Do you think these people should have gotten christmas gifts from charity?

[ThisProudGreenCat]

Mum and two young children (6 months old and 2 1/2 years old). Certainly not poor albeit not rich. Dad isn't in the picture as not allowed contact with the children or the mum (can't know where they are either), basically mum had to leave her first property to get away from dad as he is an online child sex offender and breached his bail condition to stalk them.

Mum lives in a private rental 2 bedroom flat and has food on the table, can afford clothes, treats, softplay for the kids, etc... etc...

Mum found out she was referred to Christmas appeal and received Christmas toys for the kids, although the kids already have Christmas toys.

Do you think it's fair or unfair? Would you have been gutted if you were one of the people who donated the toys, thinking they were going to a family in need?

I hate this competitive poverty. Id say the number of kids who have absolutely nothing to open at Christmas in the UK in 2024 is tiny. There are lots of place parents can go for help.

Ok? Just because you think the number is tiny doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t make it fact or true.
I still think the presents should go to kids who have nothing…. Not the ones that already gets treats, softplay trips and Xmas presents.

If they’ve already got new toys for Christmas they don’t need more surely? And if I was their mum, I wouldn’t want a whole load more plastic crap to find space for! Surely the donated toys are for kids who would otherwise not have anything?

So this woman is doing it all on her own, is providing a roof over her children's heads, food on the table, is able to make sure they have fun things like treats / go to soft play...
How do you know she isn't struggling?
How do you know she doesn't put every penny into her kids having a good life?

Maybe being given these presents is a bit of relief to her.

Sounds like she is doing her best for her children, I wouldn't begrudge her a bit of kindness at all.

Absolutely, is this a reverse?
They've been through an awful time. At the hands of a man yet again

I'd be glad for them after what they'd been through and think anyone who begrudged it was horrible

I think they thoroughly deserve them.

I’m a single mum in a private rental.

My kids are clothed, there’s food on the table and I take them for days out. I also lie awake at night worrying about money and having no security. I go without food sometimes so they can have food on the table. I buy myself nothing, and as well as working I’m studying for a degree to try and get us out of this mess. I check my bank account constantly to make sure there’s enough for bills and to feed them. There is no safety net.

On the outside I’m sure I look like I’m coping, and my children want for nothing because I don’t EVER want them to feel the strain or like they’re “less than”. If someone donated gifts to us it would make my year, because the money I’ve had to find for Christmas could be freed up to ease the strain for me for a month at least.

Your post is disgusting.

Why not? You have no real idea of their full circumstances nor the criteria the charity had for gifts. It is really none of your business

The biggest challenge is identifying the families with nothing. If the charity has toys to distribute, they're going to distribute them to whoever is referred. They're not choosing this family over another family with less. That's not how it works.

In this country where the benefits system ensures there is no true poverty (or rather the definition of poverty has changed to mean they have less than others) I'd say there are almost no children who will get absolutely nothing for Christmas. And the ones that aren't will be in an abusive household where the gifted toys probably wouldn't make it to the kids, if they even got referred in the first place. In fact its often those who are poorest who go most overboard on their kids at Christmas for whatever reason and get into debt. I think if you donate to these types of things you need to be comfortable that the gifts will likely go to people like the OP describes. And that's ok.

They don’t have no presents because the help isn’t there. If the parents haven’t sought the help there’s a limit to how much anyone can do about that. And that’s not a judgement of the parents necessarily so people can only manage so much.

The mother in the OP has had an awful time. Let her have a couple of presents without making her feel bad.

They do get presents through this scheme, so I’m not sure what your point is? If there are enough gifts donated for the people who get nothing, and for the people who may get presents but have otherwise very difficult lives, what’s the issue?

Exactly. This is a very vulnerable family and just because you think there is money doesn’t mean these children are not in need.
Look up ACE -Adverse Childhood Experience and its long term impact

This is what I meant. The help is there to ensure that no child goes without something at Christmas. If the parents for whatever reason won’t or can’t ask for the help that has zero to do with the OP.

Can we not help people at Christmas without judgement. It’s Christmas for goodness sake.

They fled a difficult situation. Things have been very traumatic for them and mum. I wouldn't begrudge them a bit of kindness and some christmas gifts. If you're the mum and feeling guilty don't be. It was a nice thing and you and your kids deserve some happiness.

If the charity's criteria were met, nothing wrong has been done.
However, I have stopped donating to a charity who gave a family where she had walked out with the kids, but earned 55k (more than us) gifts, as I disagreed with the charities criteria.

I think it's fair, and I wouldn't be gutted at all had she have received items I had donated.

Sometimes an act of kindness such as this can be life changing for the recipient. It's important that they know they aren't alone during incredibly difficult and stressful times.

What @DontBiteTheCat said. Sending best wishes to you 💐

Well said. I hope things work out for you

Who the hell begrudges a child a gift at Christmas?

Ive been in a somewhat similar situation. As a better off Mum at a largely very poor church playgroup- my kid got a lovely present "from santa" one year, along with all the other kids.
It would have been around the £10- £15 mark so not a token gesture.
It must have taken a big fundraising effort to get presents like that for all 30 kids.
We didn't need it but the church didn't know that. To actually find out everyone's financial situations would have been intrusive and made people feel shit. It would have tarnished an otherwise lovely event.
I could have refused the gift, made a big song and dance about how much better off I was and made everything awkward I suppose. But it wouldn't have been the right thing to do.
The right thing is to accept the gift with good grace and either pass it on to someone who needs it or quietly make a donation at another time.

I think that family has been through a lot, and wouldn’t in any way begrudge them the gifts. I’d be happy for them to receive presents I’d donated.

I’m guessing you’re the mum and you’re worried about how this will be perceived? If so, honestly don’t worry. If you really feel uncomfortable about it and feel your kids have enough gifts, then you can always give them back. But there is no need to.

It's quite common in this situation to give to a small number of people who aren't in seriously desperate need as well as people who are because a) there is less admin for staff and less humiliation for the recipients if they don't go through everyone's finances. B) some charities are inundated with donations. C) if you make the criteria less strict there is less chance of people in desperate need slipping through the cracks.

My son once got a present for children in hospital over Christmas when he had an elective day case procedure a few days before Christmas.

10 years ago mumsnet organised a secret Santa where posters could nominate other mumsnetters to get a present. Some were in dire financial need and this would be the only present they got. Some ministers were nominated for going through a difficult time or for being helpful. We were nominated because one of my children was chronically ill and the others had SEN. We could afford presents but my dc were ecstatic to receive the parcels addressed to "the mumsnetter of the house" and I was touched by the kindness of strangers.

A single mother not earning (or earning less than about £7k I think) but who has a rich ex husband who pays the appropriate amount of child support will be entitled to free school meals, money off school trips and free playschemes for her school aged dc. This is because the majority of single parents get nothing or not enough money from the other parent so it's easier to not include non resident parents contributions when working out what people are entitled to. Also there are some parents who will suddenly stop child maintenance payments out of spite or to scare the resident parent who relies on that money.

She wouldn't need to tell anyone where the gifts came from. Presumably the only people that would need to know her financial situation and that she was receiving gifts are the people actually working at the charity and certainly they shouldn't be begrudging anyone that they're serving.

I volunteer every year to sign families up for Angel Tree donations through the Salvation Army. We never ask for anyone's income information other than are you employed or do you have other income such as disability. And that's just for demographic purposes. As long as you live in the county that we serve and you have children age 13 or under then you're eligible to receive gifts.

Personally, I always give with a joyful heart. I volunteer for the Salvation Army, I also volunteer for a local food pantry. I have no judgment for anyone who utilizes either of those services regardless of their situation.

Even though they don't sound like they're massively struggling financially they sound like they've had a pretty rough time recently and I think having someone think of you and receiving some gifts would really brighten their Christmas up, some kindness from strangers really does go a long way. Ultimately any grievances should be brought up with the organisation that arranged this to have only poor families etc qualify.