - maybe just pop in and look at a couple of paintings and ask your kids questions.
Opportunities are for everyone - learn to recognise them and encourage your children to take them even if they think they'll hate it - they don't have to go back but they'll learn something else about themselves.

Tell them they are just fine being themselves and not to think that MC or UC people are superior to them.

Teach them to value themselves and their own worth.
Also teaching them good manners , kindness , how to speak clearly and not use slang when it's not appropriate.
Remind them it's not how much you earn that matters, it's what you do with it.

I've heard about the value of 'cultural capital', so make sure your kids feel comfortable in museums, art galleries, theatres etc. I think it's so sad that whole groups of people feel uncomfortable in those places.
Encourage them to have an opinion about things and be able to articulately discuss with others. Read books so they have things to talk about & make that confident small talk. Get them comfortable speaking with adults, looking them in the eye etc. I think self confidence goes a huge way, nothing to do with class.

I know exactly what you mean. I feel out of place at ‘posh’ events and worry about what people think of me in certain situations yet my husband - privately educated - doesn’t give a hoot what people think of him and feels comfortable everywhere.

With the DC, it’s trying to build in a sense of confidence in their own skin but also giving them the social skills to fit in wherever they find themselves. I’m very interested in what people feel helps develop these skills. It’s very easy to say ‘just don’t care what people think’ but how do you build that attitude?

Teach them good manners. Table manners count. Being polite counts.

A big part of feeling comfortable in a situation is knowing how to behave appropriately.

Snap @ginslinger

I think you've identified what you want to avoid doing. Try not to be embarrassed about your home or your car or your holidays etc. Welcome others regardless of class. If your children's friends come round treat them the same no matter what their background is. Offer them the same type of food as you would normally have or things most kids like.

Teach them how to talk in a friendly way to everyone, from the person they buy a burger from to their boss's boss's boss.

How to look people in the eye and really listen to them.

How to question, disagree and challenge other viewpoints respectfully.

What is and isn't appropriate behaviour and appearance in different situations.

Table manners!

Could not disagree more with the "just be yourself" brigade. Your self needs to interact with others in ways that don't impinge on others' rights to the same.

I am solid MC but I hope I have always spoken positively of people whatever their situations in life. My Dad is a bit of a social climber and would often subtly put people down.
I’ve always been so conscious (and I hope, genuinely authentic) in showing my kids that everyone has value - eg if they say their old school friend works in Tesco they get exactly the same response as if old school friend is now a doctor - oh great, do they enjoy it?
I hope that this builds self esteem in that, it doesn’t matter what you do, where you live etc - being a fairly decent person is what matters.

Well my DH is a first gen working class immigrant from a poor country. His parents were very keen on hard work and a good education. So he did that and got a great degree and subsequently a great job. Now he is at home everywhere.

Basically unless you are part of the middle class you won’t feel totally comfortable around them. The middle classes and society look down on working class people in so many ways so even if you try to instil confidence in wc kids they will still often feel like outsiders. Education and doing well at school is a good one though.

Yes like @ginslinger I've immersed mine in all sorts so they feel comfortable - theatre, afternoon tea, museum, 'posh' shops etc. I refuse to allow my mum to say 'oh you can't afford this' to me if we go in to Fenwicks for example (1. She doesn't know my finances and 2. I refuse to allow anyone to make a judgement). Really nice recently that my 20 year old took a date to the west end and was completely comfortable.
I see online people asking what to wear etc and I'm pleased I've done that bit.

My mum often feels like places aren't for the likes of her which I feel sad about, she actually grew up MC but after a parental death as a teen her life just took one bad turn after another.

I make sure to take DD to theatres and art galleries, we talk about current affairs, we do lots of city breaks and although we might stay in Premier Inn level accomodation as that's what we can afford we experience alot. This means that she has alot to talk about and generally feels like she fits in everywhere.

Teach them not to aspire to be like anyone who looks down on them because they are not MC enough.

Just treat everyone the same and they'll expect everyone to treat them the same.

And don't give then preconceived ideas about people just because of their accent or where they live.

Well, the obvious answer is surely to have middle- or upper-class children.

More seriously, you need to discard your own inferiority complex. I get that you were brought up to think people higher up the social ladder were superior, but you can rid yourself of that, with effort, and should. You're not obliged to be the person your parents taught you to be.

My parents' idea of the worst sin was 'getting above yourself', thought staying in school past 15 was 'not for the likes of us' and that university was 'only for rich people', but I still stayed in school and got scholarships to university. I have friends from my original social environment and UMC and UC friends from university. Going home with them in the vac was a real eye-opener, as you can imagine, for a girl who was ten before we got an indoor toilet.

But the best thing you can do for your children is model social confidence. If you walk into a 'middle-class environment' (though not entirely sure what kinds of environment you mean) feeling embarrassed, it will show, and your children will pick up on it.

I think doing something like a sport really helps. People from all backgrounds do all sorts of sports and the proper clubs often do events like awards nights so you get used to formal events, plus you get to meet loads of people at different competitions/matches so it gives you confidence to talk to all ages of people, bit in a structured environment. The cricket, hockey, tennis and swim clubs round here are all like that. Other clubs might be but I haven't been involved.

Cadet forces when older are the same. The do loads of activities around communicating with each other.

My parents were WC but we always went to museums, galleries, lots of different sports and extra curricular activities etc. We also went to restaurants of all levels and learned how to be comfortable and behave in all. Mostly though, hard work, education and effort were prioritised and also kindness etc. No barriers to what you could try to achieve.

DF’s family in particular were like yours - don’t get above yourself etc. It’s a sad mentality. His family never really forgave my DM for making him move to the ‘posh’ end of town, when it was both of their choices when they started to do well in their business.

I'll tell him to stay off Mumsnet for starters.

Nobody else is lying awake giving a shit in this day and age.

If you are a working class PoC, education is your friend and often your only way up. This is why Asian and African parents are so obsessed with education.