Do you think these people should have gotten christmas gifts from charity?

[ThisProudGreenCat]

Mum and two young children (6 months old and 2 1/2 years old). Certainly not poor albeit not rich. Dad isn't in the picture as not allowed contact with the children or the mum (can't know where they are either), basically mum had to leave her first property to get away from dad as he is an online child sex offender and breached his bail condition to stalk them.

Mum lives in a private rental 2 bedroom flat and has food on the table, can afford clothes, treats, softplay for the kids, etc... etc...

Mum found out she was referred to Christmas appeal and received Christmas toys for the kids, although the kids already have Christmas toys.

Do you think it's fair or unfair? Would you have been gutted if you were one of the people who donated the toys, thinking they were going to a family in need?

You shouldn’t be referred anywhere without your permission. You should invoke data protection rights and/or good practice on privacy of service users.

Charities shouldn’t flout people’s privacy. They should treat you with respect and dignity.

If you don’t want to go, don’t go.

If it was me, if I had nothing else on, I’d prob give it a go and see who I encountered. You have to make your own luck and make use of every opportunity. But if it was insufferable or the vibes weren’t good and it made me feel worse, I’d leave again.

Sounds totally ok.

I'd suppose it is a locality where there is enough gifts to cover not only the typical "family in direst need" profile, but also other families who can benefit from a small boost

Well of course this is ok, so long as the mum is happy with it. My mum was a single parent to me in the 70s, private rental, little cash(although my dad was just abusive, not a sex offender). Someone offered my mum charity like this and she was very offended! She felt perfectly capable of providing all that we needed, and she did, although she worked crazy hours to do it.

Sorry, just realised it’s gifts for the kids rather than a party and gifts. Yes, that’s fine. Lots of places give kids free toys: nurseries, schools etc. Kids love unexpected presents. If I donate anything, I leave the charity to decide who to give them to. And it sounds like the family have had a traumatic time. It’s a way to spread the love, even if they can afford gifts. Shows people care.

But you still shouldn’t be referred to anyone without your permission.

If you are the person who donated and you disagree with who gets gifts, find a different charity to support next year
If you are a person working for the charity which is giving out the gifts and you're uncertain whether the person should receive a gift, then it may be that you can look at your existing policy or suggest re-writing it first next year if it needs more clarity
If you are the recipient of the gift, I hope you and your children enjoyed the presents, felt that there is some good in the world and have a wonderful Christmas

And this is your business, or ours, because ?

Have you ever experienced stalking and having to leave your home and start again? If you have then I'd hope you'd have a little more empathy. If you haven't then it's really awful and frightening and I wouldn't begrudge this mum some help.

Yes, and your morals are questionable!

She's had to leave her whole life behind to escape her ex. She obviously can't go back to the area she used to live. Her home isn't big enough to host. I wouldn't begrudge someone a few gifts in those circumstances.

Well Christmas is a time for not judging (goodwill to all men) so no, I wouldn't be upset.
Anyway, just because their mum has found money to buy presents doesn't mean she hasn't made other sacrifices. Maybe she'll be able to return the presents she bought and buy herself some essentials.

I'd be delighted if a gift I donated went to this family. This mum is doing her level best after a horrible set of circumstances and if these gifts allow her to more easily afford a nice Xmas dinner or pay the rent or electricity or extra gift for traumatised kids then I'm over the moon for her.

Cannot stand "worthiness police"

Sounds like an excellent use of the charity's resources. I hope that the kids love the gifts and the mum enjoys watching them play.

I would be glad the gifts had gone to a family who have been through a tough time.

I would never deny children some extra joy

I wouldn’t even judge or question this woman at all. What a terrible situation this mum had to deal with. Your focus should be on how men like this should be locked up forever to start with, not debating if the kids should get presents from a charity.

Not that it's any of my business but it sounds like the gifts will make a difference to this family. It's Not Just about the money, it's about kindness and compassion.

No. If I donate, it's done and I think no more of it.

Why are you so worried? It could make the family feel good and cared for.

Don't grudge them a couple of extras. No doubt mum had some difficulty getting things together for Christmas and stretched herself. You can't tell from outside of the situation.

Your post has an unpleasant undertone. Be generous minded, it's not hurting you.

I would be glad if the toy I donated this Xmas went to one of these DC.

“Gutted”?!

Who are these people to you OP?

So you’re asking the question, ‘Do you think a family who have escaped a sex offender stalker should have a few extra treats this Christmas?’ Um, why would the answer to that be Yes every single time?

Yup.
This.
Nothing further required.

Ps. Gotten is a definite aibu! - grrrrrrr! Unless op is from usa

If they're involved with social care (which is likely if the dad is a child sex offender), they likely were just referred by default.

Charities approach our LA at Christmas and accept referrals from social workers without any questions asked about income, situation etc. So often the social workers do just refer all the families they're involved with.

It doesn't sound like they’d qualify for charity if the charity was means-testing their support. But I can see why they would qualify in terms of these charities just wanting to bring joy to children in difficult circumstances.

I think you can't know all of the details of someone's life; what you described sounds fairly harrowing; and you sound pretty bitter to pick on her and her children.
It always burns me when people pass judgment on people with needs as to whether they are sufficiently needy.
Mind your own business and hope you never find yourself in a situation where you are on a referral list.

Assuming you are mum, I think the only way anyone could mind is if you applied yourself and lied in the application saying that you didn't have money to buy presents because you knew that you wouldn't get them otherwise.

No I wouldn't mind at all. Enjoy them and take it as a sign people care about you.

I remember my grandparents shock when they received a harvest basket as one of the "vulnerable elderly" in the village.
They were in their 80s, my grandad was disabled, but as they said "we donate to help the aged. We don't need support that could go to others".

What they did, was they added up what they thought the cost of the basket was and donated the money on.
If it makes you feel better maybe you could think of donating back to the charity that gave it to you, but in a few years' time when you are in a better place.