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Original poster

daughter hates her house share, best way to approach?

201 replies

lillylallylu · 12/12/2024 11:13

so my adult daughter moved into a house share after uni and one of the flat mates is being an arse with her. It's constant passive aggressive comments and aggressive comments (telling her she's got a weird face, disguised as a joke) , criticising her all the time, being mean, offhand, prickly. She said she feels uncomfortable and spends lots of time in her room rather than the communal space. Her friend went round yesterday and told her that he'd noticed it too and that the housemate is horrible to her.

Four of them were living there already when she arrived and my daughter thinks that if she discusses this person's behaviour with the others, they'll dismiss it as banter and "it's just how she is". My daughter doesn't see the point in confronting arsey housemate directly as she'll just deny it and ramp up the behaviour.

My daughter has a good grad job, well paid, and is now talking about moving back in with us to save so she's got enough for her own place, to live alone. I'm happy to have her back as she's good company and respectful. Is this the only option or is there another way for her to approach it? I hate that arseholes like this housemate get to push nice, decent people out.
(she asked me to post this here as she knows I'm a prolific mumsnetter 🤣🤣)

OP posts:
GeorgeMichaelsCat · 12/12/2024 13:11

Trouble is, bullies like this housemate need to be shut down immediately. They try it on and see how you react. If you don't challenge them back and speak up for yourself etc straight away, they see you as fair game and just carry on. It is a good life lesson for your DD to learn to nip things in the bud.

CoffeeGood · 12/12/2024 13:12

Your daughter is clearly a kind, intelligent girl, and I do understand why she doesn't want to make waves. I, on the other hand, enjoy calling people out on comments which they think are hilarious "banter"! After she has checked her contract and knows what her liabilities are, I would advise her to stand up for herself. It will do wonders for her self esteem and may well help the other housemates, who may be wishing she'd be the one who would move out but daren't stand up to her because they are all thinking like your dughter is. You say your daughter thinks they would just say it was banter and just the way she is, but is she sure? Has she tried to speak to them?

I would be loudly saying something like:
"Wow, did you just call my face weird? How rude are you?!"
"Do you say things like that to your patients? Do you realise how damaging that could be?!"
"Is that supposed to be funny? It's not!"
"What do you mean when you say my face is weird, in what way? Do please explain such a nasty comment!"

Make her account for herself she she realises she can't get away with it anymore.

Cloverforever · 12/12/2024 13:18

lillylallylu · 12/12/2024 11:18

the irony of it is that the arsey housemate is a mental health practitioner!

I know another mental health practitioner who is also an absolute nightmare, so one sadly doesn't preclude the other.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Property
Rosscameasdoody · 12/12/2024 13:20

lillylallylu · 12/12/2024 11:13

so my adult daughter moved into a house share after uni and one of the flat mates is being an arse with her. It's constant passive aggressive comments and aggressive comments (telling her she's got a weird face, disguised as a joke) , criticising her all the time, being mean, offhand, prickly. She said she feels uncomfortable and spends lots of time in her room rather than the communal space. Her friend went round yesterday and told her that he'd noticed it too and that the housemate is horrible to her.

Four of them were living there already when she arrived and my daughter thinks that if she discusses this person's behaviour with the others, they'll dismiss it as banter and "it's just how she is". My daughter doesn't see the point in confronting arsey housemate directly as she'll just deny it and ramp up the behaviour.

My daughter has a good grad job, well paid, and is now talking about moving back in with us to save so she's got enough for her own place, to live alone. I'm happy to have her back as she's good company and respectful. Is this the only option or is there another way for her to approach it? I hate that arseholes like this housemate get to push nice, decent people out.
(she asked me to post this here as she knows I'm a prolific mumsnetter 🤣🤣)

OP, did you act as guarantor for the rent ? I know it’s not the point of your thread but if you have, it’s not just a case of her simply moving out, as you could be responsible for covering the missing portion until they find another house mate. If you haven’t, then yes, moving out is probably the best option for her - she can give the required notice to quit, and the others will just have to suck up the increased rent. I really don’t see the point of her confronting this person - it wont change anything, and will probably make things worse. It seems your daughter has got the measure of her.

longapple · 12/12/2024 13:20

She needs to state firmly that she's not finding personal insults funny and ask them to stop the next time they do it, hopefully when the other housemates are there.
If it continues, she should tell the other housemates that it needs to stop or she will move out, leaving them with an empty room. Give them the chance to deal with the rude one, if they try to dismiss it she can just shrug and say she's not paying rent to be insulted all the time, it doesn't matter if they agree that it's a problem or not.

oakleaffy · 12/12/2024 13:28

House shares can be heinous.
The bitchy one is probably jealous in some way of your daughter.
I’d leave, personally.

Life is too short to spend it with cnuts.

DS lived here as an adult for a while to save for a deposit to buy own place - Renting is dead money.

Good luck to your Daughter.

( I charged rent for food only- as saving was so important)

BunnyLake · 12/12/2024 13:32

ByMerryKoala · 12/12/2024 11:25

If she has a fail safe of moving back home, could she try pushing back to reassert herself a bit - give as good as she gets?

Yes this. It would be different if she had nowhere else to go but she can come home. Your dd should start pulling her up on her behaviour. Not sure why this one biatch seems to hold all the cards?

Slooodie359 · 12/12/2024 13:33

Daughter can talk to all 3, tell them she doesn’t think house is a “good fit”

no emotions in that phrase

Tell them, “house share isn’t good fit for me right now. I’m moving out by X date and will help find a 4th for you. I will pay until X date. I’ll put out a message to see if I can help you with getting new flatmate … please you do same “

stay out of any more involved discussion.

Just not worth the energy.

VanCleefArpels · 12/12/2024 13:34

lillylallylu · 12/12/2024 11:39

until summer but it's a contract which means she can leave at any point, but the rent for her room will then be divided between the others until they get a new housemate. My daughter is way too nice and is talking about continuing to pay her rent until they get a new housemate.

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Are you sure about that? Most joint tenancies are joint and several liability such that she would be liable for her share of the rent unless /until she gets a replacement. The other housemates don’t need to pay her share, it will just become a debt for her or her guarantor if there is one

oakleaffy · 12/12/2024 13:37

Cloverforever · 12/12/2024 13:18

I know another mental health practitioner who is also an absolute nightmare, so one sadly doesn't preclude the other.

Show quote history

Many mental health workers seem rather ..”unstable” - I too knew a bullying counsellor, who sniped at me for being “ middle class”

Ironically, it transpired that she had had a convent education and was trying to identify with “roughs” to be cool.

So wish I’d pulled her up on it. ( thankfully didn’t have to live with her) .

LindorDoubleChoc · 12/12/2024 13:39

Why can't she move to another house share? Presumably she only has to give a month's notice on the current one - then job done.

Propertyshmoperty · 12/12/2024 13:43

Nope don't let her pay till summer if she gets bullied out she can maybe give them an extra months rent to find someone otherwise they might not bother getting anyone in and continue to financially abuse her, if the nasty one is that way out she might block anyone else coming in.

If the other housemates won't stick up for her and nip any bullying in the bud that's on them too. Xx

But I agree with others

a) stick up for herself and question any bullying, what's the bully going to do assault your daughter and lose her job? Will she fuck.
b) tell the others she's giving notice to move out as she feels bullied and doesn't want to leave her room giving them a months notice to find someone else.
c) move her back with you asap. Not worth her mental health Xx

Seriously don't let her pay up till summer though, they can piss right off. Xx

oakleaffy · 12/12/2024 13:45

LindorDoubleChoc · 12/12/2024 13:39

Why can't she move to another house share? Presumably she only has to give a month's notice on the current one - then job done.

If she moves back to mum’s house there will be a considerable saving to put down as a house deposit.
probably at least an extra £400 minimum a month- more if bills are included depending on where OP ‘s daughter lives.

My son lived here after a year’s work abroad- he liked his Canadian housemates , but rent here is soooo expensive that we suggested living here for a couple of years to get a deposit for own mortgaged house. ( He now has that)
Renting is crap.

AgnesX · 12/12/2024 13:46

BurgundyBear · 12/12/2024 11:43

I think this is what she should do, as she is choosing to leave.
When I lived in houseshares we all had individual contacts which made it clear if we left before the end of the contract we were liable to pay until the end.
Whatever the reason for your daughter wanting to leave, it is her decision to do so, and I don’t think it’s fair to lumber the other housemates with the additional cost.

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Good God no. Give a month's notice and explain to the others why. If it's noticeable to a visitor then it'll be obvious to everyone and they should have put the skids under the snotty flatmate earlier.

Maray1967 · 12/12/2024 13:51

lillylallylu · 12/12/2024 11:39

until summer but it's a contract which means she can leave at any point, but the rent for her room will then be divided between the others until they get a new housemate. My daughter is way too nice and is talking about continuing to pay her rent until they get a new housemate.

Show quote history

Ok, so that’s her leverage. She needs to speak to the group and make it clear that she’s leaving and it will hit them financially unless the unpleasant one knocks it on the head.

I’m a pretty tough person and as soon as I realised someone was trying to bully me I’d confront that person directly - but I know most folks would struggle to do that. But she really is in a strong position here - unless they’ve got someone else lined up for the room?

BlitheSpirits · 12/12/2024 13:52

AgnesX · 12/12/2024 13:46

Good God no. Give a month's notice and explain to the others why. If it's noticeable to a visitor then it'll be obvious to everyone and they should have put the skids under the snotty flatmate earlier.

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she can't 'give a month's notice' m she is legally liable for ger share of the rent and bills until summer unless or until she can get someone else to take over her share of the contract. There will then be charges for getting all that drawn up, and thats if the landlord is agreeable to it.

MissSookieStackhouse · 12/12/2024 13:53

Definitely check if she is liable for the rent to the end of the contract. If not, she’d be a fool to herself to carry on paying just to be ‘nice’. Definitely let the others know why she’s moving out when she goes, so the flatmates can get the nasty flatmate to pay extra to cover the rent shortfall she’s created. It will also incentivise them to protect the next poor sod who moves into this toxic environment.

Fluffyiguana · 12/12/2024 13:54

Everyone on here is saying what she 'should do' in regards to paying rent without any understanding of rental agreements / contracts.

As harsh as it sounds, it doesn't matter whatsoever what people think is morally right or what's fair, or that she's being bullied.

It's completely irrelevant.

It only matters what the contract says. If she's signed a joint contract until summer, the terms are very likely that she is responsible for the rent (or at least jointly responsible) and she can be pursued legally for any rent she doesn't pay.

oakleaffy · 12/12/2024 13:54

AgnesX · 12/12/2024 13:46

Good God no. Give a month's notice and explain to the others why. If it's noticeable to a visitor then it'll be obvious to everyone and they should have put the skids under the snotty flatmate earlier.

Show quote history

Chances are the other housemates don’t like the Bitch ass tenant either.
But if moving home would genuinely help OP’s daughter to save hard for a mortgage deposit, it’s a no brainer.

Saving for a deposit while renting is very hard.

Moving away from home is important for young people- It helps them grow, but moving back for practical reasons ( like getting onto the housing ladder) is a good plan.

Stretchanoctave · 12/12/2024 13:54

MatildaTheCat · 12/12/2024 12:44

Paying while they ‘look for someone else’ is madness. They would have no incentive to find someone else and enjoy the extra space.

I suggest she speaks to the others quietly and says she’s thinking of leaving due to this problem and see what they say. If she leaves just give them minimum notice and go.

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Definitely this. She must not pay as they will take advantage of her. She can give notice. Say she is moving back home in a couple of months to give them time to find someone. I would definitely mention to the others why I was going.

woffley · 12/12/2024 13:56

It's not worth the mental effort to persevere IMO. I wouldn't confront or try to stick it out I would just leave and go home and concentrate on enjoying the new job.
Let her move home, spend a few months building up some savings and she can move later to somewhere more suitable.

I had both of my DC at home for a few months when the first started grad jobs and it was a pleasure to help and they both eventually found nice places to live.

Viviennemary · 12/12/2024 13:58

lillylallylu · 12/12/2024 11:13

so my adult daughter moved into a house share after uni and one of the flat mates is being an arse with her. It's constant passive aggressive comments and aggressive comments (telling her she's got a weird face, disguised as a joke) , criticising her all the time, being mean, offhand, prickly. She said she feels uncomfortable and spends lots of time in her room rather than the communal space. Her friend went round yesterday and told her that he'd noticed it too and that the housemate is horrible to her.

Four of them were living there already when she arrived and my daughter thinks that if she discusses this person's behaviour with the others, they'll dismiss it as banter and "it's just how she is". My daughter doesn't see the point in confronting arsey housemate directly as she'll just deny it and ramp up the behaviour.

My daughter has a good grad job, well paid, and is now talking about moving back in with us to save so she's got enough for her own place, to live alone. I'm happy to have her back as she's good company and respectful. Is this the only option or is there another way for her to approach it? I hate that arseholes like this housemate get to push nice, decent people out.
(she asked me to post this here as she knows I'm a prolific mumsnetter 🤣🤣)

This person is a bully. Your daughter should move out. And should absolutely not pay the rent unless it's in her contract. She has been driven out.

AgnesX · 12/12/2024 13:59

BlitheSpirits · 12/12/2024 13:52

she can't 'give a month's notice' m she is legally liable for ger share of the rent and bills until summer unless or until she can get someone else to take over her share of the contract. There will then be charges for getting all that drawn up, and thats if the landlord is agreeable to it.

Show quote history

One of OPs posts said she didn't have an individual contract, just that the costs would fall on the others.

A month's notice might motivate them to give snotty flatmate a swift boot in the proverbial (metaphorically not literally before you draw breath).

Why should she live with a mean flatmate if she doesn't have to.

oakleaffy · 12/12/2024 14:00

I keep hearing on radio how hard it is to find somewhere to rent - Surely it won’t be too hard to find someone new to move in to the shared house?

The landlord also ought to know that bullying is going on in his/ her house.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 12/12/2024 14:00

kelsaycobbles · 12/12/2024 11:23

Unfair? Why?

The other 4 will have to cover cost of rent whilst she isn't there, the landlord will get pissed if there is a constant churn and they will now know why

She gets to save more for her future

No they won't. If it's rented on a room by room basis they'll each have their own contract. It will be the landlord who loses out.

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