If you want your kids to feel comfortable in middle & upper class environments now & when older what would you do to help them?

[Treetops11]

My parents instilled an inferiority complex in me when I was young. We lived in an undesirable estate & they always spoke about people getting ideas above their station , referred to people as "the lawyers son", "doctors daughter " etc... opportunities were never for people like us.

I now have my own kids 13, 11 & 8 , I never want them feeling lesser. We are comfortable but I always feel embarrassed in
middle class company as if I'm an imposter.

How can I equip my kids to fit in anywhere with all walks of life? It truely is an amazing skill to have.

Teach them to be true to themselves and their passions. Not to fake liking something because it will make them seem more "middle class".

Really interesting, enjoyable people,.are just comfortable in themselves and comfortable to let others be themselves.

Teach them not to think certain tastes are "wrong" or "right " and just let them develop their own

Nothing more cringe than someone constantly obsessing about things being middle class enough (for instance)

Real confidence is having the integrity to be an individual and not follow fashions /class rules slavishly

Teach them to think for themselves and to be unafraid to be different. There will always be someone richer, that doesn't make them better

I think just take them to places so they feel comfortable. I took mine to a trendy wine bar the other night as they were doing a food pop up that I thought the kids would like. I figure if I do that enough with them then when they are older they wouldn't feel out of place somewhere like that. We were a bit out of place in the wine bar tbf but I guess that's part of it - you just have to push through any awkwardness on your part. It's very unlikely anyone else is thinking you shouldn't be there.

So the general opinion of WC people on this thread is they don't have table manners, don't know how to eat in restaurants. Never visit museums or go to the theatre? Am I reading this right?

Of course it shouldn't be pandered to. But when I worked in an investment bank, the reality is that if I couldn't hold a conversation with the people in charge, if I couldn't turn up dressed appropriately for an interview or an awards event, if I didn't know how to act in ridiculously overpriced, overhyped restaurants.... I would have struggled.

but surely that's about the ability to get on in life, learning about life skills. Nothing to do with class, nothing to do with them being different, it's about being able to hold your own in a room full of people, whose background and life circumstances you'll never know.

The man you think you're hob-nobbing with, could have been brought up on a council estate, and educated in a state comprehensive. Class is not the point, it's about treating all people with equal respect, curiosity and engagement, because they, you and I are all humans.

I would say it’s about knowing yourself and how the world seems to work and being comfortable with where you are in that world. Social class is a social construct ,maybe you could start a conversation with your kids to get interest generated because what “middle class” means now is not what it meant when you were younger. People can have perceived “middle class” attributes and some others of different classes. They could say which ones they think they have, just ideas…it’s can be a very heated topic which can be a good conversation to have with young people. Also talking about why and how social construct of class began and what it’s been used to define and why

growing up my dad was like Basil Fawlty worshipping anyone who was a professional 😂

Define “way of being” that makes you intrinsically middle class.
It’s such a nonsensical statement.

It's bloody ridiculous the labels used on MN, to "other" people. There are lots of people who've had £000s lavished on their education who are frankly pig-ignorant!

Actually this is a really good point. My posts could absolutely seem like I think that and I 100% don't. In fact, there's no doubt in my mind that it's DS' working class friends and the few friends we know that are on the posher side who actually have the best manners, certainly in my home! The bog standard MC types are less so - often quite entitled! But this is anecdotal vs anything more scientific.

The point I was actually trying to make is that overall, teaching your children how to cope in different types of environments isimportant - and I think that applies to all classes and socio-economic backgrounds.

Why would you think it a strange statement?

I actually agree with you here and actually, as I just said in a previous post I think often MC people can be the most rigid and entitled.

But these comments were in the context of OP's original post and the poster I was responding to. OP's parents made her feel "less than" and the poster I was responding to was saying that people must accept her and her DC as they are - she won't do anything to adapt.

It’s because having some understanding of culture and history, of the influences that have shaped our world and our society means you have access to the shorthand references that people with a wide ranging education understand and use. You don’t have to have read all the books, seen all the plays, visited all the galleries, but recognising the names and having some sort of opinion rather than a flat “museums are boring, Shakespeare is for old people, I’d rather look at Instagram”, indicates that you have more going on in your brain than Love Island and IACGMOOH.

I tell my kids to be myself so they can attract friends who like them for who they are / are similar to them. Pretend to be something you are not and you will attract people who like the person you are not. Very exhausting.

Again, why would you think it nonsensical?

Or have hundreds of years of ingrained societal structures, socio-linguistics, signifiers and mores simply passed you by?

Their parents might not worry about it, but it doesn't mean it's not beneficial. I work in a stereotypically middle class profession and one of the most important soft skills is being able to build up a rapport with people from a range of backgrounds - if you can't do that, you won't progress anywhere near as easily.

It's not my role, but imagine a paediatrician who can chat about Minecraft with a 10 year old while they're being treated, compared to one who doesn't have a clue about what 10 year olds might be interested in. They can both treat the patient, but it's a more pleasant experience for the patient if they can be distracted by small talk.

Having a small talk level of knowledge of a wide range of areas, including typically middle and working class topics, tends to be useful.

But it’s not about pretending. Irrespective of class, broadening your horizons and giving yourself a deeper experience of the world, and all the people places and opportunities in it, surely provides a platform for confidence and reduces social anxiety in unfamiliar situations.

Ah but it doesn't have to be museums, any interest in the world makes a person interesting

I don't want to talk to a dullard who goes round museums and to plays just to tick middle class boxes. How superficial

I am interested in people who are engaged in the world and follow their passions, without worrying what social strata that potentially places them in

It’s not about pretending to be who you aren’t, it is about understanding that there are easily accessible, teachable and portable social skills, like table manners, that mean you fit comfortably and confidently into a wider range of social and work situations.

Teach your kids their true self worth, focus on their personality traits which are wonderful and help them shine from within.

This will give you DC confidence and belief in their own abilities. Only do this when they have genuinely made an achievement so they earn praise.

Teach your DC that they do not need letters after their names to be someone and that hard work does bring rewards, so they feel motivated to do good and succeed in life.

Or have hundreds of years of ingrained societal structures, socio-linguistics, signifiers and mores simply passed you by?
But by your own admission you didn’t benefit from these, did you?

So it was hardly ingrained for your dd’s…

Listen to Radio 4

I think by modelling how you speak to people yourself. Look them in the eye and see people as your equal, never show inferiority or obsequious behaviour, try and make sure they have the opportunities to mix with a wide range of people with varying backgrounds.

I think that there’s a vast difference between being comfortable with middle class to upper class. I’m solidly middle class. I was privately educated, my kids are a combination of private and leafy comp. They’ve been brought up in a world of museums, galleries, theatres and good restaurants. They read, they’re interested in politics and the world around us. They’ve travelled across different continents, they’ve skied and they’ve had some wonderful very privileged experiences

But they haven’t had exposure to the hunting shooting fishing set, they don’t know people who went to boarding school and have trust funds and they have never come across anyone titled. Actually, that’s not true, my eldest has started to in his work and through friends of friends. Like me, he can converse and have a good time with these people but he doesn’t feel enormously comfortable with that old money crowd, more that they’re friendly but would never be friends with him as he doesn’t hve the generational English breeding they do

It’s a bit like talking about ‘living as a woman’. What does it mean without reverting to stereotypes?

They might just be middle class, but what is “a middle class way of being”? Viola lessons and not belching at the dinner table like the underclasses?!

I think we often use musuems as an easy example of cultural capital. But there are a huge number of different experiences that fall into the category of helping your child to have a diverse range of experiences to build up their social or cultural capital. Just a few off the top of my head:

Eating in restuarants with different cuisines
Attending a live sports event
Visiting different environments to home - eg the countryside if you're a city person or vice versa.
Theatre / ballet performances
Attending a live gig
Taking part in external extracurricular from sports to art to drama
Visiting historical sites (museums, of course but also anything from Stonehendge to Buckingham Palace)
Visiting heritage sites or areas of "outstanding beauty"
Traveling - within your own country and internationally
Swimming in the sea
Visit to an amusement park
Attending events or activities linked to the sciences or technology (Science Musuem, planetarium, a motor exhibition or air show)
Tkae part in local community events - summer/christmas fairs, carol services etc
Scouts/Brownies/Girl Guides

None of thes ethings are such a big deal in themselves, but it's a cumulative effect.

I grew up with an educated but extremely poor single Mum, and got a full scholarship to a posh school. There I made friends with a range of people - girls whose parents had been working class but had set up successful business, and some phenomenally wealthy girls (there were 2 princesses there). I did well at school and I’ve worked all my life with the general public, so my entire working life has consisted of interacting with people from varying backgrounds .

I would say the best way to manage differences is to never think you are superior or inferior to anyone else. Never dismiss someone’s interests as “not the sort of thing we do”. Never rule out anyone’s opinions or philosophies (unless you know them well enough to know they’re offensive). Believe that everyone you meet can offer you something, and you can offer them something, in terms of life enrichment. And don’t talk about class!