Friend is at a lose end most weekends and taking over all my weekends

[Marmalada80]

Friend is long time single. She is looking to do things with friends most weekends. She has DC but they are now older and out a lot or away. She has no hobbies or interests. All her friends are in a couple and have younger DC than her and mostly want to spend their weekends with their DH/partner and DC. I feel for her but she doesn't help herself with no hobbies etc. She is currently trying to tie me into seeing her 3 Saturdays in a row in December. This will be all day Saturday and 2 evenings too. It's too much for me. I have my family at home. I want my weekends to be spent with my family.
Happy to do 1 Saturday day a month with her and/or see her 1 Saturday evening out of 3, type of thing. She would be so upset if I said this to her. She is monopolising all my weekend time.

How do I manage this ?

You say no, I have plans that day.

Sorry I'm reserving Sat 14th for family time, but I can meet up on xxx day for a drink instead.

This is so strange, you say 'no'.

Go up to a mirror right now and practice saying 'no I can't do that date/no that does work for me/no I have plans that day.'

Practice being assertive.

Text your friend and cancel the arrangements you don't want to do.

It's normal and healthy to have boundaries, your friend being single and not having hobbies is a complete red herring. The problem is you being such a people pleaser you have forgotten how to say no.

Get busy and have something ready to say as a reply. I wouldn’t meet her at all in December, she needs to find her own entertainment.

You just say no sorry I have plans I can do X date see you then - and don’t leave her hanging thinking this is all happening it’s really unfair, why didn’t you say you’re not free when these plans were suggested?

Just tell her you are not available.

Do some volunteering or club with her so she meets new people .

What does she want to do on those weekends/evenings?

OP has kids and a family and you want her to give up a day or an evening because another adult can’t sort out her own hobbies?

I think I would be kind and meet her one evening (say a Friday evening so you still have your weekend with your family)

if you need to don’t take her calls or answer texts until a few days after until she gets the hint

What’s wrong with just saying ‘No, I have plans. What about a drink on X date?’

Just say no! It’s her problem not yours.
and I say that as a long term single myself. I sort myself out at the weekends, I have my own hobbies.

Are you scared of asserting yourself? Put some boundaries in place, my Dh would be pissed off if I chose to spend any of his rare weekends off without him. 3/4 weekends near Christmas is ridiculous.

She relentlessly asks me what plans I have, with who, where I am going etc. I am ashamed to say that I sometimes lie, especially when I'm put on the spot. She doesn't understand how anyone can be happy just pottering around at home. But I am, with DH and/or DC. She can never just do 1 or 2 hours for a coffee.

Say ‘that’s my own business’ or ‘that’s private’ and then just shut up. Sit in the silence.
If she asks again say ‘can we change the record’

Don’t be giving her any information any more. Cop on and wise up. Good luck.

Just tell her you would like to spend your weekends with your family. Put it in a WhatsApp if it’s going to be easier than face to face. She can come round for a coffee on a weeknight for an hour. You need to be quite firm here.

With respect, the issue is with your wobbliness about it. Say ‘Not making any plans for that weekend because I want to lie around and do nothing’. What’s she going to do about it — climb in through an open window and manhandle you out your front door to do her bidding?

She relentlessly asks me what plans I have, with who, where I am going etc.
This makes me angry just reading this!
Family time, seeing my parents, spending time with my children, doing laundry, cleaning the house etc etc. Personally, I'd be tempted to tell her she is a nosy cow and to get a hobby. Have you suggested she get a hobby?

I'd collect some brochures for local things/hobbies/groups and hand them to her:
'Sarah, you are always so desperate, needy and clingy, so here are some things you should start doing'. No, I wouldn't actually say it like that, but want to on your behalf. 😡

Just say "No plans, I just need some chill time" "Happy to meet for coffee at x time, but can only stay an hour" then get up and leave. If she badgers you just say"Sorry x but I'm so busy all the time I just want to relax on the weekend. I know you are much more of a doer but I'm not. I think you might need some hobbies to keep you occupied"

You simply say no, I have family plans.

Practice it. She's being a drain.

“we’re having a family day, I can meet on this evening for a drink”. Don’t miss precious time with your family, even if that is just lazing around the house, to do plans you don’t want to do with an adult who can’t sort themselves out.

She has too much interest in, and control over, your life. You are making yourself too available and she has come to see you as her entertainment. You have to tell her no when you don’t want to do something. It’s good to be a good friend, but not when it comes at the cost of your own personal and family life. It only, as you are finding, breeds resentment. If you want to keep the friendship just be honest - you like spending time with her but it’s coming at too much of a cost and you have other things you need to do.

Tell her. Janice I feel like you're interrogating me! I'm busy and I can't see you until next Saturday. If she keeps pushing then you need to tell her to back off. She is not entitled to tell you how you you spend your spare time.

This is very much a you issue. You need to find a way to enforce your boundaries. You don't need to tell her what your plans are, just say you want to spend the day with your family and then push back on her if she keeps going on about it.

Just tell her no.

And if she ask what you're doing, be honest.

"It's been a long week, we're just having a quiet weekend at home".

"Oh nothing much, just having a quiet night in with DH".