daughter hates her house share, best way to approach?

[lillylallylu]

so my adult daughter moved into a house share after uni and one of the flat mates is being an arse with her. It's constant passive aggressive comments and aggressive comments (telling her she's got a weird face, disguised as a joke) , criticising her all the time, being mean, offhand, prickly. She said she feels uncomfortable and spends lots of time in her room rather than the communal space. Her friend went round yesterday and told her that he'd noticed it too and that the housemate is horrible to her.

Four of them were living there already when she arrived and my daughter thinks that if she discusses this person's behaviour with the others, they'll dismiss it as banter and "it's just how she is". My daughter doesn't see the point in confronting arsey housemate directly as she'll just deny it and ramp up the behaviour.

My daughter has a good grad job, well paid, and is now talking about moving back in with us to save so she's got enough for her own place, to live alone. I'm happy to have her back as she's good company and respectful. Is this the only option or is there another way for her to approach it? I hate that arseholes like this housemate get to push nice, decent people out.
(she asked me to post this here as she knows I'm a prolific mumsnetter 🤣🤣)

If these are the conditions of her contract, she's not being nice in continuing to pay, but a bit of a push over tbh, especially if she is trying to save to get her own place.

Is this a normal contact these days? So, if all apart from one tenant up and left the one remaining person would have to pay the full rent?

When she saves for a place of her own she can ask one of her nicer friends to move in with her.
Your DD still has time to experience a nice share house.

Having an awful housemate in a houseshare is something everyone goes through at some point.

I'm surprised neither you or her seem to understand the basics of what contract she signed though! She will have to pay rent til her contract ends in the summer. Technically she could stop paying and hope the remaining tenants cover her, but that a) would be shitty thing to do and b) if they don't/can't cover her, the landlord could come after all of the tenants (including your daughter) for the missing money.

She needs to talk to the landlord/agent and ask if she finds a replacement, will they let her leave her contract ("tenancy swap" I think this is called). This happened a few times in my house sharing days, when people got new jobs in another city etc part way through the tenancy. They landlord is within their rights to say no though. She should also talk to her housemates and get them on board. That will make it more likely the landlord will say yes.

If her aim is to get out asap and do a tenancy swap, she should just keep her mouth shut about the awful housemate for now.

I’m sure if OPs daughter has secured a degree and a good grad job she can do this herself.

She is also liable.

I am a landlord and I have never seen a Tenancy Agreement that releases liability from rent and passes it on to remaining tenants if someone chooses to leave. I would never agree to that.

Of course she can choose to leave but I very much doubt that she can pass on liability for rent to the remaining tenants during the initial fixed term of the lease.

After the fixed term ends any one of them can choose to terminate the whole tenancy with appropriate notice.

I would urge her to seek advice. If she left the others to find her share they might default on the rent. The landlord could pursue any or all of them for payment.

I checked all this sort of stuff when my son was at uni and needed me to be his guarantor. I wanted to make sure that he (I!) was not liable if his house mates defaulted on their rent.

she's got a letting agent so will
check with them and go through the contract, but she'd be happy to continue paying if she has to.
(and would've paid until they got
someone new even if she had no liability because she's decent)

I left a situation like this once and the landlord/agent were happy for me to find a replacement for the room, it’s quite an opportunity to find someone who will make them wish they had been nicer to your daughter ;)

What's her share of bills and council tax on the place? Even if she still has to cover the rent, they're going to be on the hook for her share of those once she goes.

Paying while they ‘look for someone else’ is madness. They would have no incentive to find someone else and enjoy the extra space.

I suggest she speaks to the others quietly and says she’s thinking of leaving due to this problem and see what they say. If she leaves just give them minimum notice and go.

Definitely have her move home. The house mate is am arse.

This penalty to the others is an excellent motivator to get them to step in and tell the bitchy housemate to start behaving better.

Your daughter should tell them she’s moving out, and she’s sorry they’ll have to cover the rent whilst they find someone, but she cannot tolerate living with constant bullying.

This will be an ongoing problem for the others, and it’s a good opportunity for your DD to say something, and hopefully (!) get some sort of comeuppance on bitchy housemate.

Paying rent even when she moves out is making herself a victim and a pushover/doormat. Not something you should be encouraging, it’s not a good habit to fall into being a martyr for the sake of others

It's not about decency, it's a legal contract.

She needs to find someone to take over her part of it. If she's not been able to stand up to this person in the time she has been there then I'm not sure why people are suggesting she does so now, if it's not able to then she's not. I think that just leaving is the best choice and now it's up to her to engineer the best way of doing that while maintaining her responsibilities as contracted.

That sounds lunatic, if she's leaving because of continual unpleasant behaviour from a housemate. Why on earth would she consider herself liable for rent and bills?

If she won't challenge the housemate's behaviour, and won't talk to her fellow-housemates because she thinks they will side with the arse, and she's so concerned to make sure that her being bullied out of the house should have no consequences for any of those living there, including the bully, is it possible she's got a problem with people-pleasing and self-assertion?

If its a joint contract they are all liable - including your daughter if she moves out. And if you or other parents signed as guarantors then you are also liable.

It's absolutely horrible when you live in a toxic atmosphere / with someone you don't like but I don't see how your daughter honouring the contract she's committed to and continuing to pay even if she moves out is her being 'way too nice'?

If I was one of the other flatmates and your daughter wanted to move out and have us all pay her share I would be livid and it would be the end of the friendship tbh.

Sorry but I'd definitely dissuade her from continuing to pay if she hasn't got to legally. Who is to say that they'd tell her when someone else moved in? It is good to be kind but not to let others take advantage. I am sorry for your daughter 💐 some people will always be nasty.

Why isn't the answer to 'it's just how she is' not 'well, this is how I am'?

Have any of the other people who live there noticed any of the arsey person's behaviour?

If she isn't legally obliged to pay and continues to do so she's just foolish. Encourage her to stand up for herself! Why on earth would they bother finding another flat mate if they know she'll continue to pay ...

Unfortunately life's full of these types of people, put you down to make themselves feel good.

She should listen to Jefferson Fisher on Instagram, he has a very good way of advising how to build confidence and what to say in way that's non confrontational but gets the point across.

Actually if they are passively supporting the abuser, I think they do deserve to get lumbered. If she feels she can, I'd challenge the abuser though, calmly and publicly. There are people who always need a victim and the other housemates may just be relieved its not them. Such people will look for another victim if challenged, the trick though is not to attack them or do anything that will make them able to pretend to be the victim...all the usual MN favourites...ask them to repeat what they said because she didn't catch what was said or because she need it explaining, relentless cheerfulness and chit chat in the face of offhandedness and prickliness with perhaps a "caring" enquiry if the person is feeling ok.....I get that this is very stressful, but it does work. I had to deal with a near neighbour like this a few years ago and even with my combination of years and nastiness it was hard...they were charming to all the other neighbours and I was the victim. It occurs to me to wonder why the previous sharer left and whether Tenant Nastyface drove them out too....oh and by the way "That's just what she's like" or "its just her way" can often be code for "we are too scared of her to challenge her" Lastly she may just choose to leave of course. Dealing with such people is hard and takes more mental strength than most people are aware of.

I think she should move back in with you by Christmas and leave the rest of them to cover the rent. She can tell the other housemates clearly why she is doing this too. No need to be too nice, bully girl clearly isn't nice.

She'll be much happier with you, and she'll be able to save much more, with a view to getting a place of her own with nobody else there to insult and annoy her. It would make a lot of sense from that point of view and could be an attractive option for her.

I don't think it is worth sticking it out with this dickhead whether she tackles her about it or not. She'll never trust her again. She will always be wondering when the next salvo will be coming and how to deal with it, so on edge all the time. Life's too short for that bollocks and a leopard very rarely changes its spots. A dickhead will always be a dickhead in my own experience.

Just double check her rental agreement to make sure she wouldn't actually remain liable for the rent. I would have thought that it would pass on to the other tenants but could be wrong. I am a landlord but my experience doesn't lie with house-shares.

Looks like I'm in the minority here but I think she should stand up for herself instead of running home to Mummy.

She's an adult who should be able to deal with conflict by now. If she forever let's people get away with behaviour like this, she is not going to have the best time in life.

This is a perfect opportunity to stand up for herself. Give examples of the behaviour to this bully and say it's not ok. Put it on her and say she hope's she doesn't treat her patients like this.

Don't run away, make a stand otherwise they'll forever get away with it.

House shares can be like that. She should move out and find another house share - no need to move back in with you.

Just leave
Plenty other shares around
At that stage I moved many times