Friend is at a lose end most weekends and taking over all my weekends

[Marmalada80]

Friend is long time single. She is looking to do things with friends most weekends. She has DC but they are now older and out a lot or away. She has no hobbies or interests. All her friends are in a couple and have younger DC than her and mostly want to spend their weekends with their DH/partner and DC. I feel for her but she doesn't help herself with no hobbies etc. She is currently trying to tie me into seeing her 3 Saturdays in a row in December. This will be all day Saturday and 2 evenings too. It's too much for me. I have my family at home. I want my weekends to be spent with my family.
Happy to do 1 Saturday day a month with her and/or see her 1 Saturday evening out of 3, type of thing. She would be so upset if I said this to her. She is monopolising all my weekend time.

How do I manage this ?

Do not rely on her for a lift to the Christmas market nor take her there! Arrange to meet her at the venue. I can foresee delays to the end of the event. "Just one more spiced latte and I'll be ready to go," or "I haven't finished so I can't take you home yet," nonsense.
"Deirdre, I have family things to do " and don't get any more specific. She's a chancer

Surely you must have had people say no to you before when you’ve suggested something? It probably stung a little but you got over it and so should she. The person who said no to you was prioritising themselves/their family and that’s ok. You should do that too and not feel bad about it.

Don’t let your family miss out just because your friend is single and hasn’t bothered making any friends.

Yes I was thinking she’ll hijack the OP. But I definitely would not say that I have family things to do because that invites questions about what things. My preference is to say “I want to spend time alone with my family “.

Just say very firmly "I have plans" and keep repeating it. Don't deviate, don't embellish, don't apologise, just keeping replying "I have plans".

I had a "friend" like this. It was draining. She interrogated me daily on who, what, where, why, when. For other reasons I've distanced myself but it's been a blessing

She sounds stifling, OP. It must be causing you so much angst having to think of excuses/reasons why you don't want to spend yet more of your free time with her.

I had a friend like this too, quizzing me and wanting to timetable me in for whatever she wanted. It's hard to say something to a friend sometimes and for me the encroaching was gradual but I did have enough eventually and said that I couldn't maintain that level of constant togetherness. It was making me really miserable and even when it was nice to see her, we had nothing to talk about as we'd been together already.

Good advice on this thread, I hope it works for you.

Also, totally agree that you should make your own way there and back - don't be a hostage because that's exactly how it will turn out.

All of this is only happening because you’re allowing it.

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand this is exactly what she says. She purposely drags the day/time out for as long as she can.

I think she is lonely but that is not my problem. She would never admit to be being lonely. I had very few friends aged 18/19 and in my 20s. At one point I was down to just one friend. I would go clubbing on my own. Because of that I am used to spending time on my own, it doesn't bother me.. I now have various groups of friends, even so, going to a hobby/class etc alone doesn't bother me. She would never do that. I don't have the same interest as her in terms of a hobby/class and if I did and we went together it would be all about her and she would start defining meeting up times etc.

Yeah, if you signed up to choir or something with her, she’d want you to go for dinner before/after, for sure!

Well, you're letting this happen. She's targeting you and not others for a reason and no offence, it's not for your sparkling wit (although you may be witty!) - it's because you're a pushover.

I feel you @Tara336 my friend moved 4 months ago and there was a hell of a lot of asks to go house hunting with her. I made every excuse under the sun, plus I was working in the day too.

Yes to the holiday and her being away. it's a total breather for me. I also feel like a surrogate partner too. That is a perfect metaphor for this situation.

She doesn't help herself with nothing else but work going in in her life, through her choice.

It's not your responsibility to keep her entertained in life. The less people pander to her the more she might eventually start finding hobbies and interests of her own.

I'm quite honest, if I want to be back home by a certain time with my pjs on then I'll say that. I don't need to find an excuse, just I'd like to be home by 7 to sit in front of the tally with DH and kids. If other people don't like that then really that's their issue.

If she has no hobbies or interests or life outside work and her kids, if you’re spending the whole day together regularly don’t you run out of things to talk about? Unless you’re super close or can just chat away about any topic? Not the point of the thread I know.

Then I don't think it worries her that much. Largely because you keep saving her from her own company.

If you stop, she may be forced to look for hobbies. You need to invent an ongoing excuse - too much at work, feeling stressed, anxiety, or something else. It's ridiculous to have to think up excuses for every event. It may mean your friendship ends.

She sounds stalkerish op!

Just reading your thread has made me feel suffocated...

She does sound quite dull. Not making great claims for I'm a Celebrity or Big Brother or Bake Off but they are all communal talking points. If she doesn't read books, watch TV, go to clubs, sports or the cinema, what does she have to talk about?

What are you doing in the evening? I'm busy with family stuff.

What exactly are you doing? Why do you want to know? I've already said I'm busy! (and don't actually tell her anything, it's none of her business and she has zero right to know).

I'm not ready to go yet. OK, I did say to you I needed to be away from here at 12 so I will leave you to it and head off now - enjoy the rest of your day and I'll catch up with you soon. (Said with your coat and bag in your hand, whilst standing up and actually leaving).

Then in answer to her questions, maybe you could say:

"Blimey, what is this... the Spanish Inquisition?".

So many of my friendships have been like this that I’m wary of it in new people and also of showing signs like that myself.

When you always want to make people feel comfortable and hate conflict, these types of people seem to pick you out from a crowd and attach themselves.

I had a friend say “Where were you on Tuesday at one o’clock?” I said “Who are you the police?” She had knocked for me and I hadn’t answered.

I knew this as | was hiding out of view of the letterbox she was opening and looking through whilst calling my name 😫I said I must have been out for a walk. She thought because I had a new baby I was available for her to hang out on my sofa all day every day.

I didn’t have the words to actually say “I actually want time alone” when I was younger. I think at all ages some people really judge you and act like you’re weird for not wanting to be around people all the time.

We always have plenty to talk about. Although admittedly this can be her doing a lot of the talking about herself/own issues

@Therealjudgejudy I totally agree. I have accommodated her far too much. Early this morning she was chatting to me on text and I felt guilty for how I feel towards her. I have been going through a difficult time at work and she was offering to meetup and saying how sorry she was that I was having this work issue. The meetup time she suggested was centred around her needs. Was she just reaching out and being nice or was this to fullfill her lose end again ?Either way, I couldn't make the time as I am at watching DC at school xmas play.

blimey @OriginalUsername2 what a total cheek.

your last paragraph resonated with me. Throughout my life I have always thought it would be embarrassing to not have lots of friends. In my late teens & 20s I had very few friends and at one point only 1 friend. My DH has lots of friends. I have several small groups of friends who I think are all lovely - just have the issue of this particular friend. I have been embarrassed in front of DH before when thinking about the number of friends he has to me. I know its not a competition.