daughter hates her house share, best way to approach?

[lillylallylu]

so my adult daughter moved into a house share after uni and one of the flat mates is being an arse with her. It's constant passive aggressive comments and aggressive comments (telling her she's got a weird face, disguised as a joke) , criticising her all the time, being mean, offhand, prickly. She said she feels uncomfortable and spends lots of time in her room rather than the communal space. Her friend went round yesterday and told her that he'd noticed it too and that the housemate is horrible to her.

Four of them were living there already when she arrived and my daughter thinks that if she discusses this person's behaviour with the others, they'll dismiss it as banter and "it's just how she is". My daughter doesn't see the point in confronting arsey housemate directly as she'll just deny it and ramp up the behaviour.

My daughter has a good grad job, well paid, and is now talking about moving back in with us to save so she's got enough for her own place, to live alone. I'm happy to have her back as she's good company and respectful. Is this the only option or is there another way for her to approach it? I hate that arseholes like this housemate get to push nice, decent people out.
(she asked me to post this here as she knows I'm a prolific mumsnetter 🤣🤣)

Get her to ask the person to repeat the comment. Every time. "Your face is weird." "What did you just say?" She'll catch on. Another tactic is just to look at the person, make eye contact and after 3 or 4 seconds say "really?" and look at them like theyve made a really stupid comment.

yes, that's what she's doing, confronting the bully. I did give an update.
Not that leaving an awful situation would've been a bad thing either. I'm sure we've all left jobs where we've been forced to work alongside arseholes. I know I have. After agonising about it for ages. (and then ended up in better jobs wondering what took me so long)

Tell her to give her notice immediately then if they ask why, tell the housemates the truth. If they dismiss it as banter then I would say, "Things are only funny or banter when all people find it funny. Being made to feel constantly upset by her comments isn't banter, it's toxic so I am leaving. I appreciate the rest of you but she is intolerable and I am worth more than subjecting myself to constant passive aggressive bs"

I'd advise her to move out, although I agree it's a real shame. Bullies rarely change.
In a house share at university we had one obnoxious house mate: regularly stole other people's food, fried bacon in the Muslim lad's pan after he (really politely) asked us not to cook with his pans as he kept to a Halal diet. Smoked weed in the front garden.
One night a cheeky lad who shared with us was drunk, crashing about the house and laughing his head off. It was hardly unusual, so I ignored him. An hour or so later, I heard a scream and a lot of swearing. He'd written a note, "Fuck off Gail, we all hate you, Love SunflowerSeahorse" and attached it to her bedroom door with a knife. Bastard! She did move out soon after, so it was hard to stay cross for long.

I hope your daughter doesn't let this bully push her out of her home. One thing I would do is say how ironic you deal with mental health issues and yet you cause them in your personal life. Maybe I should report you for being a bully and you shouldn't do this type of work as you are a hypocrite. See how she likes that.

She needs to move out. Women can be real bitches to other women sometimes. Whatever the problem, it’s not your daughter’s to sort out or put up with. I wish your daughter well in the future.

Haven't RTFT so sorry if already suggested by could she use the Mumsnet classic 'did you mean to be so rude?'

She mustn't pay rent when not living there or the others, including nasty girl, have no incentive to get a new housemate.
Toughen up, or she will be paying NG's share too. A contract is a contract and the others signed it.

"Please stop being nasty" on repeat.

Punch her that will shut her up

Sounds like she needs a good blow off and pull this person up about her comments one to one. Not easy but it can make a huge difference. There will be other people in life like this and only way to is to stand up to them and call them out, question their behaviour. X

I’ve had this before, years ago off the landlords girlfriend who he moved in without consulting his tenants. I told her to fuck off and slammed a fork down next to her fingers. When I moved out I took her best perfume with me …

I'd definitely move but in the meantime, when the flatmate says something to DD look her in the eye and pause a few seconds then ask her to reap it. They generally don't.

If she says it's a joke. Ask how it's funny? They get bored when you don't respond.

Feel for yourDD, these toxic people are everywhere.

Good luck

Or say I can’t believe you’re a mental health practitioner did they not vet you first?
I would have thought you would need to be a bit less of a bitch to do your job!
maybe they were having problems recruiting!
( but then I can be a real bitch and have lived in house shares before!)
I found that being house mates and hanging out together doesn’t necessarily work .you do need to get on though and one bully should be dealt with. Did she have a friend that she wanted in your room and is acting like she is to deliberately get rid of her do you think?

Tell her to come home .
Before leaving though be at the house with her while she is collecting her things make sure horrible jealous arsy housemate is there.
Think of something picky or horrible to say to her .. tell the rest of her housemates how sorry you feel for them having to share a house with such an arse and shut that door behind you xx

Take to all other house mates , tell them what’s happening.
Ask others if they have any idea why she’s like this.
inform the others she’s going to call her out on this.
suggest she go on social media where there is plenty of advice on how to respond to this type of bullying.
She needs to learn to at least try and stand up for himself.
Bullying people only pick on people they think will take it.
Reassess situation after that.

I'd find a way of anonymously reporting the 'mental health' practitioner bully to their workplace. People like this shouldn't be allowed to work with vulnerable people & there's a reason why sociopaths are attracted to this type of work.

They are attracted by the power they have over their vulnerable patients. It's no surprise that she is a bully in her private life, how she treats her patients should be a concern.

No way and yes she is being too nice .
The housemate who is bullying it's her who is at fault so maybe by your daughter leaving this will show her a tadte of her own medicine .
Carrying on paying is an absolute no no .

MY son moved into a house share after university only to discover he was sharing with a group of pigs and the house was OVERRUN with COCKROACHES. I kid you not. One month's rent later, of which he was there about six days, we got him out of the rental agreement having informed the local council as well as the letting agents etc, and he's living at home with us for a while. He is high functioning autistic so needs a lot of support. But it's rather a mixed blessing as we only have one loo and he's a toilet hog...

Banter is something that's recognised as bullying, if you said banter at school to any safeguard lead they would cut you down and call it bullying.

Exactly- same as in our workplace. Went over it in detail in equality, diversity & sexual harassment training.

You must by law pay out joint tenancy contract unless you find someone to replace you, and the others agree to it. You can't just leave and not pay.

Definitely your dd should be posting to solve the matter, wherever, herself. Your support should be in the background. That's how she will learn confidence and other personal skills.

Re the other flatmates, she could confront by telling the person she has noticed they do x and y- and asking why she feels the need to do that? Stay firm and repeat as necessary. No need for aggression. Saying that 'you keep saying things intended to hurt and I'm wondering why you feel the need' sort of thing. Stay calm. She'llsoon back down if she is stood up to.

I feel for some young people in shared houses. So much filth left for others to clean up and entitled nonsense. Still, I suppose it's part of growing up, to learn to negotiate your way through, including confronting people who are behaving like arseholes.

This happened to my daughter,who was a first year and the youngest in uni house and shared with particularly nasty girl ( youngest of 5 sisters) well versed in manipulation etc turned out she’d done the same in her previous house share,!she made my daughters life hell ,
lead to my daughter dropping out of uni
and huge problems mental health wise
bullied by this girl constantly starting rumours etc.
if the contract allows get her out , it’s not worth the impact on her , she needs to have fun and feel secure , my daughter tried to sort it out but it was impossible, the girl just wanted to squeeze her out tbh I had my doubts about the girl at the outset .

Wow, well I'd wait until all the housemates are present, have her friend there for back up if needs be and call her out. Tell her something like considering your training to be a mental health worker I'm surprised by your constant digs. I really would appreciate if you would stop them now as I dont find them harmless or funny. When she replies "you're sensitive" just answer @stereotypical narc response". Your daughter needs to be the one who stands up and says stop - I'm guessing her house mates prob hate her also.

How is she getting on now op xx