daughter hates her house share, best way to approach?

[lillylallylu]

so my adult daughter moved into a house share after uni and one of the flat mates is being an arse with her. It's constant passive aggressive comments and aggressive comments (telling her she's got a weird face, disguised as a joke) , criticising her all the time, being mean, offhand, prickly. She said she feels uncomfortable and spends lots of time in her room rather than the communal space. Her friend went round yesterday and told her that he'd noticed it too and that the housemate is horrible to her.

Four of them were living there already when she arrived and my daughter thinks that if she discusses this person's behaviour with the others, they'll dismiss it as banter and "it's just how she is". My daughter doesn't see the point in confronting arsey housemate directly as she'll just deny it and ramp up the behaviour.

My daughter has a good grad job, well paid, and is now talking about moving back in with us to save so she's got enough for her own place, to live alone. I'm happy to have her back as she's good company and respectful. Is this the only option or is there another way for her to approach it? I hate that arseholes like this housemate get to push nice, decent people out.
(she asked me to post this here as she knows I'm a prolific mumsnetter 🤣🤣)

I've moved out of a flatshare because one of the others was a bit weird. She was up all night, moved my stuff around, just really awkward to be around.

So I found a new Tennant for my room on spaeroom and moved to a two bedroom flat with a fantastic housemate who I'm still friends with 10 years later :-)

It's very hit and miss sharing with people you don't know, and inevitably, there will be clashes of personality. Just move on if it's not right.

Life is full of idiots. Before she leaves she should confront the flatmate. IME mental health professionals are often the worst for making people feel like shit with their pseudo diagnosis and obscured judgmental bullshit.

Life is too short to live with people who make your life miserable. Your home needs to be a place of rest and relaxation, not somewhere you tread on eggshells.
Get her to leave ASAP and say why.

This is what I was going to suggest. She should move out when nobody is there and leave them a note saying who is moving in. She should choose a very loud, bolshy housemate who can stand up to the bitchy person to take over her room.

I dont think the OP understands how it works.
Jointly and severally liable does not mean she has no liability for the rent and bills if she mves out!

Same here. And I completely agree.
It's not worth getting into a battle over, it won't end well. I'd just get her bags packed and move her home asap while she looks for something new.

Unfortunately life isn’t fair.

Unfortunately she’s drawn the short straw with having a vile bully as a housemate.

Life’s too short for this type of thing. The sooner she moves out the better. Wether that’s with you, in a one bed flat or another house share with friends.

I think her moving back home is the best decision for her. Like you said she can save up money and get her own place. She doesn't need the stress and should never have to tolerate disrespect and criticism where she lays her own head. They are being mean and immature and no one should feel so uncomfortable where they live that they have to isolate themselves just to get a sense of peace. This is a toxic environment which is going to make it hard for her to thrive and stay focused on what she's trying to do. Hopefully she doesn't put this moving back home off for too long and does it right away so that no more time is wasted worrying about someone else's behavior. You cannot control or change other people or make them respect you but what you can do is change being around them and putting yourself in an environment that is healthy and conducive to your growth and success. So the sooner she moves back home, the better, and hopefully she'll eventually find the place and the peace that she so truly hopes for and desires.
Best wishes!!

Depends on what the contract says as to whether she is liable for the rent.

If she was homesick and wanted to move or something, I would agree. I wouldn't in this circumstance. They must be seeing what is happening,but not one of them has even spoken to your daughter privately to say they think it is unacceptable. So fuck them.

tell your DD to follow jefferson_fisher on instagram

He's very good at answering awkward jibes / bants in a calm way - the videos are fairly short as well

If her contract says that she can move out without financial penalty and the housemates bear the cost until a new person is found and it's the housemates who are making it to be such a toxic situation then the only reasonable thing to do is to talk frankly to the housemates - not just the bully but all of them.

Firstly - she will have to deal with horrible people many many times over the coming decades. Running home to mum is not always going to be available as a solution so sooner or later she needs to learn to deal with them. Secondly - she may be just the latest in a long line of victims that the bully has chased away. It might be that all the other housemates are decent and actually it's the bully who needs to be invited to leave.

She needs to say:
Currently, living here is making me miserable and I want to move out but I know that will create a financial hit for all of you so I wanted to talk about it first. I feel like I am constantly being criticised and picked upon and I can't feel at home here when the communal areas are so unpleasant to be in. If you just don't think I fit here then I can give you 4 weeks notice today and I will move out and you can find someone else, but if you think the situation can change and you want to try to make it work we can talk again in 4 weeks and see if it has improved.

If she does move out she should stick to the contracted terms and not pay extra. It's quite right for the people who have created this unpleasant situation to be the ones who bear the cost.

This is correct, whatever else she does OP's daughter needs to check her legal position with someone properly qualified. A lot of Universities and Law schools offer free/reduced price clinics

The OP has confirmed that her dd is jointly liable

I know but is it fully understood what that means if she just walks away?
From Rental contracts I have dealt with it suggests that the daughter can just leave and the others have to pay but I think she should check with someone legally qualified to explain the situation.
I am also confused as to how this is the case if the daughter joined an established rental

Exactly. It’s not this or home. Just find a tenant to replace and find a new houseshare.

I was in a similar situation to your daughter, years ago, and moved out. The other tenants, who had been pretty horrible to me had to cover all the rent and they were not pleased but it was their own fault. I think in a lot of cases a group of friends take on a flatshare together and find someone else to fill the leftover room, and then expect that person to accept being treated as an outsider. It can be nasty.

So, the bully will get their comeuppance if they have to pay higher rent due to your DD leaving

And, if your DD tells the other flatmates she's leaving due to the bullying behaviour, then flatmates will be annoyed with bully

What goes around comes around

There's a difference between being a decent person and recognising when you're rightly standing up for yourself.

Difficult though it might be, I would try and talk to the other housemates in the first instance. If it doesn't resolve then it's fair to give them notice to say, given the circumstances, she will move out with immediate effect but will pay for x number of weeks to give them chance to find a new flat mate. If they find a new flatmate before the stipulated period, she will stop paying then. I'd check this course of action legally first, with her contract, just to be sure.

I'm sure your daughter is a lovely person but even lovely people can stand up for themselves.

Yes and that's exactly the problem on this thread.

90%+ of posters are like "Yeah she should move out, life's too short. The flatmates are in the wrong. She shouldn't pay anything"

If it's a joint contract, she will very likely be the one who ends up being pursued legally by the landlord for the money, resulting in a lot of stress and negative financial and credit repercussions.

Unless it's some very unusual contract, in which she can leave whenever and be free of any responsibilities.. in which case she should get out now because what the hell would she do if some of the others felt like leaving and she was left in a place she hated paying twice as much rent?

Yes, leave and find and try and see if she can get someone else to take over her room and rent payments, or move home for her mental health but pay rent until the contract ends.

But don't wrongly think she can likely just leave, stop paying, and it'll all be fine.

In this case it is very shortsighted of the unpleasant flatmate to be like this and of the others for going along as they are the ones who will suffer financially. I would tell the now that she will be moving out at the end of the year, or the end of any notice period. Stick it out till Christmas, move back home then. Up to her whether she tells them why she is going!

I've seen your other post now. I think you've misread the contract

Joint liability means all tenants liable to pay rent. Your DD can move out if she wants, but would remain liable to pay rent unless / until a replacement is found

She has the option to move out and somewhere she's welcome. Do it and don't feel bad about increasing the payments for the others - one of which will be horrible one. Oh, and don't tell them until the day, otherwise that's an excuse for more nasty comments.

She can come home for now and review things, whether it's another house share, waiting for a friend who might want to share sometime or saving towards her own place.

I only have knowledge of one house share. DD's BF. His only issue with it was that none of them spoke to each other and the kitchen was a mess.

She needs to be strong and attack it from all sides, mention it to the girl, the others, move out.

I agree that, most likely, moving out will be the right move for her and she’s lucky to have you able to take her and should use that rather than be miserable for months.

But, despite having that safety net, it sounds like she isn’t going to try anything at all to see if it can work?

She’s quick to judge the others so that she doesn’t have to put an ounce of effort into trying to change the dynamic or get on with them. And the continuing to pay the rent sounds less like she’s decent and more like she’s unprepared to deal with any conflict, even when she’s disadvantaged. It all sounds pretty cowardly, going for the easy route and getting you to pick up the pieces for her without even having a go at making it work. Its an approach to life which, long term, is unlikely to serve her that well.