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Original poster

daughter hates her house share, best way to approach?

201 replies

lillylallylu · 12/12/2024 11:13

so my adult daughter moved into a house share after uni and one of the flat mates is being an arse with her. It's constant passive aggressive comments and aggressive comments (telling her she's got a weird face, disguised as a joke) , criticising her all the time, being mean, offhand, prickly. She said she feels uncomfortable and spends lots of time in her room rather than the communal space. Her friend went round yesterday and told her that he'd noticed it too and that the housemate is horrible to her.

Four of them were living there already when she arrived and my daughter thinks that if she discusses this person's behaviour with the others, they'll dismiss it as banter and "it's just how she is". My daughter doesn't see the point in confronting arsey housemate directly as she'll just deny it and ramp up the behaviour.

My daughter has a good grad job, well paid, and is now talking about moving back in with us to save so she's got enough for her own place, to live alone. I'm happy to have her back as she's good company and respectful. Is this the only option or is there another way for her to approach it? I hate that arseholes like this housemate get to push nice, decent people out.
(she asked me to post this here as she knows I'm a prolific mumsnetter 🤣🤣)

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 12/12/2024 15:24

Two ways to deal with this…either move out and just forget about her. Or call her out and when she’s rude your daughter should say

God Amy, for a mental health nurse you can be so bloody rude

or

What on earth is your problem? Are you being vile so I move out? Because come the New Year that’s what I’m thinking as I just can’t tolerate these comments Amy.

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 12/12/2024 15:25

I can it imagine, had it been a thing back then, at age 21+ asking my mum to post on a web forum to ask how to deal with something like this.

Mind you, at 21 I was rewiring the house I’d bought at 19, so I wouldn’t have needed to.

Petrasings · 12/12/2024 15:33

I have a dd of the same age, and I would encourage you to help her assert herself op. There are bad apples in every pile in life, and it’s best to learn how to deal with them. Just leaving will not serve her well in the long run.

My dd had this in her first year at uni. She messaged the girl for a coffee outside of the house and asked her if there was a problem she was unaware of as she had noticed unkind comments and tension. Once she established there was no underlying reason she asked the other girl to stop, said it was making the house unpleasant for everyone, and she wasn’t comfortable putting up with it.

It worked, and the girl backed off although they never became friends, and there was the odd dig still but nothing much. Under a year later she moved out with other people (and it’s now toxic in her new house) for her second year.

Your dd needs to know this isn’t her problem, and although not pleasant is unlikely to stop unless she addresses the issue. She can do so politely and respectfully. It doesn’t need to be handbags at dawn 😊

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Original poster
lillylallylu · 12/12/2024 15:37

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 12/12/2024 15:25

I can it imagine, had it been a thing back then, at age 21+ asking my mum to post on a web forum to ask how to deal with something like this.

Mind you, at 21 I was rewiring the house I’d bought at 19, so I wouldn’t have needed to.

good for you! 👏👏👏

OP posts:
Christmaseason · 12/12/2024 15:40

My DS was in a really similar situation, it was heartbreaking to see him so unhappy. He also spent all his time in his room and could never get use of the bathroom or washing machine. His mental health really suffered.

Christmaseason · 12/12/2024 15:41

I can it imagine, had it been a thing back then, at age 21+ asking my mum to post on a web forum to ask how to deal with something like this.
Mind you, at 21 I was rewiring the house I’d bought at 19, so I wouldn’t have needed to.

Good empathy.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 12/12/2024 15:43

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 12/12/2024 15:25

I can it imagine, had it been a thing back then, at age 21+ asking my mum to post on a web forum to ask how to deal with something like this.

Mind you, at 21 I was rewiring the house I’d bought at 19, so I wouldn’t have needed to.

Shall I send your medal in the post?

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 12/12/2024 15:46

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 12/12/2024 15:43

Shall I send your medal in the post?

Show quote history

Nah. Being mortgage free by 45 was reward enough. :)

Hedgerow2 · 12/12/2024 15:49

Unfortunately there are lots of unpleasant people in the world and your dd needs to learn how to deal with them. She shouldn't be walking away from the situation without any attempt to assert herself and deal with the problem.

She needs to challenge the perpetrator when they make disparaging remarks, appealing to her other housemates if necessary and spelling out the financial implications for them if she leaves.

There's certainly a good argument for moving back home after uni to save money (2 of mine did). But that's a separate issue. She really can't let someone walk all over her like this - she's setting herself up for this to happen in other situations.

SereneCapybara · 12/12/2024 15:49

I'd be tempted to play up the housemate's job and confront her. Some time when they are alone, quietly and calmly say:

'You work in mental health, so you understand completely the effects of bullying on a person's sense of wellbeing and safety. I need you to understand that all your comments about my 'weird face' and 'other stuff' are making me so uncomfortable I don't feel able to socialise in my own home and spend more time in my room than I want to. I have told you now, and I know you have a professional understanding of its impact on me, so if it happens again I will know you are deliberately bullying me.'

Then walk away. If it's too hard to say, maybe she could write a note. But saying it to her face as calmly and unemotionally as possible would be the power move. Even if the woman reacts badly, it's a power move because your daughter will be practising standing up to bullies in the future.

sausagesforteaagain · 12/12/2024 15:53

Golly loving all the boomer energy on the thread from that’snotmyname……… can’t imagine why they get called cunt when their name is Mavis.

Anyway. Sounds a bit like your DD has given up, she needs a multi pronged attack:

1 Reframe the bitch comments as useful sparring with someone she doesn’t care about. Think of a few put downs and use them. Think is it as practise for a work bully who she can’t escape.

2 look at the lease and make sure she know what she is liable for

3 start looking for a replacement tenant.

4 tell the other flat mates that she’s looking to move out as the house atmosphere isn’t pleasant. No need to name the bitch tenant - just say ‘it’s not working for me’.

good life skills around !

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 12/12/2024 15:55

loving all the boomer energy on the thread from that’snotmyname………

Gen X. (The one that grew up and cut the apron strings by adulthood.)

Allthehorsesintheworld · 12/12/2024 15:58

i decided long ago that life is too short to put up with shit people.
Your dd owes them nothing.
She can leave, leaving a note for gobby mouth saying what she thinks of her and another to the landlord saying why she’s leaving.

By continuing to pay when she doesn’t need to she’s just enabling the bully to carry on as she is.

Anon1274 · 12/12/2024 16:00

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 12/12/2024 15:55

loving all the boomer energy on the thread from that’snotmyname………

Gen X. (The one that grew up and cut the apron strings by adulthood.)

But unfortunately was not taught basic manners and decency by said adults. At least you could wire your house though, hey 🙄

HangingOver · 12/12/2024 16:06

LlynTegid · 12/12/2024 11:42

I'd be tempted to say if it continues you will raise a concern with her employer, though it must be something 100% you or your DD go through with her.

This is unhinged

Differentstarts · 12/12/2024 16:08

Is the flatmate like this with the others, is your daughter use to being around a lot of banter like this. It's hard to get the full story without witnessing it. I call my friends and boyfriend all sorts of names and they call me them back it's how we bond. Is the flatmate and your daughter from different areas of the country

Hedgerow2 · 12/12/2024 16:14

By continuing to pay when she doesn’t need to she’s just enabling the bully to carry on as she is.

This.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 12/12/2024 16:30

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 12/12/2024 15:46

Nah. Being mortgage free by 45 was reward enough. :)

Show quote history

Well good for you but that's not constructive to the OP

Crumpleton · 12/12/2024 17:18

ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat · 12/12/2024 15:46

Nah. Being mortgage free by 45 was reward enough. :)

Show quote history

Gosh....that old.

Original poster
lillylallylu · 12/12/2024 17:37

thought you'd like an update. DD has ready all your replies and says thankyou. She thought she couldn't sign up here because she's not a Mum. 🤣 So she asked me. After reading your replies, she's had a chat with her nice housemate friend, who knows what nasty housemate is like. She didn't realise some of what was said and she's
promised to stick up for dd if this continues. Dd has decided she's going to come back at her with a confident response if she does again and call her out loudly. She's found to give it till spring and see what happens, then move on in the summer if
no improvement. So thank you guys, your replies were really so helpful and have helped her to have a really challenging conversation today,
which she'd normally shy away from.
Thankyou all! 💐💐💐

OP posts:
Original poster
lillylallylu · 12/12/2024 17:39

apologies for all the bloody typos 😩

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 12/12/2024 17:53

She sounds like a lovely girl and it sounds like you have a really great mother / daughter relationship. I hope her confidence continues to grow :)

godmum56 · 12/12/2024 18:08

lillylallylu · 12/12/2024 17:37

thought you'd like an update. DD has ready all your replies and says thankyou. She thought she couldn't sign up here because she's not a Mum. 🤣 So she asked me. After reading your replies, she's had a chat with her nice housemate friend, who knows what nasty housemate is like. She didn't realise some of what was said and she's
promised to stick up for dd if this continues. Dd has decided she's going to come back at her with a confident response if she does again and call her out loudly. She's found to give it till spring and see what happens, then move on in the summer if
no improvement. So thank you guys, your replies were really so helpful and have helped her to have a really challenging conversation today,
which she'd normally shy away from.
Thankyou all! 💐💐💐

well done both of you

godmum56 · 12/12/2024 18:12

Differentstarts · 12/12/2024 16:08

Is the flatmate like this with the others, is your daughter use to being around a lot of banter like this. It's hard to get the full story without witnessing it. I call my friends and boyfriend all sorts of names and they call me them back it's how we bond. Is the flatmate and your daughter from different areas of the country

I really hate the "banter" excuse. If you do "banter" and it gets no response do you continue with it?

MimiGC · 12/12/2024 18:16

When she is standing up to the horrible housemate, I would encourage your daughter to turn the focus on her ie 'what is wrong with you that you feel the need to say nasty things?' or ' you are carrying on doing something I've asked you not to do, why? What is wrong with you that you can't follow a simple request?' Etc