Friend is at a lose end most weekends and taking over all my weekends

[Marmalada80]

Friend is long time single. She is looking to do things with friends most weekends. She has DC but they are now older and out a lot or away. She has no hobbies or interests. All her friends are in a couple and have younger DC than her and mostly want to spend their weekends with their DH/partner and DC. I feel for her but she doesn't help herself with no hobbies etc. She is currently trying to tie me into seeing her 3 Saturdays in a row in December. This will be all day Saturday and 2 evenings too. It's too much for me. I have my family at home. I want my weekends to be spent with my family.
Happy to do 1 Saturday day a month with her and/or see her 1 Saturday evening out of 3, type of thing. She would be so upset if I said this to her. She is monopolising all my weekend time.

How do I manage this ?

Can you not just say “I’m seeing you next Sunday/saw you last Saturday/etc., I don’t want to book up X as well. I want plenty of time to hang out at home and chill.”?

If she’s a good friend she might deserve a more candid conversation where you point out that it isn’t good for her either and offer to help her come up with other things to do that will expand her social circle.

Repeat ad infinitum ‘sorry that’s for family time’
if you spend all your spare time with her when do you see your family, in-laws, have downtime?
nip it from now on!

She’s demanding all your time and energy. Not ok.

Yeah I'm normally the first person to eyeroll the "weekends are for family time" people who don't make any time for friends but this is the other extreme and isn't reasonable either. The only other suggestion is to take a bit of a grey rock approach when she starts probing.

I don't think you can solve this for her as it's probably internally quite complex. Practically I know one person with high social needs who has about 10 times as many contacts as me so there's always someone around rather than expecting that much time out of one person. That's probably the best solution but she needs to seek that.

God, I actually itched with frustration reading this! Just say no! Tell her you have plans to do x, y, z and keep saying no. If she gets upset, so be it - she’s hardly going to march round to your house and drag you out by your hair! And if she ends the friendship in a huff, is that so bad? She clearly has no respect for you or your time so falling out would be doing you a favour!

When her kids were younger, wasn't she spending time with them?
You just have to say exactly what you've said here - no and that every weekend is too much for you and you can do one evening. If she asks you what plans are you can say "just the usual Xmas stuff. seeing family, shopping with them, going out, you know what it's like"

Do you actually enjoy spending time with her? Is she this intense in other aspects?

If you want to maintain the friendship I think you need to be honest with her about how her behaviour is making you feel. If that feels too difficult to do in person, send her a text.

'Hi friend, just wanted to send a message to say I'm looking forward to seeing you on Sunday. I need to be home for 3 so how about going for lunch at x? I have to say recently I've been feeling quite stressed with how busy my weekends have been and trying to shoehorn lots of social things into my small amounts of free time. I think we are quite different in this way but I really crave some quiet time at home to decompress so I've decided for the sake of my mental health/wellbeing I really need to start prioritising this at the weekends. I still really enjoy our catch ups but going forward can we try to pencil in a proper catch up over dinner every 3 weeks or so rather than trying to squeeze in doing something every weekend. I think I'll feel better and be better company when I've recharged my social battery a bit :)

I'm really not at all assertive but even I can say "No, sorry, I'm spending time with the family".

“I’m busy with my family. No we don’t have any specific plans at the moment but that’s how we like it. You know be a bit spontaneous. Sometimes it’s just nice to chill.

No I can’t meet up with you. Like I said I’m staying at my home with my family. Yes all weekend as sometimes we just need that time together.

I don’t know what you’re going to do.”

I think this is what you need to say to the friend. I’d stop taking her calls and texts. Maybe every 3rd or 5th one. If she tries to pin you down when you see her just say you don’t have your diary so can’t make plans.

Your friend could help herself but she’s choosing not to. All of my single friends are very good at having full lives. There’s no need to be so dependent on you.

i think you can and should say no as many have said, but I don’t think the problem is yours. It’s not normal or acceptable to try to wear people down to get what you want. Or to not have any sense of monopolising another person’s time.

I say this as I have a friend I rarely see now as she was too demanding of my time. A coffee would turn into lunch, a drink I to dinner a d a movie. I found it stressful to organise around her changing goalposts and to keep asserting boundaries. So now I very rarely bother, which is a shame because liked her company.

She isn’t a good friend. She wants someone to spend time with, not you specifically. She doesn’t care about your needs at all. Just ghost her!

I bet a lot of people have already withdrawn from her. It would be too much for a lot of people, and besides, many people these days can’t afford all of these lunches, cinema etc. I think it’s fine to assert your boundaries, and encourage her to start a hobby / evening class / Meet Up

Or they just say no if what she’s proposing doesn’t suit them? There's a lot of ground between ‘goes along religiously with the friend’s intensive social plans for every weekend, simmering with resentment’ and ‘cuts friend off, never to be seen again’.

Like others have said it isn't normal to be so pushy. She needs to get out there and find hobbies. You're not her support worker.

If she is constantly asking what your plans are, can you say that your dh/dp is out so you’ve got the dcs for the day? Dh needs some time to go to his parents, go shopping, day out with his friends etc.

or “not sure what we are doing, dh has arranged something with his side/friends.”

rather than tell her bit by bit, say that every weekend in December has something in and gosh you need some time to get jobs done and want to see your dh/dcs!

In this situation, you need to be Phoebe.

Marmalada80 Looked at another way, the power is with YOU here, not your friend. At this particular moment in your lives, she needs you a lot more than you need her. She can and probably will keep asking you to spend lots of time with her, but you have the power to say no. Once you start to exercise this power, it will get a lot easier. You just say Sorry Ann, I do enjoy spending time with you, but at the moment there's a lot of family stuff going on and I honestly don't have much free time. Lets agree to meet once a month, then I'll be able to relax and enjoy it.

If it’s not easy it’s just not worth it. Some people are radiators and some are drains. She’s a massive drain and you need to set boundaries

You need to push back. She's not entitled to know how you spend your spare time and she's not entitled to any free time you have.

Why are you being so hesitant to be firm with her? She clearly has no problem interrogating you and bulldozing her way into your diary.

I would trim back the day you've agreed into half a day. Tell her you can see her for some shopping in the morning but you won't be having lunch as you need to go home to do other things. If she wants to know what then just say you are busy and have other plans in the afternoon.

If she pushes then you need to tell her straight - stop pushing me. I don't like it, it's really intrusive and whilst I value our friendship, it's getting to the stage where it's making me stressed and annoyed. You seem to think you have the right to demand that I account for every minute of time I don't spend with you. You need to accept when I say I'm busy. I'm not going to justify why I'm not able to see you. If you can't accept that then I'll need to step back from you.

What's the worst that will happen? She'll be upset? She's already upsetting you. She'll be hurt? She's hurting herself by being so demanding. She doesn't talk to you again? Would you want to stay friends with someone like this that expects you to prioritise them over your own family and wellbeing?

This is clearly distressing and distracting you.

If this were a boyfriend we were talking about, you realise he'd be described as clingy and needy at best, but more like a demanding, controlling, coercive, emotional manipulator.

Trying to take every second of your attention and time, using your energy as his only source. Just waiting for his next fix.

And that's a good way to describe a parasite.

Are you seeing it yet?

Right. Get off Mumsnet. Text her and say something's come up and you won't be available after all.

When she asks what, do not answer the question.

Wish her a nice day shopping, whatever. When she says she's not going if you aren't, don't answer.

Your energy is needed for yourself, your family & home, your job. Stop feeding the parasite.

She is out of control imo.

You need to tell her that you dont need to prove anything because she isnt entitled to your time and it's not up to her to decide what is and is not an acceptable use of your day and that doing nothing with your family is what you want to do.

You are making the mistake of justifying yourself and overexplaining when you actually need to be pushing back and telling her that she is not in control of your weekends and you don't exist for her benefit.

And if she sees her arse about it, then good.

How on earth is your partner putting up with this? Does it not cause arguments?

You are a parent she is a parasite.

Seriously OP, this is a 'you problem'.

You need to just tell her that you don't like full weekends of activities, you need time to just chill. And keep repeating. Stop being a wet lettuce and take some responsibility.

Just say it's my time with my family. She doesn't need details

Yes. What is it that is so frightening to you about saying ‘No, don’t fancy it’, OP?

It is totally reasonable to just say 'I can't do that day' or 'i need to spend time with the family / getting some chores done / need some down time' but I can do 'X'. You don't need to explain more. And you don't need to agree to a whole day - say you can meet up for a couple of hours for a walk / coffee/drink in evening.