daughter hates her house share, best way to approach?

[lillylallylu]

so my adult daughter moved into a house share after uni and one of the flat mates is being an arse with her. It's constant passive aggressive comments and aggressive comments (telling her she's got a weird face, disguised as a joke) , criticising her all the time, being mean, offhand, prickly. She said she feels uncomfortable and spends lots of time in her room rather than the communal space. Her friend went round yesterday and told her that he'd noticed it too and that the housemate is horrible to her.

Four of them were living there already when she arrived and my daughter thinks that if she discusses this person's behaviour with the others, they'll dismiss it as banter and "it's just how she is". My daughter doesn't see the point in confronting arsey housemate directly as she'll just deny it and ramp up the behaviour.

My daughter has a good grad job, well paid, and is now talking about moving back in with us to save so she's got enough for her own place, to live alone. I'm happy to have her back as she's good company and respectful. Is this the only option or is there another way for her to approach it? I hate that arseholes like this housemate get to push nice, decent people out.
(she asked me to post this here as she knows I'm a prolific mumsnetter 🤣🤣)

the irony of it is that the arsey housemate is a mental health practitioner!

She needs to move out.

I'd have her home as she will save so much even if you take some rent for additional costs

And I'd be very clear with the nasty person that you are so grateful to them for giving DD the push she needed to advance her life and opportunities, and I'd be clear with the landlord that one of his tenants is a bully

yeah, I think so too, but it seems so unfair doesn't it?

i was in this situation a number of years ago. Rather than staying in the room I’d encourage her to go out, if she needs to concentrate to a library, go on meet ups to find new friends etc etc basically just don’t rely on the house for friendship and naturally as she spends less time there she will probably be less of the focus.
trey and keep friends with the nice flatmates if she wants to, but basically really use the opportunity until the end of the tenancy to throw herself into new friendships to see if there’s any better flatshsre options when she finishes this one and just grey rock the bitchy one.

Unfair? Why?

The other 4 will have to cover cost of rent whilst she isn't there, the landlord will get pissed if there is a constant churn and they will now know why

She gets to save more for her future

She probably does need to move out, but has she tried actually responding to the other person?
If they make a 'joke' implying she has a weird face, can't she ask directly 'Did you really just imply my face was weird?'. Presumably she is doing this in front of others as it's not much of a joke otherwise so include them as well - Did she really just imply my face is weird - bit rude??
Call it out every time.

If she has a fail safe of moving back home, could she try pushing back to reassert herself a bit - give as good as she gets?

Sounds like moving back in with you is a positive move - she just needs to be abundantly clear as to why she is leaving. Namely that the behaviour of the other person is low-level bullying, that it makes her feel uncomfortable to be at home and that a third party has even noticed how bad it is. Pull no punches. Suggest she gives her notice now but moves out in the next few weeks so that she is back with you for Christmas and then stays and doesn't have to put up with this nonsense in 2025.

Definitely this - if nothing else it'll be good for her to learnt to assert herself. and I don't see why she can't comment to the other housemates either - "is she always a bitch"

Her options

1. She calls this person out on it and challenges them every time they make an unkind comment. Clearly and without hesitation. Tell them their comments are nasty, inappropriate and they are a bully.

1. She finds another house share.

1. She moves back with you and saves a deposit.

I'd do a combination of 1 and 3. Challenge the housemate, give notice and start saving for a more secure housing and financial future.

.

I lived in a horribly toxic house at uni. All this led to was having my belongings stolen and tampered with. Best to just leave.

I'd have her move home. House shares are not easy dynamics to live in. Moving home and saving also seems much more financially sensible.

thanks. I'm giving her the link for this thread so she can join and maybe sign up and reply herself 🤣

How long is left on her contract?

She needs to look at the contract and see what she’s liable for paying if she leaves. She should be ok if she can find someone to take over her room but she would probably need to confirm that with the landlord.

the other comments re:calling them out every time they comment etc are also valid

Well she can either see out the tenancy, find somewhere else or move back home. My son hated his first accommodation as a graduate, not for the same reasons, but he left and found a studio flat instead. It cost more but he was much happier with it, and it was a nice one with a separate kitchen. Can she afford that, or afford to share with fewer people, maybe?
But if she would prefer to come home, then that sounds like a good call. My son didn't have that option because it was too far away.

until summer but it's a contract which means she can leave at any point, but the rent for her room will then be divided between the others until they get a new housemate. My daughter is way too nice and is talking about continuing to pay her rent until they get a new housemate.

She can find someone else to take over her tenancy and move out. Alternatively she can stick up for herself.

Tbh if she’s not liable for costs then she should just move out. Might be best if she moves home for a while just to process and can then get another house share. And also keep remembering that this is a reflection of the other person who sounds a complete arsehole, not her!

She just needs to move out, what's the deposit/ contract situation?

I'd encourage her to push back though and spar a bit first. 'a weird face? Did you learn to speak to people like that as part of your training?' and 'ray of sunshine as ever, Susan'. 'I do enjoy our chats'.

I'd be tempted to say if it continues you will raise a concern with her employer, though it must be something 100% you or your DD go through with her.

I think this is what she should do, as she is choosing to leave.
When I lived in houseshares we all had individual contacts which made it clear if we left before the end of the contract we were liable to pay until the end.
Whatever the reason for your daughter wanting to leave, it is her decision to do so, and I don’t think it’s fair to lumber the other housemates with the additional cost.

Cross post, just move out. Leave em to it. They're not her friends.