daughter hates her house share, best way to approach?

[lillylallylu]

so my adult daughter moved into a house share after uni and one of the flat mates is being an arse with her. It's constant passive aggressive comments and aggressive comments (telling her she's got a weird face, disguised as a joke) , criticising her all the time, being mean, offhand, prickly. She said she feels uncomfortable and spends lots of time in her room rather than the communal space. Her friend went round yesterday and told her that he'd noticed it too and that the housemate is horrible to her.

Four of them were living there already when she arrived and my daughter thinks that if she discusses this person's behaviour with the others, they'll dismiss it as banter and "it's just how she is". My daughter doesn't see the point in confronting arsey housemate directly as she'll just deny it and ramp up the behaviour.

My daughter has a good grad job, well paid, and is now talking about moving back in with us to save so she's got enough for her own place, to live alone. I'm happy to have her back as she's good company and respectful. Is this the only option or is there another way for her to approach it? I hate that arseholes like this housemate get to push nice, decent people out.
(she asked me to post this here as she knows I'm a prolific mumsnetter 🤣🤣)

yes, good advice, thank you!

But is she laughing or responding. I would certainly stop if someone said to me they don't like that sort of humour I'm just not use to people like that so I would need telling

it's not humour or banter though; it's comments about her appearance or personality, said with a laugh, dismissed as banter, but the words are definitely intended to hurt. Banter is a poor excuse.

Does she do it to everyone or just your daughter

I agree with the 'What is wrong with you? That's so nasty' responses - but I'd also probably encourage her to say in front of the others , 'I'm not going to stay here with a bully who, frankly is damaging my mental health with the constant snipey, nasty remarks. If it continues I'll pack and go - and the rest of you can split my rent between you. That seems to be what 'Sarah' is aiming for'.

Let the bully have some peer pressure put on her to stop bitching - the rest of them don't want to be stuck with paying your DDs rent til the summer. Make it clear that this is becoming a real possibility.

@Differentstarts she's done it to others and it seems the person who's room dd took, left because of her

That's what I mean its perhaps just her humour. The fact she works as a mental health nurse means she's possibly been through some shit and she's developed dark and sarcastic humour due to it. If your daughter doesn't like that type of humour that's fine but she really needs to tell her as she possibly genuinely doesn't know it bothers her. I'm trying to give you a pov of someone who also uses this type of humour

My daughter had a massive falling out with a housemate last year who was vile to her. How she handled it was to call a house meeting and discuss it so it was recognised and open, then spend as little time as possible in the same space as M. Most of the time she was either out or in her room and, once she'd met boyfriend, spent time at his place. By the end of the year, they were on civil terms but will not be friends again. I would say her first step is to speak to this girl privately and say that she is finding some of her comments hurtful and could she please stop. Second recourse would be to hold a house meeting, explain what's been happening and in the nicest way possible say that the behaviour has made her really not want to live there any more. Step three is to move out.

Is your daughter living with my sister? 😂

does she live in a place which starts with the letter C?

This. Time to learn to stick up for herself a bit.

@lillylallylu no, but the person you describe sounds very much like my sibling.
Two people moved out of a house-share after she moved in. I really feel for your daughter, if she wants to stay in the house she's going to need to put this idiot in her place. No one should be made to feel like they have to leave their home.

I was thinking that was more than likely the reason for the room being empty.

Its a good update.

But I would keep her options open as long as she can leave with no penalty to herself.

I used to work in the NHS and totally understand the dark humour thing BUT you keep it for work and don't unleash it on strangers or use it as a way of befriending strangers.

And yet here you are on mumsnet. Did you feel good after posting such a smug patronising comment.

But everyone's different. The room mate might just be a nasty bully. But I'm just trying to see it from the otherside and she would probably feel horrible if she knew she was actually hurting op daughter.

I would have thought it was pretty much commonsense as well as good manners not to take the dark humour home?

I use it all the time

with strangers?

Yeah, this is how i show love and bond with people. op daughter and her roommate aren't strangers their roommates.

They are not room mates, they are house sharers.

@lillylallylu so sorry your DD is going through this.
While she still has to live with that CF, maybe arm her with these....

parade.com/1105374/marynliles/good-comebacks/

Can I be honest?

You're treating her like a 6 year old who has to be protected from the nasty girl at school. You are reinforcing the notion that even though she's an adult, mum will swoop in and sort it all out for her just like you did when she was six.

She will encounter nasty people throughout her life. This is a life lesson on how to deal with them. She can either train herself not to give a shit and grey rock the bully until they get bored or she can stand up for herself and tell the bully to fuck off.

I get it's hard if you're not naturally confrontational and of course there is nothing to stop he finding another house share.

@godmum56 roommates can mean hoise sharers in USA terminology and has been used that way in this thread several times. In Friends, Joey&Chandler refer to eachother as roommates despite having separate bedrooms, and so do Rachel&Monica.

She needs to confront the bully housemate, preferably in front of the others. I'd also reference the bully's job in my dressing down, ' you are a mental health practitioner and you think it's ok to speak to people like that?, wow, how do you treat your patients?' They won't like that.

I think she should also point out infront of all the other housemates, that she feels she has no choice but to leave due to the bully and therefore it's only fair the bully pays the rent shortfall as it's all their fault. Bully will kick off at this no doubt, hopefully other Housemates may then turn on the bully as their behaviour is now costing them money. Literally make the arse pay.