Friend is at a lose end most weekends and taking over all my weekends

[Marmalada80]

Friend is long time single. She is looking to do things with friends most weekends. She has DC but they are now older and out a lot or away. She has no hobbies or interests. All her friends are in a couple and have younger DC than her and mostly want to spend their weekends with their DH/partner and DC. I feel for her but she doesn't help herself with no hobbies etc. She is currently trying to tie me into seeing her 3 Saturdays in a row in December. This will be all day Saturday and 2 evenings too. It's too much for me. I have my family at home. I want my weekends to be spent with my family.
Happy to do 1 Saturday day a month with her and/or see her 1 Saturday evening out of 3, type of thing. She would be so upset if I said this to her. She is monopolising all my weekend time.

How do I manage this ?

what do you even talk about if she doesn't have any interests? She sounds so boring!

"She would be so upset if I said this to her."
but she is making you unhappy with her expectations. You can't control how she feels but you can control how you feel. You need to grow a pair and just.say.no!

At the end of the day sounds like she's got a lot more to lose if worst came to the worst and you fell out over this.

Used to have a relative like this. We even had fake events on our kitchen calendar as she would regard any free time as hers. One day DH lost his shit with her, she flounced off and attached herself to someone else. Such a relief.

There's no ‘can’t ’. You are choosing to give this woman control. You are choosing to disclose your activities to her. You are choosing to put her wishes above your own. It’s completely in your own hands, OP.

Be upfront and say sorry I can't be free every weekend, I like to do my own thing. X

A whole Sunday in the run up to Christmas, when you've got kids? Work out how long you are willing to spend (an hour for coffee?) then tell her you need to spend time with your family because they are starting to forget what you look like. When she asks you what your plans are, you DO NOT HAVE TO TELL HER! Family time is enough explanation. If that doesn't shut her up just rinse and repeat.
Family time. With my family.
Time to woman up and get your life back. Maybe be prepared to lose the friend, a friend shouldn't make you feel like this.

She won't do anything alone or go anywhere alone. She has no hobbies.

Take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself why this is your problem to fix OP? I’m all for supporting friends but I wouldn’t be friends with someone like this. She’ll suck the life out of you.

Adding to the chorus - she has no right to your time.

By saying yes to her, you are saying no to your DH, your DCs and yourself. Time is finite.

I've had some similar experiences but you have to brace yourself and get tougher at dealing with it. Start saying 'that day's reserved for quality family time'.

step back out of the friendship gently but not completely. Don't discuss your family plans/life i.e. overshare as it is your family business which is for your family only. Give her short simple undramatic answers but dramatise the small things in your life e.g leak under the sink...terrible, trying to fix it, heading to town to get a wrench. your visiting your uncle sam in blah blah. she is stealing your time. and she does not understand family life and how busy it is. planning, shopping, cooking, laundry housework and you need a rest to regenerate to deal with the following week. (don't describe it as "pottering around" to her as it decreases the drama of makes it sound unnecessary when it it)

step back out of the friendship gently but not completely. Don't discuss your family plans/life i.e. overshare as it is your family business which is for your family only. Give her short simple undramatic answers but dramatise the small things in your life e.g leak under the sink...terrible, trying to fix it, heading to town to get a wrench. your visiting your uncle sam in blah blah. she is stealing your time. and she does not understand family life and how busy it is. planning, shopping, cooking, laundry housework and you need a rest to regenerate to deal with the following week. (don't describe it as "pottering around" to her as it decreases the drama of makes it sound unnecessary when it it)

You know she would drop you like a hot brick if she met someone, don't you?

That’s the type of friends that would be ghosted! lol. Life is already stressful as it is. I don’t need a stressful friend putting pressure on me, no way! Is that an option? 😎

Say “we are having family time” and leave it at that. Woman up OP, you need to learn to say No.

Why is she so dependent on you, why isn't she asking her other friends?

Probably because the OP is kind and doesn’t say no. The other friends may have set very firm boundaries or faded out by now.

OP, you must realise how outrageously this woman is behaving. I was going to say "your friend" but she's not really behaving like a friend to you at all. She is badgering you constantly to entertain her.

You need to woman up and start saying to her "my weekend is full". Don't go into details - I can't believe she is pushing you - it is extremely rude of her so if you can bear it tell her that! "Sharon, I said I'm busy, it's rude of you to demand i go through how i spend every minute". I wouldn't worry about her taking offence- if I were you I'd be thrilled if she took offence and buggered off.

I'm assuming she is marvellous company when you get together which is why you are tolerating this nonsense?

I will say in practical terms, downgrade your upcoming Sunday visit from a whole day to 2-3hours. Say you'll meet her for shopping and a coffee/lunch, set the times. Do not under any circumstances let her come to your house - always meet her outside your home so you can bugger off back to it without her whenever you want.

Practice saying things like "I need some downtime in the weekend to decompress from the week. I can't have every minute planned so I'm afraid I can't share a timetable with you. I also need time alone to relax, and time with my children. I can only see you for 2 hours or so every other weekend. I have other friends I need to see too!"

I've known people who are a bit needy if they've been going through some shit, but this is on a whole other level. I'm a bit of a people pleaser and working on it, not very well, I admit, but I would have ghosted by now, and I'm not someone who ghosts generally.

You don't need to provide anyone with evidence you are busy. That is ridiculous. She is trying to control you. You need to step up and be firm. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you will see her on the third Saturday each month and for an hour for coffee on a Tuesday evening (or whatever you feel you can manage) and that is it. You also need to tell her that if she keeps pestering you for more then you will stop meeting her at all.

On behalf of all the single men (or lesbians) out there, I'm glad that this woman is single. Sounds like a potential domestic abuser.

People like this use fear of abandonment (which may have legitimate roots or not) to manipulate. For some people they lack self awareness or social skills others may actually be dangerous bunny boiler types. This isn't being ableist, she may be unstable but she isn't your problem.

No. I have other plans. On repeat. She sounds like a pest

Goodness me, this is wayyyy too intrusive. Tell her when you are free. Arrange what you want to do. If she starts asking about other times and dates and what you're doing, just avoid answering or being vague. "that weekend is non stop", "I've no free time until X" etc.

If she pushes for details, you HAVE to push back on this. " I'm completely booked up that whole weekend, why do you ask?", "don't know the details off hand but I definitely don't have free time that day", "I have no free time that day at all", "I've no free time then so let's just leave it until X as arranged"

Just no no no. Don't be interrogated. You need to have boundaries.

Op I’m drained just reading about her so god only knows how you feel, she is sucking the life out of you, it needs to stop.

this would be my idea of hell and it would end up with the loss of the friendship which doesn’t sound too bad a prospect here let’s face it!
friends are supposed to enhance our lives not be a constant source of stress and a burden. I’m often told by my family that I’m “too nice” which is something I’m working on because I want to get the balance right and not be a pushover. I love my own company and pottering about the house and my dc and dp always respect when I need to de compress from life so I certainly wouldn’t accept this from a friend.

please know your worth, your time is precious and so are you. You owe this woman absolutely nothing and she needs to woman up and start taking responsibility for herself. I echo a pp who said if she met someone she would drop you, just remember that.

you sound lovely and it’s not fair what she’s doing to you so time to put a stop to it.

This or get your dp to call and say waiting for a delivery or dc has fallen asleep can you collect other dc from a party, or I have to go at 3, this is my Christmas shopping window, I need weekends or Christmas won’t even happen.
is she also really boring or is she actually a friend? No books, no hobbies, sounds insanely boring. I tell my friends every woman over 40 should be doing weights - pack her off to a gym!

This is so funny, do you really speak to your friends like this? I imagine / hope you do not.

OP it's tricky but I'd just stop making stuff up, 'we are keeping that day for family time' 'why what are you doing?' 'no plans yet, just keeping it for family time'. That kind of level. I have a friend like this who (selfishly) thinks she's persuading you to do something fun, it can be really annoying but I do just say no and it's better.

Why on earth are you so incapable of just saying no? More fool you for playing the martyr.