If you want your kids to feel comfortable in middle & upper class environments now & when older what would you do to help them?

[Treetops11]

My parents instilled an inferiority complex in me when I was young. We lived in an undesirable estate & they always spoke about people getting ideas above their station , referred to people as "the lawyers son", "doctors daughter " etc... opportunities were never for people like us.

I now have my own kids 13, 11 & 8 , I never want them feeling lesser. We are comfortable but I always feel embarrassed in
middle class company as if I'm an imposter.

How can I equip my kids to fit in anywhere with all walks of life? It truely is an amazing skill to have.

Indeed. One of the best compliments I've ever had is when I came for the interview for my job (where I might be talking to an apprentice welder one minute and a Lord the next) is that they felt they could put me in a room with anyone.

Yes I agree to an extent, but there is also a level when shared experiences and knowledge enhance your interaction with other people. It could be an esoteric hobby, like model railway building, or it could be a common cultural understanding or experience. The point is that engaging in a wide range of experiences that engage your brain at a deeper level and make you think maximises the chance that if / when you meet someone who has also shared that experience, you have common ground on which to build mutual understanding.

They should learn how to play tennis, ski, horseride, play golf and sailing if you can.

Knowledge of current affairs & geography is essential. Eg they don't have to have travelled far but should know you have to fly over the Atlantic to get to USA, Africa isn't a country, what countries the Alps are in etc.

Physically they should look like they get lots of fresh air, exercise & a good diet- skin not too pale from too much screen time, not overweight, (little beige food), perfect teeth. Good posture.

Be familiar enough with old building so ancient universities don't seem intimidating.

Know how to behave in a restaurant that doesn't serve chips.

Drama! Enroll them in a local theatre company and get them doing LAMDA gradings if you can find a teacher. DD is in Theatre, all her friends at uni who were into theatre regardless of background are super confident and communicate brilliantly.

Not only does it give you bags of confidence, you also meet and work with all sorts of people from different backgrounds and if you can act you can appear at ease anywhere!

It's not about being MC or UC it's about being comfortable in your own skin and therefore lots of different environments.

Get them involved in a sport/interactive hobby. Anything which is a leveller as it comes down to individual performance rather than what you have or haven't got.

I was bought up WC but my grandparents were very MC. Don't have a degree, I went to a very standard state comprehensive but was bought up with mainly a very adult outlook on the world from a young age. I read a lot of books and was encouraged to be very interested in loads of different things.

As an adult, I am in senior management in an international company. I have travelled the world with work, competed internationally in a variety of sports and I mix with a huge variety of people.

The ability to converse, debate and be receptive, curious and respectful to different viewpoints whilst holding your own will stand you in fantastic stead in any scenario regardless of social standing.

Everyone deserves the same amount of respect and people need to be receptive to different opinions and approaches and be comfortable in themselves to accept that differences are not to be taken personally, but something to be curious about and to explore.

OK, they've never had to share underwear or a bed with two siblings. They've never lived somewhere with an outdoor toilet. They've never been told that university is only for rich people, and not to bother themselves even thinking about it, it's not for the likes of them. They don't have parents or aunts and uncles who are bin men, street sweepers, delivery drivers, hospital cleaners, taxi drivers, or who work in low-paid minimum wage jobs. They haven't been brought up to show exaggerated deference to doctors, teachers, or other authority figures. They've never had to know exactly how long it is till a parent's payday. They've never wanted to ask a classmate home after school but knew there wasn't enough food to stretch to an extra mouth, or didn't because they don't want them to see how small, poor and overcrowded the house is.

Teach them not to be inverted snobs because someone talks posh doesn't mean they are or they had a charmed life

Cultural opportunities; hobbies, galleries, travel, insight into current affairs and the different political poles, varied diet and exposure to different cuisines.

Encourage reading, at that age I started to make bed time later on the condition that they read for an hour before going to sleep.
Take them to restaurants and encourage them to order their own food from a young age.
Encourage hobbies, absolutely any hobbies.
I did find travel benefitted my DC.
Lots of days out.
Discuss what’s going on in the news and talk about other parts of the world.

Teach them good manners..saying please and thankyou.respect themselves and all others..give them good examples in how you behave..ask their opinions and discuss. how to eat and behave in restaurants ..join scouts etc for life
experiences and independance and leadership experience etc

Good manners are essential.
A good attitude to food- you will not meet many middle class people who live off chicken nuggets and chips and refusing to eat new foods is frowned upon.
And confidence. We have never told our DD "stranger danger" because we want her to be confident to talk to everyone, which she does. Being afraid to talk to unknown adults as children leads to being unable to talk to people confidently as an adult and immediately marks you out as not "one of them."

Agree with the self esteem comments

No, the OP asked how to help her children to not feel inadequate in the company of the middle and upper classes as they go through life. The answers reflect what is seen as important socially to those groups and not what OP’s children or the working class are lacking.

When socialising / working with other classes, manners, knowledge, childhood holidays, schooling, politics and even the everyday words you use give away your class to others. You can’t and shouldn’t try to pretend to be something you’re not but feeling comfortable in any circumstance is achievable. Certainly the OP’s parent’s attitudes was not the way to go!

One thing I forgot to add to my list of things I did to build self-confidence (because it's a little controversial...) is I became stick thin. Not in a gaunt, unhealthy way but through exercise and clean eating.

Do not underestimate the power of body confidence for being able to walk into any room and interact with any person.

People naturally respect someone they deem to be incredibly disciplined and goal driven (which you have to be to maintain a rail thin, toned physique, especially past a certain age).

Obviously don't teach your kids that, but they will definitely learn it as they get older.

And the thread is full of people assuming that in order to not to be seen as 'lower class' you should teach your children manners and all the other stuff WC people apparently never do with their children.

It's hilarious and insulting in equal measures.

I'd say middle classes are much more insecure in their social standing (especially in the current economy) and constantly checking their actions against perceived MC standards. This may even become a kind of social neurosis whereas working class can be "proudly working class" (there is no such thing for MC).

Right? I think the worsening financial prospects of the lower middle classes has left them clinging to 'cultural capital' like a life raft and that's why it's an increasingly discussed topic on MN.

"My parents instilled an inferiority complex in me when I was young"

Presumably, considering how badly this has affected you, this ethos is not something you have instilled in your own dc. If they have never been taught to feel inferior to middle / upper class people, then it won't occur to them to feel that way.

Teach them that they are just as entitled to have a seat at the table, they don’t have to wait to be asked, they can pull a chair up and join in!!

OP most of the comments on here will not help your children. They are based on faking it. Comfortable is not faking it.

This is why people like Cummings (MC or UMC himself) mock the chattering classes as the most brainwashed and out of touch with reality 😂

Pages of solid advice here @Treetops11 !

I'd disagree that any of it is faking it. It's called practising, and just as a pianist plays scales to warm up and build expertise and feel at ease with the keyboard, and sports players take endless kicks or bowl thousands of ball, comfort is the result of working out how to do something well.

Agree. It's really awkward realising how inauthentic so many people feel they have to be.

I've noticed I always feel quite uncomfortable around inauthentic people,. especially those trying to fake being MC/UMC. The constant pressure to do things the "right" way is so constraining. Just buy what you like, eat what you like,.wear what you like and do what you like.

We only have one life. Why live it by some bizarre set of rules.

The Premier Inn is great, we have often used them ,always in great locations & a nice bar!

Having a wide range of experiences as broad as possible would be my suggestion. Volunteering for a charity, having an interest/hobby or attending church or similar will mean you and your family mix and get comfortable with a wider range of people with different classes, ages, genders and ethnicities.