If you want your kids to feel comfortable in middle & upper class environments now & when older what would you do to help them?

[Treetops11]

My parents instilled an inferiority complex in me when I was young. We lived in an undesirable estate & they always spoke about people getting ideas above their station , referred to people as "the lawyers son", "doctors daughter " etc... opportunities were never for people like us.

I now have my own kids 13, 11 & 8 , I never want them feeling lesser. We are comfortable but I always feel embarrassed in
middle class company as if I'm an imposter.

How can I equip my kids to fit in anywhere with all walks of life? It truely is an amazing skill to have.

What? Tell them that they're just people and you don't have to ape them to bring the same value to the table.

Drama or public speaking skills are great for confidence building.

Give them experiences that help them to understand that the nice things are for them.

• Nice meals out, including the occasional fine dining experience. Including dressing up.
• Nice meals in. Sit down, laid table, best crockery, dressed up.
• Cultural trips. Museums, galleries, theatre, concerts (not just popular music, but include that too).
• Multicultural experiences.
• Encourage art and expression, to understand that their contributions are valid.

My parents came from very working class backgrounds, yet found themselves firmly in the 1980s middle class through hard work and promotions. They went out of their way to ensure that as children we knew our table manners, how to behave with adults, and exposed us to culture. Pretty much the above list, but maybe not quite as multicultural in the '80s as I'd hope someone with the similar attitude would be today.

Teach them to look adults in the eye from a young age and to always say hello, goodbye and thank you.
Teach them how to start a conversation and model how to pick up on the other person's body language and verbals as to how much to speak, how much to listen and how to be good company.
Teach them how to greet people from all walks of life, and how to watch to see what's the "right" way if not sure, eg hand shake, double kiss, hug, other.
Teach them table manners including which knife and fork to use
Insist on whole family meals, conversation at meal times.
Teach them about money, and tax, and property and investments.
Teach them what to wear to different situations.
Teach them that they can achieve whatever they work for.

Those are just a few of the things that UMC kids will be taught every day, and the mums are unwavering - the 4 year olds will be held by the shoulders and asked to "look at Mrs Jones and say thank you for your play date".
It sounds old fashioned and there will be plenty who say "be yourself", but if you want to fit in everywhere, these are some of the skills.

I'm in the same position.

A lot of it comes naturally - my mindset is very different from my parents now around careers/money/opportunity. This obviously leads to healthier conversations when DS asks about lawyers or doctors or hairdressers, and I make sure to keep the conversation going.

Culture and experiences are also a huge plus. We love museums (I'm not actually that huge a museum person, but there's so much for kids) and DS is comfortable as part of tours (museum/historical/new cities) asking questions and engaging with the guides. I try and make sure if he expresses an interest in something we'll do it, or go there. I keep an eye out for things he'll enjoy and suggest going there. I also mix things up - National Trust memberships/English Heritage/Zoo, so when we go out at the weekend, it's not always the same place. He can run around the grounds of a castle as well as he could the local park for the 500th time.

What’s the social mix of the schools they go to? If they are mixing with middle class children, they will see them as their equals.

I guess think about anything you think of as middle class or your parents would think is not for the likes of you and make your kids familiar with it. Art galleries and museums are on the main free, look out for kids weeks deals for theatre etc.

I agree with this. Also the people they mix with matter. Encouraging them to have a wide range of hobbies mixing with different groups.

So are you lower class still? Is this why you care? Otherwise, it makes no sense. Who thinks about this tripe?

Teach them good manners.
Teach them to listen. Really listen.
Teach them to respect other people's views.
Then they will fit in anywhere.

I'll also add about hobbies: there are plenty out there that are 'typically' done by wealthier families - horse riding/golf/fencing etc. I'll admit when DS first asked about riding I nearly said no based on it not being something our family 'does' 😂

I wouldn't add a child to one of these just based on wanting them to brush shoulders with the rich! But don't block it if they ask. DS goes riding once a week, it's not much more money than his swimming lessons, and he certainly holds his own/feels he fits in there.

Being yourself brings self esteem and self confidence. All the other bits you list are essentials for getting the real you to fit into society.

Teach them (by example) to view people as individual human beings, not tokens.

As a teenager I had a pony. Nothing expensive. Just a big standard plod along that lived out in a field. However, at the stables there were lots of very moneyed families. One girl had her own butler, chauffeur driven rolls royce and a whole suite of rooms. She chose a plod along horse like mine. She was the loveliest most down to earth person that i have met. I'm "middle class" (if you wish to stick a label on me) and many times people have assumed that I am stuck up, posh and a bitch because of my accent. I am most certainly not and have friends from all walks of life. I do not look down on anybody due to the amount of money, possessions, education or job status. Equally I am not remotely intimidated by the very well off due to my childhood experiences which were largely positive. So my advice would be not to judge those with different accents/back grounds or stereotype them. Don't assume that someone middle or upper class looks down on you! Life is fragile and houses, health, possessions and wealth can change easily too. Irrespective of class we all eat, shit and have the same problems. The first step would be not judging others yourself based on class.

@Treetops11 , 100% this.

Talking to anyone about anything is a great skill....so a broad range of knowledge...ie literature, the arts, sports, music, politics, current affairs. If you're not interested in a topic, to at least be able to feign interest and hold a conversation.

Tbh unless you're upper class you'll never truly be at home there. My dad comes from a mining family, and was a prison officer in his adult life. My mum worked in retail. We did lots of middle class things in the sense of holidays to nice places, eat out, (cruises, Lake Ghada etc) and had the money of middle class people, but my parent's values have remained working class. We sound working class. My dad is a die hard union man. We hate Tories and everyone where I live still loathes the likes of Margaret Thatcher. I'm from a poor Midlands town, so I'm posh for my area, but I had a real shock to the system when I went to uni.

Everyone sounded posh. Lots of people had private education. I was an A* student, but somehow felt stupid and put of place. People were into things like art, which is seen as pointless where I'm from. My parents thought art and etc was a waste of time. I'd never seen a play other than with school. I didn't have much cultural capital. I was equally as intelligent, but felt less educated, if that makes sense. I never even realised I had an accent, and then I went to uni and realised my Derbyshire accent is actually very broad lol.

People talked about gap years and month long trips to Japan like it was normal. My parents would never have funded something like that. They could have afforded it, but would have found it pointless as it's not for education or with the purpose of getting a job.

I will get along with whoever, but honestly, I feel a lot more at home in a Spoons with the truly working class (as these are the people I'm used to due to the area I grew up in) than I would sat with an Eton like crowd who have never been in a supermarket or been on holiday to Spain.

It's ridiculous to pretend it doesn't matter when we live in an exceptionally classist country driven by socioeconomic background. It blatantly does matter. This country is divided by class in the same way America is divided by race.

But anyway. Give your kids a mix of experiences. Take them to plays, help them be well read, take them to museums, save and help them travel, teach them good manners, take them to formal dinner type settings. But equally take them to pubs, let them do typical working class hobbies like football, go on a beach holiday. Then you'll have kids who will hopefully fit in wherever but won't be stuck up. But tbh your class is more than activities- it's about your values and where you've come from. In the same way you will never quite grasp the nuances of any culture unless you've grown up there, you can't truly understand what it is to be upper class unless you are. The same goes for upper class people understanding the working class too.

To have the money to even a "plod along" pony puts you far above many other children into a real place of privilege.

Is it an amazing skill to have? I think you only think that because your parents have done such a number on you! Just encourage and support them in their interests. You don't have to do expensive things like go to the theatre or things that might not interest them like go to art galleries - just take them to things they'd like to do. Take them to the library, take them swimming, have them learn an instrument. Just enjoyable stuff that engages them.

Only on MN do I find that people feel like there's some kind of huge gulf between working class and middle class people. Most of the time I think people are just somewhere between the two depending if you look at their parents, their kids or themselves. Maybe it's a northern thing to be so obsessed with it as i just don't see around me in the south.

Teach them correct table manners, correct grammar, good diction and good posture. Teach them to be respectful and kind to others. But more importantly, teach them to be proud of who they are and who they come from.

Yes exactly. Teaching children that no one is better than anyone else just because they have more money or are a higher social class. If your children think everyone is equal, they shouldn’t have any confidence issues or thoughts of being inferior and should be able to fit in with most people

I honestly think the best gift we can give our kids is a sense of confidence in who they are. Not confidence in an extrovert way. Just a quiet self assured confidence that they're OK and they are worthy of love and friendship regardless of what clothes they wear or where they live.
I grew up middle class but I still identify with the sense of not fitting in and not being good enough that you describe.

Absolutely all this.
In respect of behaviour round eating I'd also make sure you always eat at a table, not on your knees in front of the TV. Don't have the TV on all the time "as background" and turn it off if visitors arrive. Teach them what a napkin is for and where to place it.

I'd add what pp have said about cultural capital, take them to museums, galleries, ballet, theatre( by this I mean proper plays, not pantomime)etc. Read, read, read.

As they get older encourage them to read the news from a good source eg broadsheet newspapers or reputable news websites, not from social media, and encourage them to discuss current affairs.

Teach them to aim high in everything they do, especially education. If they are well -educated it will open so many doors for them eg to be the doctor or lawyer that your parents were in awe of.
Teach them resilience and the benefits of delayed gratification.

Tbh I think all eating together at the table is an easy way to bring up well mannered children. If children have good table manners and can hold a conversation about general knowledge topics, I think that goes a long way.

Also it's probably helpful not to call them something like Jayden, Jaxon or Lilli-Mae 😳

As a wc kid from a wc community I got so much from guides and scouts that we couldn’t afford as a family - trying things like sailing and skiing. And eventually travelling abroad and doing a project very similar to a “gap year” thing. I was good academically and went to a university with a very “posh” reputation and my guide and scout experiences really helped me be less out of my depth with the private school majority.

I do think how people react has an influence too. I don't think my mum started life being taught that people were better than her, but a lot of people really did show they thought they were and it knocked her confidence loads.

She has been mocked for never having seen a fish knife , people have assumed she is the help, and not a participant at a lecture, people copy what she says in a fake accent, laughing, some places even took payment in advance of our meal, when everyone else was paying at the end. Happens less and less. But she still has moments where she thinks will people accept me when I walk in this room.

And she made sure I'd seen a fish knife though