daughter hates her house share, best way to approach?

[lillylallylu]

so my adult daughter moved into a house share after uni and one of the flat mates is being an arse with her. It's constant passive aggressive comments and aggressive comments (telling her she's got a weird face, disguised as a joke) , criticising her all the time, being mean, offhand, prickly. She said she feels uncomfortable and spends lots of time in her room rather than the communal space. Her friend went round yesterday and told her that he'd noticed it too and that the housemate is horrible to her.

Four of them were living there already when she arrived and my daughter thinks that if she discusses this person's behaviour with the others, they'll dismiss it as banter and "it's just how she is". My daughter doesn't see the point in confronting arsey housemate directly as she'll just deny it and ramp up the behaviour.

My daughter has a good grad job, well paid, and is now talking about moving back in with us to save so she's got enough for her own place, to live alone. I'm happy to have her back as she's good company and respectful. Is this the only option or is there another way for her to approach it? I hate that arseholes like this housemate get to push nice, decent people out.
(she asked me to post this here as she knows I'm a prolific mumsnetter 🤣🤣)

They can find someone else quick time, it's not like the room will be empty long

She should tell them she is leaving and they need to find a replacement for her or they will need to cover the rent between them. When they ask why, be honest - 'Mary is a complete bitch'

Life is unfair - either they go or she does - she has control and power and agency in her life, she can vote with her feet.

You cant change people, but you can control how you interact with them - or not.

Well, the sooner she raises that subject, telling that housemate is being a dick and that is why she is leaving, they have the option to tell dickhousemate to wind it the fuck in or fuck the fuck off, or accept that your DD is leaving and they will all have to shoulder the room cost until they find someone else.

This is not her fault or problem to fix.

her ONLY power in this is that they will have to cover her room cost. if they don't want that to happen, the house can intervene and set out rules/boundaries. They probably think its 'banter' and that DD is not as bothered as she is about this.

She should just leave. Life is too short to have to put up with arseholes unless are stuck with them and she's not

I'm a letting agent and i've never seen a lease like that. I think you need to double check that.

@Iwishicouldflyhigh she says it's a joint contract apparently so they're jointly responsible for rent if someone leaves?

Joint contract will mean that everyone (including your daughter) is jointly responsible for the full rent being paid. So if another tenant doesn't pay, in theory your daughter (and the other tenants) could be pursued for the arrears.

She can't just leave.

But why did she sign a lease with people she didn't know?

When we do a flat share, we rent out the rooms on individual basis on separate leases.

Your dd could try and call out the cows behaviour by saying are you OK.. ? And faking concern for her
Then shae could say to the others is x OK? I'm really worried about her ....

I think it's good that she's got the option to come home, but learning to assert yourself (in a house share but in general) is also really good life experience - I'd tell her to be a bit firmer and stand up for herself a bit, as she's got nothing to lose by doing that. I also agree she should be responsible for paying her share of the rent until the end of the contract - she's assuming the others don't also think the rude housemate is a dick without having tried to speak to them and it's not really fair for them to be lumbered because your DD is moving out.

If I were her, I would let the others know when leaving it’s because of arsehole flatmate, and suggest she takes over the extra rent as it’s her fault.

She certainly won’t be popular if they all have to pay more because of her!

I think I’d be telling the other housemates their friend is making living here miserable. I’m moving out asap unless something changes and you’ll have to pay up the extra rent..

does she ever challenge the person on their comments. Does she ever tell them to grow the fuck up or that they are pathetic. I mean come on I’ve seen this behaviour in 12 years olds.

I certainly wouldn’t be paying rent to help out people that bully or ignore bullying.

The flatmate does sound horrible, but do I understand correctly that your DD sees no point in either addressing this directly with the mean flatmate nor indirectly with another flatmate (who could then feed back to meanie, 'your comments are upsetting and irritating Susan, knock it off')? She sees her only options as tolerating it or escaping from the situation by moving out?

It may be that these are the only options, if nothing can be changed, but it seems more likely that the mean flatmate's behaviour can be affected and changed. This is even more so if the person thinks it's "banter" - so they can refrain from bantering, can't they. They might have this mean dynamic with their friends (there was recently a post on MN about someone's son and his girlfriend speaking in insulting ways to each other, to which other posters contributed saying they also have this kind of relationship with someone - odd to me) and wrongly directing it also at your DD.

It may be that it's gone on too long and the cumulative effect of it has built up too much for your DD to ever feel at ease there, in which case she should leave. But she should also consider for the future her way of approaching such conflict situations. It's not good for her to view it through this passive lens of "there's nothing I can do to change this, I can't talk to the person directly or through an intermediary, I can only endure or escape".

Oh that's a horrible contract, I thought she would have her own - people should never sign anything that leaves them at the mercy of others. So she needs to find a replacement for her part of the contract and then she can leave - SpareRoom is good for stuff like this. She needs to get an advert up, pronto.

Your daughter is too nice. If the girl makes a joke on her appearance then she needs to say 'sorry are you talking about how I look?' and if she says yes then she calls her straight out as a hitch and if she says no then she tells her that's how it's coming across and she doesn't like it. If they keep saying it's just a joke then she has to say how would you like it if I made jokes all the time about your (insert criticism- big nose/forehead). The others need to get there too. You can't back down from this crap and you have to sound reasonable. If they push them she makes it clear if the crap continues they need to find someone else for the room .
I've lived with girls like that and it's tough going but she can't just leave without saying anything, are needs to give the others a chance to call the bitch out too. But even just for a life lesson for your daughter that she needs to stand up for herself. If the convo goes badly then comes straight home

Sounds like its a jointly liable one so she CAN leave and the others are liable.
If she joined after the others though she may be a substitution on the contract with a new one issued or the old tenant is subletting to her.
OP, can you get her to check?

I'd persuade her to try another house share rather than moving back in with you

I would call a house meeting and say it’s obvious X doesn’t like me / want me here we need to discuss the best way for my room to be relet.
might shock her into being nice for a period

She has leverage then. Spell out they will be liable if she leaves. It may be they have someone lined up they'd like to move in.

It does but she'll come across these sorts all the time, sadly

Do they all rent individually or is the lease in the name of one of the tenants?

If that's the case I'd go with (1) in the options above.
Call this person out.

"why are you saying that?"
"Are you always rude"
"Does your employer know you're a cnut"

And if this person really is a mental health professional they should probably not be,

If the other housemates aren't challenging this girl then I wouldn't care about leaving them with the rent, frankly.

She needs to give notice now and tell everyone exactly why.

Then come home

My daughter moved out of her share because she had a nightmare flatmate. She tried really hard but it started to affect her mental health. The flat was really small too so the only escape was her room. It was awful. She's now in a fantastic share in a much bigger place with a fab bunch of girls and really happy. Get her out of there and either find something else or let her move home until she does. Interestingly, the woman who took my daughter's place has also moved out. I think the first awful flatmate probably just wants the place to herself but she can't afford it.

why would her mum contact her landlord to tell them a tenant was a bit of an arse? Or confront the arsey housemate and give a pious speech? I get why OPs daughter will be speaking to her for advice but there's no reason for OP to actually intervene with the landlord lol.

Health is wealth. Sounds like your daughter should move back in with you asap.

I'd contact the lettings agent to double check the position re. the joint contract e.g. would your daughter need to pay the rent until the summer and if so, could the lettings agent come after any guarantors if the other housemates refuse to pay your daughter's share?. If this is the case, I'd ask whether your daughter could find a replacement tenant and if there would be any fees attached to this.